After writing my post on beating boredom, it occurred to me that most of the things that get in the way of moms and their happiness fall under just a handful of categories. I’m going to be writing about these obstacles in the weeks to come:
- boredom (check!)
- lack of sleep
- being overwhelmed
- isolation
- inertia
Can you think of any others? Relationship problems can definitely be an obstacle to happiness, but then again, often relationship troubles are caused by one (or more) of the above. And financial troubles are heightened by all of the above, but probably deserve their own category.
Moms, what would you add to the list?
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Can’t wait to read! How about conflicting priories? Perhaps that goes with being overwhelmed, but one of my greatest challenges is deciding what to do with what free time I have and then I end up doing nothing which contributes to the cycle of boredom.
Good one, Christine. I do think that one could possibly go in the “overwhelmed” category but might need its own header. I know that when I have too many options, I often feel overwhelmed by them! Whether it’s how to spend my free time, which class to sign the toddler up for at the Y, what to make for dinner-etc.
What about “lack of ambition?” As a working mom, the challenges of my job and exercise me engaged and focused both at the office and at home. And I know plenty of homemakers who stay motivated and engaged through goal-setting, hobbies and side-jobs, but there are probably SAHMs out there who are unhappy because they aren’t fully engaging their minds and bodies.
Alma, good point. Though I also wonder if there are working moms who hate their jobs who feel a similar lack of motivation and engagement. Seems to me that we all have to have goals and a plan of some sort to really engage with life, rather than just kind of floating through the day – to – day grind with no idea where we’re going. Working won’t help you with that if you feel like you just show up and punch a time clock for nothing but a paycheck. That said, I know there are people who enjoy having those “Just doing it for the paycheck” jobs, because they can easily leave their work at work and when they go home, they can really engage with the rest of their lives.
Unrealistic expectations/setting impossibly high standards in reference to how clean your house must be, how well-groomed or well-behaved your kids are, and how productive you are at accomplishing these things on a daily basis. I know this tripped me up a lot when my two older children were little because I would freak out and be really hard on myself any time things weren’t the way I thought they should be until the whole cycle was almost paralyzing. Now, as a mom of 5 with some experience and perspective, I may be a bit too lax.
But I do think you can become your own worst enemy as a mom when you set unreasonable goals and refuse to cut yourself a break when you can’t achieve them.
I was going to say expectations myself. But I was thinking of even smaller expectations … that you’ll get out the door on time without any tantrums or foot-dragging, that your toddler will take a “real” nap when you (a WAHM) has scheduled a conference call during naptime, that the daycare room at the Y three towns away is open when it says it will be. When those kinds of expectations aren’t met, I try not get upset, but it’s hard. Especially when the expectation is related to getting the little bits and pieces of time I need to do my job, get a workout in, etc.
Fascinating stuff, Meagan. Thanks for continuing this conversation.
Something that I’ve struggled with since becoming a mother is maintaining an independent identity separate from that of my children. Many of the smaller problems I face fall under that heading. I work constantly to make sure that there is still a Me left at the end of the day.
I’m with some of the others on “expectations” or something like: an inability to follow through with plans b/c of lack of control. There, that’s it: Lack of control! Like, if your kid gets sick. Or is having some sort of problem. Or your day care/ child care falls through, etc. You always have to plan for the kids & even when you do, so many things can mess up your plans in an instant. This is the thing that makes me the most unhappy as a mom. Aside from the relationship problems (which might stem from the same lack of control/unrealistic expectations) and maybe being overwhelmed, I really hate that as well!
Lack of time! It’s sort of the same as being overwhelmed, but not exactly. I just feel as if I can get nothing done, and my time has never been as precious as it is now. Which is sort of ironic, because I don’t have much in particular to DO, but it’s true all the same.
These are all great. Expectations, lack of time, loss of control–that was a BIGGIE for me, by the way. Thanks so much for weighing in, everyone–I can’t wait to dig in on these.
Hey Meagan – I know I’m a bit late to the convo but I’ve bookmarked you and I wanted to weigh in. Ever since I had my daughter I don’t know what makes me happy any more – its like everything has been turned topsy turvy – here’s this little creature that I didn’t know five months ago who brings me so much joy and happiness but other things (and sometimes people) who used to make me happy I could care less about. I feel lost and I’m not sure where to even start…
Yes, a shifting identity and a lack of grounding about one’s sense of self is huge. I know I struggled with that (to the point of making some very strange wardrobe choices!)after my first was born. I think I had it sorted out by the time he hit 18 months or so. Now, for me, it’s the lack of time like Amber says and a struggle to retain enough patience.
Lack of time for myself in combination with your already-noted lack of sleep have been THE hardest parts of these past months of raising my daughter.
Meagan, I appreciate what you are doing with this blog. It helps to break down the isolation factor. “Unrealistic expecations” was the first thing that came to mind, but I see others have that pretty well-covered.
One thing to think about may be a lack of confidence in our role as mother. There are so many experts and opinions out there, it’s easy to caught up in second-guessing ourselves all the time. Or maybe we don’t listen to our gut instinct because it goes against what most experts say in a certain area.
My lack of sleep is a huge, HUGE factor. It’s slowly getting better. But I have 2 children with profound sleep issues, among other things. The lack of sleep has a direct impact on how well I handle the challenges of each day, which can lead to an increasing sense of failure and helplessness and all the other things on the list…
How about guilt? That’s a huge one for me, perhaps coming from the lack of confidence Naomi talks about. I struggle not to feel guilty about my mothering decisions – to work or not to work, to play or to do dishes, to dialogue or discipline? Every decision I make there is someone else who has decided differently and even though I know that my decisions have been thought through I still question them.
Having said that, as my kids grow, my confidence increases and I second guess myself less and less, particularly if I’ve had enough SLEEP!
Looking forward to your upcoming posts.
So many great ideas have been added here!
As someone who has parented from within a lonely, unsupportive marriage, has been a single mom, and now is experiencing parenting with a new husband, in a true, supportive partnership, I would say the state of our marriage/partnership can really get in the way of happiness. It can cast a shadow over everything, and set off a domino effect of frustration. There are, however, a variety of ways to deal with these feelings about a partner’s lack of friendship and support, from better communication to strengthening your couple bond. Maybe that could be discussed?
This is probably related to what’s been discussed here, but I would add “R&R”, for routine and repetition. Being stuck inside and doing the same things over and over, without monetary reward, can be dulling. I recall a time when I was unloading the dishwasher with tears running down my face, feeling like a robot — after I’d just unloaded the dryer and folded the laundry for the family. Seems like there was a lot of the same old same old.
Mostly, though I would have to say that “Guilt” and “Changing Identity” (both covered above) were the biggest ones for me, in retrospect.
This is so helpful to read! Emily I can totally relate to what you’re saying about feeling lost, and loving your daughter but finding yourself not enjoying the things you used to. I’m in that boat as well–my daughter is 2 months old and I’m questioning everything! Even though I’m head over heels for my daughter, I feel like I don’t have the interest in life that I used too…but I also think I may have a touch of postpartum depression, so that’s probably where that lack of interest is coming from. (I’ve just today decided to admit that PPD may be an issue for me, something I never thought I’d deal with, being a pretty happy person, normally.)
I also agree with what other mothers have mentioned–namely, having overly high expectations for myself (feeling like I have to have everything figured out and done perfectly and on time), loss of control, and lack of confidence in my mothering skills. The fact that there are so many books and people out there telling me how it should all be done has, I think, been keeping me from developing my own gut instinct and making me feel like I’m not doing this motherhood thing very well. I’m trying hard to counteract those feelings!
Thanks so much to everyone for weighing in. This is so much great stuff. Emily, when I first read your comment it broke my heart a little. Then I read it again and thought actually it was a happy comment. Then I wasn’t sure. It can be hard to feel so disconnected from what you used to be so sure about yourself and the people in your life, and not to be sure of what you really want or what’s important to you anymore. On the other hand, shifting priorities is normal and good and I think can lead to a deeper happiness eventually…once you kind of nail down what it is you’re looking for. Which takes time, like everything else.
Kristin, lack of a strong partnership or even misunderstandings within a strong partnership can definitely be an obstacle to happiness, and I will include that down the road.
Everyone, this week kicks off SLEEP WEEK here at The Happiest Mom–because really, if you aren’t getting enough sleep it can make all the rest of it feel downright impossible. After that we’ll tackle one obstacle per week. Thanks again for all your help and input.
I haven’t checked in in a while and was pointed back here by another blogger’s reference to your happiness pyramid. There seems to me to be a glaring point missing from that and this: exercise! Without at least the equivalent of about a half-hour run every other day, I find that I get frustrated more easily, loose my temper faster, and am generally less able to cope with work/toddler/life. (Plus, exercise tends to improve sleep in children and adults.)