Over the weekend I went to the BlogHer 09 conference in Chicago with Clara in tow. While BlogHer has worked hard to create a culture that’s inclusive of moms and children — providing on-site child care, nursing stations, and allowing moms to bring little ones into the sessions — I still felt a little uncomfortable about the idea and asked several times on Twitter if other attendees would be bringing their babies everywhere with them, including the evening parties.
As it turned out, I wasn’t the only one confused. There was an incident with an exclusive, invitation-only party thrown by Nikon that turned out to be at a no-babies-allowed bar. At least one invitee didn’t ask ahead of time whether babies were welcomed, and was “disinvited” to the party when she showed up with her infant.
Now, I’m not going to get into all the ins and outs of whether this was a smart move on Nikon’s part or not. I think you could make a strong argument, as Katie Granju did, that more attention paid to the needs of a percentage of the invitees would have made for a much more successful event. And you could also argue, as Kristen Chase did, that the mom(s) in question really should have asked whether babies were welcome before they accepted the invitation, instead of just assuming they would be.
But in reading the posts and the ensuing comments, it became clear that there’s another issue at hand here: a significant number of people seem offended by the very idea of babies being “out”. Out at parties, out at the movies, out at night, out at a conference…you name the venue and it seems like there’s somebody who believe it’s no place for babies to be. And everybody’s opinions differ: some feel it’s OK for a baby-in-arms to be out at parties but not past a certain time of night; others believe that quiet babies are no big deal at any event but toddlers are another story; and some seem to feel that anywhere adults congregate, children should not. Obviously there’s no one standard social norm here, and I think most of us moms are just trying to gauge each situation as we can, based on our child’s age, disposition and the event at hand.
I’ve spent much of the last 11 years of my life mothering babies, and I believe it’s absolutely necessary to my happiness to be out in the world…whether with my kids or without. Thing is, it’s not always possible for a mom to be out in the world without children, especially when you’re traveling to a strange city, or are on a limited budget, or when you have a tiny baby.
I also think that I have a right to be out in the world with my children. They are small humans, not snakes or dogs. I’ve been glared at while eating dinner at 5 PM on an outside patio at a not-that-fancy restaurant with a small, quiet baby. Maybe the glaring patrons had had a bad experience while sitting next to a mom and a baby before. On the other hand, I was at a restaurant once where a boorish middle-aged man ruined my dinner by making loud racist remarks between bites. Would it be fair for me to glare at all middle-aged men I see while eating out?
But while I believe moms have the right to be out in the world — which sometimes means being out in the world with our children — I also believe we have responsibilities. We have to be conscientious about where we take our children, and when, and why, and for how long. We have to consider the needs of the host, the other guests, and our kids.
After reading Steph’s post about bringing her baby to BlogHer, and thinking over the comments I’d read on Kristen’s and Katie’s posts, I spent a little while feeling uncomfortable with my decision to take Clara along to the conference (as well as a handful of the after-hours parties). After all, from reading the comments it’s easy to see that a lot of people thought it was a bad mom move.
After dwelling on it for about 20 minutes, though, I realized I don’t care what those commenters think. I didn’t make the choice lightly. I’d taken into consideration Clara’s needs and disposition and the events I’d be attending, and made sure we had an exit plan in case things didn’t go well. I attended three cocktail parties, and never once shoved Clara in anyone else’s face–I didn’t have to, as most people seemed delighted that she was there. As far as the argument that babies can’t handle flashing lights or a loud atmosphere — has anyone been to a Chuck E Cheese, family wedding, zoo, or house with five kids recently? Babies aren’t as fragile as we seem to think they are. I’m all for keeping life calm for my baby, but a once-in-a-while disruption of her schedule and some extra chaos isn’t going to do her harm. Anyway, once she showed signs of having had enough, we left.
Looking back, I feel I made a responsible and conscientious choice, and while it might not have flown with everyone in the room, I’m personally OK with that. We can’t please everyone all of the time, and while we have to take other people’s feelings into account, that doesn’t mean we have to shrink away entirely in order to avoid possibly facing the judgment of anyone, ever, at any time. (Hint: It’s impossible).
Then again, I’m reminded of the time that I was sitting in a nice restaurant in Chicago—out by myself, sans kids, for the first time in months—and had to listen to a toddler at the table next to mine loudly whining, “Noooooo! Nooooooooo! Noooooooooooooo!” for at least ten minutes. When I glanced over at the parents, they seemed oblivious to the fact that other diners were shifting uncomfortably in their seats and sighing loudly over their $35 plates of Ahi Tuna.
In my opinion, the problem really isn’t babies. It’s clueless adults on both sides of the spectrum. While I think the majority of moms are aware of the effect their kids are having on the general public around us, it only takes one bad experience—a toddler running amok in a fancy restaurant; a relentlessly fussing baby in a movie theater—to give people the impression that not only are all kids loud and obnoxious, but most parents don’t care.
On the other hand, if you’ve done your duty as a conscientious parent — checking with your host, considering your baby’s needs and giving yourself an exit plan — you can relax. It’s not worth feeling vaguely guilty that you’ve violated some social norm that nobody can even agree on.
After all, one of the rules of happy motherhood is making the best choice you can at any given moment, and then moving on with confidence. That applies whether you’re trying to decide how long to breastfeed, whether or not to use time-outs…whether or not to bring your baby into a bar.
Edited to add: And you know what? Even if you look back and realize that bringing your child to X event probably wasn’t the best choice, move on with confidence anyway. We all make mistakes and do things we later realize weren’t such a great idea, and most of us learn from our missteps. The surest way NOT to be a happy mom is to spend too much time worrying about how people who don’t even know us feel about our choices. Besides, unless your baby projectile vomits on somebody else’s $200 blouse, they’ve probably forgotten all about him the minute you’re out of sight, anyway.
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