Yesterday I posted tips on how to sleep when the baby sleeps. But what about when your baby doesn’t seem to sleep enough?
Consider co-sleeping.
In many cultures, co-sleeping is, and always has been, the norm. If you think about it, the practice of mothers and babies sleeping together makes a lot of sense: babies are comforted by the closeness of their mothers and often sleep better, and mothers will be comforted by knowing their baby is OK and may also sleep better. I’ve co-slept with all five of my kids—the first was sort of an accident, as I only really meant to sleep near him until we got breastfeeding established, but then I loved it so much I couldn’t bear to put him in the crib. Since then, co-sleeping has been one of my favorite “lazy mom” methods for getting a decent night’s sleep even with a newborn who likes to eat every half-hour, all night long.
But co-sleeping has gotten a bad rap in the United States, and has been accused of causing everything from infant death to overly-dependent children with poor sleep habits. Lots of moms who’d like to co-sleep—even if just for a little while—live in fear of either hurting their baby or being criticized by family and friends (which is kind of silly, if you think about it—is there really anyone out there who’s never taken a nap alongside their baby, or let a scared or feverish toddler climb into their bed at night?).
It’s worth pointing out that babies die in cribs as well as adult beds, many believe that the research implicating co-sleeping in infant deaths is shaky, and that when certain precautions are taken, co-sleeping can be safe. As far as babies getting “too used” to sleeping near Mom, all children can learn, at some point, to sleep in their own beds—even if they’ve spent months or years sleeping next to Mom. My personal philosophy is that no matter when you do it, putting a child into his or her own bed away from you for the first time is usually going to be met with some resistance, and probably tears. You can choose to deal with the resistance and tears when you’ve got a newborn, your hormones are fluctuating wildly, you’re feeling shaky about your mothering skills, you’re trying to establish a bond and possibly breastfeeding, and you really need the sleep…or you can wait several months, a year, or more, until you’re feeling steadier, night nursing is no longer a huge issue, you’re well-bonded, and your hormones have evened out. For me, option #2 has always made a lot more sense.
Consider not co-sleeping.
Huh? Yes, you heard me right. I’m a committed co-sleeper, but if I’m really honest with myself, I know there have been certain times—and with certain children—that we all might have slept better if we’d done it separately. After the first couple of months, some kids turn into thrashers and tosser-turners, and simply can’t stay asleep if there’s any disturbance nearby. Sleep deprivation never got to critical levels with me, but if it had, I’d have been smart to move my tosser-turner into his own bed and see if that improved things.
On the other hand, Clara is one of those babies who, once asleep for the night, lies flat on her back without a single twitch until she wakes up four hours later to nurse. At night, it’s not her trying to snuggle me, it’s me trying to snuggle her (she’s just so darn snuggle-able!), and she seems completely unaware that I’m even nearby. If it starts to seem like I’m disturbing her or that I could sleep better if I used the space she takes up, I may consider moving her into a crib sooner rather than later. Some moms I know are dedicated co-sleepers until they have a baby who actually seems annoyed by being in their bed, and they have to reluctantly let go of that particular aspect of motherhood. Other moms kept co-sleeping with children into toddlerhood even though they really don’t want to because they think it’s the “right” thing to do or because they dread the aforementioned tears and resistance. Sometimes you just have to be the bite the bullet and do the thing that’s hard tonight, and maybe tomorrow night, to make everyone happier in the long run. And sometimes, co-sleeping works out beautifully for years. There’s no one-size-fits-all here, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about the reality of the situation.
Keep in mind that whether you choose a crib or co-sleeping, neither has to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Many moms start their babies out in a crib, then bring them into their own bed after the first nighttime feeding, for example. Or you can use a co-sleeping sidecar with a very small baby, or a crib or mattress in your bedroom.
I can’t tell you where your kids should sleep and for how long; I can only say that if something isn’t working at night, you always have both the right to change things up and see what might work better; and the responsibility to make sure your arrangement is working for all parties involved (including yourself). Sacrificing your own sleep is inevitable to some degree when you have a newborn, but if it’s an emergency situation (i.e. you’re not safe to drive, cook, or care for your child during the day because you’re so tired) then do whatever you have to do at night to make sure you’re sleeping well. If things aren’t quite that dire, you have room to play around with different arrangements and see what works. Listen to your gut, be flexible, and ignore anyone who tries to tell you that you’re doing it wrong. After all, unless they want to come over and hold your baby for eight hours so you can get a full night’s sleep, they don’t get a vote.
Did you co-sleep with any of your babies, or has it been crib all the way? Are there any changes you made or could have made to your sleeping arrangements to get more sleep?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Although we never used a crib beyond our attempts during the first two weeks with our first child, we do not have one specific sleep arrangement in our house. We have multiple bedrooms, all of which accommodate multiple people (currently one king-sized bed, one double bed, one bunk bed).
We never used cribs or toddler beds for the simple reason that there isn’t enough room for an adult to crawl in with a child who needs them. I was fortunate enough prior to having kids to have a colleague who came in every morning with a sore neck and back from sleeping with his toddler in the toddler bed. That is when I swore we would never do that. Big beds, musical beds, is the way to go in our house!
Annie, we do a lot of musical beds here too. That’s actually once nice thing about having older kids in the house–when one of the littler boys wants to sleep near a warm body, they’re just as happy snuggling in with a brother as with us. Which is good, because our current bedroom only fits a full size bed and it gets crowded fast.
Co-sleeper here. I, too, started accidentally with my first. My fourth child shared my bed the shortest amt. of time, simply b/c after a certain point, it became evident that he slept better in his own space.
Never was an issue in my house maybe because I never presented it as an option. I have friends who still sleep with their 9 year olds! Crazy if you ask me. Below are some sleep tips that were submitted on my site, MyWorkButterfly.com- hope they help:
by Kate Dailey
With these five easy tricks, you’ll have no trouble springing from the sheets rested and ready.
If you do everything right each night—you know, going to bed early and avoiding drinking—your body’s internal clock should wake you up at the same time every morning. For the rest of us, here are five simple ways to a better night’s sleep:
1.) Charge your BlackBerry in the Living Room
Having too many tech toys in the bedroom makes your mind associate the room with productivity, not relaxation. “You want your brain to know that when you’re in bed, that’s a place for sleep and sleep only,” says Philip Gehrman, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of the Sciences in Philadelphia and a specialist in sleep medicine. If nothing else, put that bad boy on silent mode. Whatever e-mails you get can wait until dawn.
2.) Be Cool
You think it’s too hot, and she’s always too cold. Since she’ll probably sleep with an extra blanket no matter what the room temperature, lower the thermostat to just about our ideal comfort level, and let her layer as necessary. “You can always add more blankets on one side,” says Gehrman. “It’s harder to cool off.” Another option: Invest in a dual-weight comforter, which has heavier down in one side than the other.
3.) Go Mattress Shopping
Talk about something being worth your hard-earned cash. Studies show that 47% of people lose at least three hours of sleep per week due to their partner’s snoring, tossing and turning, and insomnia. If her restless sleep keeps you up, buy a new mattress, says Gehrman. Your bed should be big and stable enough so that her movements don’t disrupt your side of the bed.
4.) Do it Sideways
You don’t have to sacrifice sleep because your girl needs to cuddle. Lay in the classic spoon position to give her the contact she needs and you the sleep you crave. There might be even more benefits. “If you’re sleeping on a good-quality mattress and pillow, the position has actually been shown to help lower stress levels while boosting intimacy,” says Jodi Fidler, a chiropractor and sleep expert at Davis Chiropractic in Minneapolis.
5.) Go Old-School Clock
Staring all night at the glowing digital display while you’re trying to fall asleep can jack up your stress levels and keep you up. So trade your digital clock for an old-fashioned one with hands. That way, when the lights go out, you can’t tell what time it is. Unless of course, you’re crawling into bed at the crack of dawn. In which case, you’re pretty much screwed anyway—at least when it comes to sleep.
We have co-slept – and not. There isn’t a single sleep arrangement we’ve used, at least not long-term. Kids change quickly, and so I’ve found it easier to be flexible and just run with it.
I really wish that the fear of ‘bad habits’ wasn’t so pervasive in child-rearing. I’ve found that everyone does better when I meet the needs of the moment, instead of live in fear of what MIGHT happen 4 years (or 14 years, or 24 years) down the road.
We’ve done both and I think we’ll continue to. Sometimes it works better for one of us than the other but overall it works. I don’t imagine it will change dramatically over the next few years but its not like I think we’ll be sleeping together forever – and I’m sure I’ll miss them then!
What a thoughtful, intelligent post. Here in New Zealand, co-sleeping often gets a bad rap – usually by the Coroner in the newspapers, after a co-sleeping death. But when you read the full report, you can see the cause: one or more of the co-sleeping parents was under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, and often the ‘bed’ was not appropriate – for example, a sofa. But where co-sleeping is done in a roomy bed with sober parent/s, the results are often excellent. I tried it with my baby, but she wasn’t having a bar of it, she was so used to her crib already! But I was (and am, now that she’s a toddler) open to the experience of sleeping alongside her, if that would offer her comfort and an easy night’s sleep for both of us.
Great post, but there is one point I’ll respectfully disagree with: “putting a child into his or her own bed away from you for the first time is usually going to be met with some resistance, and probably tears”
Our goal around here has always been: bedtime without tears — at any age. There have been some circumstances when there have been tears — we’re not that good! But those circumstances have always been out of my hands. That is, no child of mine ever cries at bedtime if I can do something about it. For us, the transition to kids in their own beds was relatively easy because they all went from sleeping with at least one of us, to sleeping with a sibling. We do big beds, musical beds here too!
@FamilyNature–I totally respect that you are committed to a ‘bedtime without tears’ goal, but I think that is not necessarily the goal of *most American parents, which is why I said “usually”. I think parents consistently get the message that if they don’t get those “good sleep habits” (defined in our culture as Mom and Dad in their bed, baby in another, everyone sleeping 8 hours at a stretch) in the first few months, it’ll never happen…and I want to encourage parents that you can opt for a different kind of bedtime style while kids are young and still implement a lot more routine and structure later if that’s your ultimate goal.
@Amber–I completely and totally agree.
I have been co-sleeping with my son. But I also co-slept with my mom, dad, and three siblings until I was probably 12 or 13. Recently, with the advent of a new baby and a tiny little bedroom, we encouraged my son to move into his bed across the hall from us. It’s been up and down, but he seems to sleep much better in his own space. I often don’t sleep quite as well – last night for example I tossed and turned just missing his cuddly little self. And he still ends up in with us quite often. We will see how everyone fits when the new baby comes.
The only long-term feed back I know about co-sleeping I got from my dad. He and my mom ended up co-sleeping for 18 years. He wouldn’t have changed it. He swears that this is the major reason that all his adult kids are good with hugs and snuggles and physical affection today, and why we all have a very tight-knit relationship. BUT between his job, my mom being exhausted from 4 homeschooling kids, and mediocre communication on their parts about these issues, co-sleeping took the place of husband-wife cuddle time. And he was clear that he wasn’t referring only to sex, but to just being there, together, as a couple. They were married for 22 years, but spend the majority of those years with 1-3 children between them. So while he wouldn’t change the co-sleeping, he would change WHO he slept next to.
My husband is from India, a country of co-sleepers. He thought our crib purchase was stupid and useless. And he was right – our son is now 4 years old and spent a brief 6 month period of time actually sleeping in the damned thing. Our 2.5 year daughter has never slept on her own. When she was 10 months old, I finally got rid of the $300 clothes hamper that was cluttering the kids’ room.
We have a Musical Bed theme going on our house, too. I used to write passionate posts defending the joys of co-sleeping, but gave up. Folks are going to believe what they want to believe.
I co-slept with my first one (who’s now two and sleeping in a twin in his own room) and was glad I did. My second is 2 months old and we’re co-sleeping too, but this time the baby’s in a snugglenest instead of in my arms. I wish I’d had the snugglenest with the first one! I sleep better because I can change position easier (hubby tells me I’m quite a squirmer) and I don’t have to be as vigilant as regards my husband (who moves more at night than he’d care to admit!). The snugglenest also protects baby from our two cats who like to sleep on warm bodies when it’s cold. We’ll eventually move him out of our bed and out of our room, after the night feedings have stopped. The difference this time, though, is that the two boys will be sharing a room and I wonder how that will work out. Will one keep the other awake? Will they wake each other in the middle of the night? It’s still several months away though.
I just posted about my sleeping arrangements (www.suburbansavingmama.com) and love hearing other moms talk about what works for them. We usually start off with our four month old in her crib but bring her to our bed by the morning. I would love to exclusively co-sleep but my hubby is not so sure (although more often that not he is the one who brings her into our bed).
I agree with your thoughts on not co-sleeping. Every child and parent is different and I think that it is important to take into account what works for you and your situation.
I toss around a lot in my sleep, so I’m worried about the safety of cosleeping in my situation [I have pushed my 6'1", 160lb husband off a queen-sized bed into the floor a few times, so I worry about pushing or rolling on the baby]. That said, I plan to breastfeed and know cosleeping makes it easier, and I also don’t like the idea of leaving the baby alone in another room when he’s so young.
To compromise, out plan is to set up our crib beside the bed, as sort of a sidecar. That way, he’s right there and when can see him or reach for him, but the sides of the crib will give him a separate space that I don’t have to worry about rolling into. It will also make it easier when he does move to his own bed [the crib is convertible to a toddler bed, because it will be familiar to him].
I am a big fan of this post – I have one young child and, prior to birth, was adamant that we WOULD co-sleep with him. After about 10 or 12 weeks in our bed, we discovered him be a “thrasher.” We tested out his crib and he took to it like a fish to water. I was a little disappointed about the whole situation at the time and felt guilty (WHOS BABY WONT SLEEP WITH THEM?!) but we all slept better. He still makes his way to our bed for cuddle time in the morning and we shower him with plenty of hugs and kisses. I (now) love the decision we made. It might change and that’s okay too. We might co-sleep with our next – I feel like so many sleep issues are situational.
Great post! Thank you for writing it!
With my two oldest we did some co-sleeping but moved them to their cribs as soon as they developed a distinct sleep pattern. With our newbie we’re still co-sleeping with him and he really likes it and it is his favorite way to sleep. He will also sleep where-ever he happens to fall asleep during the day, but at night he wants his cuddles. When it starts not to suit, we’ll change.
I wrote about co-sleeping recently and wanted to bring out my honest take on the fact that it’s best for my family BUT it doesn’t mean we get all that much sleep. You don’t hear many co-sleepers talk about the downsides- it’s like we’re criticized enough so we don’t dare mention that it might have its flaws. Truth is, crib or be sharing, babies sometimes don’t sleep all night!! (duh). And everyone just needs to stop thinking that if they don’t do things the same way as someone else, it doesn’t mean they are being judged or “doing it wrong” (although I do love co-sleeping and recommend gentle night parenting (no CIO) whenever asked for my opinion.)
Steph
I just wrote a post today about sleeping habits with my son – I sleep with him most nights, whereas my daughter has always been happier alone. Like your original words, and the words of so many above the most important thing is to do what’s best for your family – why so many people criticise others, and why so many (myself included) lets that criticism matter is a mystery I’d like to solve.
Many “un-fearful” parents rolled over onto their precious infants while sleeping and smothered them to death. Although I understand people want to raise their children their “own” way it surprises me how many parents seem to go to extreme’s to prove their point and then become indignant with others opinions. Almost preferring people to mindlessly agree than to consider potential dangerous risks.
Having 4 children myself I always used a bassinette. It was almost 75% smaller than a crib taking up very little space in our bedroom. It allowed me to keep all of our children in our bedroom during infancy beside my bed for easy breastfeeding and an occasional rubbing of the back if they were fussy getting to sleep and still kept our marriage bed sacred.
My husband is 6’4 215, and although I am a very light sleeper I don’t believe I am always a light sleeper.
Best wishes to all those who choose to do as they please without considering the consequences but for those parents who are open-minded to consider both sides of the issue without believing people are attacking them or criticizing them it is important to understand the risks of sleeping with your baby.
Carrie, many well-meaning parents have also put their babies in cribs that turned out to be unsafe, and those babies have died, too. SAFE co-sleeping is not statistically less safe than crib sleeping…it’s when you throw babies sleeping alone on sofas, with non-parents, drunk parents, drugged parents, etc in the mix that the numbers get skewed.
“Best wishes to all those who choose to do as they please without considering the consequences-” Wow, that’s harsh. Do you have proof to back up your claim?
I’m the blessed mother of 6 children and I’ve co-slept with each of them. My babies were able to nurse for as long as they wanted while I was able to get a bit of sleep at night. I loved snuggling up to each of them and they were also able to have that physical closeness that makes for a calm, content baby.
My youngest is 3 months old and I was actually warned against this practice by the nurses at the hospital, by the visiting pediatrician and by our current pediatrician. They were all quick to tell me the latest smothered baby story which I’d already known was due to the mother being intoxicated.
I will continue to co-sleep with my youngest because it feels like the right thing to do and because it works for our family.
My son came first and we did co-sleep. As a toddler he moved to his own room, but often came back to our bed in the middle of the night. When baby #2 came (#1 was 3 1/2) I put her in a bassinet in my bedroom. I did not want to have to send my son back to his bed alone in the middle of the night and I was afraid of having him in the bed with the newborn, so she never co-slept.
I really really do support every parent’s right to figure out what works best for their family, but I will say today at ages 7 and 4, my four year old sleeps better, longer and has fewer night time fears than my seven year old. It could very well just be her personality, but you never know…