My sister Kathreen is ten years older than me, and we have completely different feelings about December. Namely, I love the holidays. She hates them.
After talking about it a lot, I asked if she would write her true feelings about the holidays down so I could post them here. I’m hoping that there are other people out there who can relate to her feelings and empathize—or better yet, share how you worked through similar feelings. Here’s her story:
“I’m usually a pretty happy person. Not so at Christmastime. My problem isn’t one of scheduling…it isn’t one of spending (although I’m rarely entirely prepared for the true costs…) It’s not even a debilitating depression or moodiness that a glass of wine or prescription can help me get through. It’s more of general feeling of guilt and a mild aggression and an overwhelming oppression by holidays past- old memories, old anxieties, and mostly an old feeling of an undefined dread. This dread sucks the joy pretty much out of the whole season- and given that I’m a single mom with four kids to provide the holiday “show” for, I’m sure it pretty much sucks the spirit out of them, too, no matter how hard I try.
“My sister (who amazingly doesn’t suffer from this) calls it Post-Traumatic Christmas Syndrome and I think she’s right, although putting it behind me eludes me every year.
“I spent most of my growing up in a two parent household, with a stay at home mom who strung cranberries, made tree ornaments, baked Christmas crap, and played carols on the “hi fi.” When I was 16, I spent the first Christmas of my life in a broken up family- and a mighty dysfunctional one at that. My father was in a new relationship, and eager to please, proceeded to “gift” us into happiness. My mother, now single and broke, eyed every gift…every new tradition, with hostility and furor. Let the merry joys of Christmas guilt begin! And so it has been with me ever since.
“I was married a few years later to an addict who spent a few Christmases (or Christmas eves) in jail, and three more our 13 years together in rehab. Broke, stressed, and burdened with bringing Christmas happiness to our children, the whole season seemed to be the one time of year where I felt like the stresses of things were really beyond my control. These feelings, at the time, were perfectly natural- what kind of sober person WOULDN’T get a little overwhelmed??
“But now it’s years later…9 years. I’m lucky enough to be employed, my kids are still young enough to enjoy Christmas, but I still can’t. As soon as Thanksgiving hits, the dread hits. The dread that was real and easy to understand 15 years ago, is still almost as intense, but now completely out of whack with the reality of my current life. I feel guilty receiving gifts and guilty giving them. I white-knuckle my way through the whole season, a grin pasted (hopefully) on my face and a rock in my guts.
“So, Meagan, what now? I don’t need a new tradition (I have none) and don’t need to scale back (I do the bare minimum) and I don’t need to stop trying to visit family all in one day (the truth is, I almost wish I had someone else to provide the “fun” for my kids.)”
I’m not a therapist nor do I play one on the Internet, and there is a lot of heavy stuff in my sister’s tale that I probably shouldn’t touch without a license (and she’s done therapy already–a lot). But four things do stand out at me based on what I already know about my sister and what she has shared above:
- She isn’t a religious person, so she doesn’t identify with any of the beliefs being celebrated at this time of year. Yet she can’t avoid it. So she feels sucked into celebrating against her will a holiday she doesn’t feel any deep connection to.
- She doesn’t retain fond memories of Christmases in the past to anchor her to positive feelings of the holiday. In fact, the majority of her holiday memories are negative. It’s like a month-long flashback of the worst times of her life, year after year.
- She feels very responsible for other people’s experiences during the holiday, leading her to do things she doesn’t enjoy and spend money she can’t spare.
- Since she’s single, she doesn’t have anyone to share the burden with, or even share a laugh over the ridiculousness of the season with. Nor does she have an adult partner to create new, better traditions with.
Readers, help me (and my sister) out here. Is there any hope for overcoming post-traumatic-holiday-stress syndrome? Do you have any advice—or commiseration?
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe try something completely different from you past holiday experiences. Maybe help out at a shelter or watch cartoons all day or visit a nearby park or deliver meals on wheels. Something that isn’t like previous Christmases. But be sure it is something you enjoy (and the kids will tolerate).
I cannot relate to your sister’s feelings personally, but I am married to a man whose blood boils whenever he hears a Christmas carol or sees a holiday-themed commercial on TV. My dilemma is how to resolve his negative feelings about Christmas with my own very positive ones, especially now that we have two young children.
My hope for my own family – and perhaps something that your sister might consider – is to create brand new traditions that don’t have any connection to either Santa or the manger, since those don’t resonate for my husband. (And I think those can just as easily be done with one’s kids and not just with a partner.)
I also recently heard the advice, when one’s budget is tight, to give each family member the gift of choosing one family experience to share (e.g. camping out in the living room). As Priscilla commented, I think the key is to make sure this year is different from Christmases past so that Christmases future can be more merry.
I can certainly empathize with your sister and my heart goes out to her. I should start by saying that I am happily married and do not have kids, so my current circumstances and obligations are quite different and probably make it easier for me to cope. However, I do hope to have kids at some point soon and I know that I will have a responsibility (and hopefully desire) to make Christmas time special for them. My mother had her own negative feelings toward this time of year and even at a very young age, I was aware of them. She called it her “Christmas blues”. Without writing a novel here, let’s suffice it to say that the holidays were always a stressful time, even more so than the other 11 months of the year (which weren’t usually all that happy either). Her negative feelings toward the holidays have resulted in less than stellar memories for me, which is a big part of the reason I can be a bit of a scrooge if I let myself. I hope that knowing how these bad feelings perpetuate themselves, will be motivation for me to want to stop that cycle and provide my own children with happy memories. That said, I can’t see myself ever being a super-perky, over the top, festive mom. I consider myself a reasonably generous, joyful and peace-loving person throughout the year and I don’t feel the need to amplify that exponentially when December rolls around just to fit in. I think the holidays are tough because there is so much pressure for it to be “the most wonderful time of the year”. It’s easier said than done, but I try not to let myself get caught up in that pressure. It’s NOT the most wonderful time of the year! There are other times of the year that I enjoy much more. But it is a good time of the year and it can be happy. I have friends that fall all over themselves buying presents and decorating every room in the house, singing carols, visiting Santa, watching It’s a Wonderful Life and it all seems a little sickeningly sweet to me. But rather than getting bogged down in guilt that I don’t feel that way, I’m just glad that that makes them happy. And I feel comfortable with my own personal approach to the holidays – and that makes me happy. I hope this helps. It is ultimately a choice a person has to make (and keep making over and over again) to not allow the past to dictate the present.
I have known people who opted out of Christmas altogether. They packed up their kids and headed out of town. Everyone gets a few small presents, but otherwise it’s a completely different location and feel. You’re relying on others to ‘do’ Christmas for you, sometimes in someplace sunny and tropical that is so completely different that you’re not in the same frame of mind at all.
I realize that this is an expensive option, but you could maybe tailor and incorporate elements of it without the cost. The point is that instead of trying to fit into a mold that doesn’t work for you, as you try to carry the Christmas burden for lots of other people, you can choose not to. Don’t eat the traditional foods or play the traditional music. It’s OK. And if you’re happier, the kids just may be, too. Does anyone really like turkey all that much, anyway?
Good luck to your sister, and I hope she finds some peace.
You probably know that Psychiatrists have a term for the Christmas Blues – it’s called the “Post-Christmas Traumatic Syndrome,” which is somewhat a misnomer in that one can have the Christmas Blues before, during and after the Christmas holidays… as your sister said, “As soon as Thanksgiving hits, the dread hits.”
My first suggestion is for your sister to acknowledge that Christmas isn’t the happiest time of the year for her. It sounds like she may have already done this. Acknowledging the reality of how she feels and not fighting those feelings is the first step in being set free.
My next suggestion comes from having researched everything Christmas for over 10 years. Realize that the perfect Christmas… you know the one where people say, “I wish Christmas could be as it used to be”… has never ever existed. When people say, “I wish Christmas could be as it used to be,” they have bought into an illusion. It’s a place of make-believe made up in the minds of men. Washington Irving and Charles Dickens created an idealized version of Merrie o’ England out of thin air rather that the rowdy medieval Christmas that actually existed at the time. It was much like our modern Mardi Gras celebration. The rowdy, communal celebration changed into a private, domesticated child-n-family centered affair in the early 19th century.
You may be interested in my book “Santa-tizing: What’s wrong with Christmas and how to clean it up,” which is available on Amazon. It may help your sister. I believe that it will definitely intrigue and enlighten you both.
All of the topics you have mentioned since I have been reading your blog have really touched me. I really feel for your sister. I have been trying to figure out how or whether to comment on this topic.
I myself do not have stellar memories of Christmas after my parents divorced when I was 10. As an adult I converted to another religion that does not celebrate Christmas, and so at Christmas time, I do not celebrate with what seems like the rest of the world. It can be very overwhelming, and sometimes I feel like people expect too much of those who do not want to celebrate it or have it in their lives. Our family does have other traditions that we celebrate together that more than make up for not celebrating Christmas, but I do miss being around my extended family, as we do not attend the big family Christmas celebration. At my house we have a family dinner once a week, and a family day, that is just us. That is like having Christmas once a week. It is a break from the world around us.
I feel that your sister should not have to apologize to the rest of the world for her feelings. She has gone through difficult times, and Christmas has been a yearly reminder of those issues. The holidays can be super stressful, even when you enjoy that time of year. My advice to your sister would be to make other times of the year more special, and maybe keep Christmas low key. If she is worried about the example she sets for her kids, she could talk with them and explain at their level, that “Christmas is not that important to Mom, due to religious reasons(or whatever is appropriate). But, that being with her family is very important, and so to celebrate family time, we will do…”
If she wants to, she could say “I’m glad that our neighbors and other family love to do the decorating, and cooking, (or whatever), I enjoy their hospitality, but it doesn’t make me happy to do those things. We will do this instead… And when you grow up you can celebrate it how you would like to.”
I hope that your sister is able to relax and find a way to cope with this time of year. All the best to both of you.
Call Summer http://www.summereternity.com/
She can give you in a two hour session what most people take 5plus years in therapy to complete. Complete being the key word.-Life is now and now and now. Bringing all that energy back from the past and lovingly digesting, assimilating and eliminating the experiences will set you (beloved sister) free. Then your heart light can shine, whether itis at Christmas or anytime of year. I am serious…call Summer. http://www.summereternity.com/
Maybe start a new tradition around the holidays…… out with the old, in with the new. Spend time with some great people, play games, laugh and have fun. Come visit Grandma, because she is guaranteed to provide some entertainment.
I feel this year for some reason that I’d like to do away with gifts and just spend time with all the wonderful people in my life.
You have all shared some very wise advice! In particular the suggestions to create a new, completely different tradition is along the lines of what I advised: “why not just scrap Christmas and go somewhere warm?” I think it would be more realistic if her budget wasn’t so tight, but it’s definitely something to put on the “plan for” list for years to come. As for this year, she’s going to come to our house for Christmas Day so we can make dinner together over a couple glasses of wine–much more fun and less stress for both of us.
JLSR, thank you in particular for this little nugget of wisdom: “It’s NOT the most wonderful time of the year! There are other times of the year that I enjoy much more. But it is a good time of the year and it can be happy.” You’re right–you don’t have to buy into the whole hoopla to be generally peaceful and content this time of year. I think you just need to figure out a way to opt out on some level.
My sister’s kids are 18, 15, 13, and 4, so she’ll be doing the holiday with kids for some time to come. I know she’s reading this advice and taking it to heart.
Oh, and Carolyn–I think we need to figure out a way to get our families together at Christmas-time, or at least thereabouts! I’m with you on scaling back the gifts-particularly with extended family get-togethers. Besides, who can buy gifts for everyone with the kind of baby boom you guys just had?
There is a lot of pressure surrounding this time of year to be particularly happy. I say start by easing up on yourself, try to see this time of year for what it is -just another time of year that has a particular set of circumstances (its cold, there are holidays, there are a few extra days off work, etc).Don’t keep telling yourself that if you’re not jumping up and down with joy you’re a failure. It’s perfectly fine to not be excited about a holiday. And I totally agree with the others, do something you love to do:cuddle up with the kids for movie night/afternoon; go sledding; make yourself your favorite meal with the best ingredients; take care of a task or want-to-do item you’ve been putting off. That last one may sound counter intuitive but it will help you feel good about yourself, which is part of the issue here.
Good luck….and happy new year,
KM
I have been thinking about the holiday spirit a lot lately and I feel so much like your sister does. Beginning the week before Thanksgiving, I just experience this sadness accompanied by a pressure to be festive. So I’m trying to overcome some post holiday stress syndrome myself. Thanks to everyone for the ideas. I’ll be trying some of them too.
God bless your sister. I share her holiday angst and dread, but for different reasons. I had a happy childhood — very happy. But for me, the holidays are burdened now by a deep sense of grief and loss. Early on, I lost most of the key people who made my holidays happy.
Today I am going through caring for a mother with dementia while trying to make the holidays happy for my husband and son. The pressures never seem to end, even though I have tried to simplify as much as I can. I have started to make peace with CHristmas, but it’s not easy. I’ve expressed all this a bit better in the Christmas post I wrote, “The Grinch’s Notebook,” which might provide comfort to those suffering grief and loss at holiday time.
My parents divorced when I was 8; and I’ve been through the trauma of a broke mother, icky new stepmother, bitter father, etc, etc. I really sympathize with your sister! I too hated Christmas for awhile because I was so envious of what everyone else “seemed” to have! And of course they always had what I wanted!
Here is my two cents. Give herself permission to NOT feel happy at the holidays. Ask her children what Christmas really means for them. What exactly do they want to do to celebrate, not what they want as gifts. Perhaps there are one or two things that would make them truly feel like it’s Christmas. Sleigh ride, tree decorating, cookie baking, Santa visit, trip to see the lights, sledding? Fake it for just those events, really play it up (c’mon it’s an hour at most), then let the rest of the season go. No music, no movies, pretend that life has fast forwarded to January.
Oh my dear sweet niece, I had no idea of the sadness and stress you’ve felt at Christmas and my heart breaks for you.
I remember so fondly all the Christmases we spent at your parent’s homes in Munising and Sault Ste Marie. When I reminisce on it now I get warm, joyful feelings inside. It’s not the traditional Christmas things that I think about though, it’s the family being together, it’s the long car rides (most of them in snow storms), it was listening to Gram’s stories along the way and how anxious she was to get there, it was the little quirky things that happened, it was playing cards and scrabble to all hours of the night. It was just about having fun and forgetting all of our troubles for one whole day. It was the laughter! That was the best of all.
Focus on the peaceful, loving holidays you’ve experienced, and try to remember what it was that gave you good feelings.
Unfortunately our society has dictated to us on how we should celebrate Christmas. Most of us seem to think that we have to have all the lights, tinsel, cookies, presents etc, etc., in order to celebrate, after all we grew up that way. We grew up with the way it “should be”, our parents told us that, we saw it in commercials, TV programs and movies, we’ve essentially been programed since birth on how it “should be” and when we can’t fulfill these traditions we feel guilty and stressed.
Kathreen, do the things that make you feel happy and peaceful with your children at Christmas, and that does not have to be, shop till you drop, baking cookies or stringing popcorn, it’s whatever makes YOU happy. For me the best part about Christmas is that most people are happy, even the ones that are usually grumpy will look a little happier. It’s saying “Merry Christmas” to strangers and getting a smile and a “Merry Christmas” back. It’s doing things for people that maybe you wouldn’t have thought about doing before, it’s about all the little Christmas miracles that seem to happen everywhere, it’s being with your family and friends, it’s the music, and of course it’s about eating. LOL Yes, I enjoy the decorating and baking, but only if it’s not stressing me out. It must be enjoyable or it’s pointless. But that’s me, that was your Mom, that doesn’t have to be you.
Start a new tradition for yourself and your family. Do something that’s a “fit” for you, because once you feel peaceful and happy it will trickle down to your children and they too will feel peace and happiness.
I love you, and you know my door is always open to you and the children.
Oh my dear sweet niece, I had no idea of the sadness and stress you’ve felt at Christmas and my heart breaks for you.
I remember so fondly all the Christmases we spent at your parent’s homes in Munising and Sault Ste Marie. When I reminisce on it now I get warm, joyful feelings inside. It’s not the traditional Christmas things that I think about though, it’s the family being together, it’s the long car rides (most of them in snow storms), it was listening to Gram’s stories along the way and how anxious she was to get there, it was the little quirky things that happened, it was playing cards and scrabble to all hours of the night. It was just about having fun and forgetting all of our troubles for one whole day. It was the laughter! That was the best of all.
Focus on the peaceful, loving holidays you’ve experienced, and try to remember what it was that gave you good feelings.
Unfortunately our society has dictated to us on how we should celebrate Christmas. Most of us seem to think that we have to have all the lights, tinsel, cookies, presents etc, etc., in order to celebrate, after all we grew up that way. We grew up with the way it “should be”, our parents told us that, we saw it in commercials, TV programs and movies, we’ve essentially been programed since birth on how it “should be” and when we can’t fulfill these traditions we feel guilty and stressed.
Kathreen, do the things that make you feel happy and peaceful with your children at Christmas, and that does not have to be, shop till you drop, baking cookies or stringing popcorn, it’s whatever makes YOU happy. For me the best part about Christmas is that most people are happy, even the ones that are usually grumpy will look a little happier. It’s saying “Merry Christmas” to strangers and getting a smile and a “Merry Christmas” back. It’s doing things for people that maybe you wouldn’t have thought about doing before, it’s about all the little Christmas miracles that seem to happen everywhere, it’s being with your family and friends, it’s the music, and of course it’s about eating. LOL Yes, I enjoy the decorating and baking, but only if it’s not stressing me out. It must be enjoyable or it’s pointless. But that’s me, that was your Mom, that doesn’t have to be you.
Start a new tradition for yourself and your family. Do something that’s a “fit” for you, because once you feel peaceful and happy it will trickle down to your children and they too will feel peace and happiness.
I love you, and you know my door is always open to you and the children.
Just discovered your blog so this entry is 2 months overdue.
For the first 9 years of my now 19 year marriage, I dreaded Christmas because we were broke. My husband left the USN and went to college full-time Two years later, I left the USN and went to college. After I graduated, our son was born and we bought a fixer upper house. College loans came due and we decided I would stay home to raise the man child. We had two competing family factions vying for our holiday time and it was horrible because of this overwhelming sense of entitlement both grandmothers felt they had over our son and our time…
I only started to enjoy Christmas when I took the holiday for what it is intended, a Christian holiday. Jesus wasn’t born into the world for my family to go broke. He wasn’t born into the world for me to pander and entertain my dysfunctional extended family. The jolly fat guy selling Coke has only one purpose, to sell soda. Deer can’t fly higher than maybe 6 feet and there is no magic sleigh, elves, or Santa’s workshop.
To make things better, DH and I decided what our intentions were for Christmas. We attend our Church services and we eat our Christmas dinner together with our children. We visit family after Christmas and limit the time with them because quite frankly, my family is a nuisance and they reside 400 miles away.
We don’t go crazy with the gift giving either. I hand make many gifts and purchase gifts early, by mid Summer. You have to do the best with what you have with regards to gifts.
We decorate minimally. Each child now has a small artificial tree. Our Christmas meal is fairly basic. I pre-cook as much food as I can and we warm up a small honey ham.
I say these things ultimately to convey one thought. For the holidays, your sister needs to do what is pleasing for herself and her children, without guilt or excuses.
I wish your family well and it is my sincere hope that your sister can tackle her feelings head on and begin to enjoy the Holidays. Blessings,hc
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