Naturally happy?

First of all, “hello” to all the new readers that came over from The Happiness Project.. I’m so glad to see you and hope you’ll keep coming back!

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine said that I seem happy pretty much all the time–and wondered why. Am I just naturally that way?

That question gave me pause. And when I say “gave me pause” I mean I am still mulling it over.

Because as much as I believe that everyone has some power over their happiness, the last thing I want to do is seem glib. The pursuit of happiness is not as simple as fighting against “stinkin’ thinkin’” or posting Nelson Mandela quotes on your mirror. Specific to motherhood, there are so many factors (hormonal shifts, lack of sleep, babies who won’t sleep/stop crying, isolation, health issues, behavioral issues, financial/work problems, marriage stressors…) that can make one mother’s experience completely different from another’s.

It also depends how you define happiness. Is it simply the absence of sadness, anxiety, or anger? Is it a feeling of excitement, like a high? Or is it a general sense of contentedness in spite of ups and downs; of feeling engaged and energized by life, and looking forward to what each day has to offer? (The last one is my personal definition).

I believe it’s probably true that there some people who are simply wired to be less happy than others. And yet even if somebody’s circumstances or chemical makeup make happiness harder to access, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing they can do about it. It doesn’t have to come easily or naturally to be a worthwhile goal.

I grew up immersed in the effects of (someone else’s) depression. That, in and of itself, makes me susceptible to unhappiness–I certainly saw it modeled enough, and the genetic makeup is there. I have gone through periods of being extremely unhappy, and some of my unhappiest moments (and months) were in my first few years of motherhood. And yet, I wasn’t just a victim of my genes. For one thing, I’d been thrown headlong into a new situation that there is no real way to prepare for, no matter how many parenting classes you take or how much you read before that baby is born. And I was creating a lot of unhappiness, too. I can see clearly now that so many of the decisions and choices I made were making me miserable back then, but at the time, I couldn’t see through the fog to get to the other side.

I wish that, back then in my early days of motherhood, among all the parenting experts and guru moms telling me how long to breastfeed, when to potty train, what kind of diapers to use and where my baby should sleep, that there had been a few experienced voices telling me, just as loudly and urgently, that my happiness and well-being mattered as much as the rest of it. Not only that–I wish they’d told me how to get from where I was to where I didn’t even think I could be. How to be happier is really hard to figure out when you’re drowning in milk and diapers and seeing life through the haze of sleep deprivation and you really just want to tune out the noise and the mess that comes with having kids.

Commiseration about the hard parts of motherhood is great, but it isn’t always enough. You can’t necessarily just decide to be happier and make it so, but you can make real, concrete changes to your life that make happiness more likely. Moms have a unique set of circumstances and obstacles to happiness, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be happier. That’s what this blog is all about. Not everything I suggest will work for every reader, but if even one thing I write strikes a chord with you, it’s worth it. And if you have your own revelations along the way, so much the better.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s this: regardless of what you feed your kid, or how you clothe him, or whether or not you read out loud to her every day or do craft projects or find just the right educational toys, your happiness–or lack thereof–will shine through, loud and clear.

And it will make all the difference. For them, and for you.