At-Home Moms, Working Moms, and Financial Security
Yes, I’m going there.
But I want to be clear right up front that I am not interested in a mommy wars debate about whether working out of the home, working inside the home or caring for kids full-time is the superior choice. I have been a full-time-working-outside-the-house mom, a stay-at-home mom, and all manner of hybrids in between from student to part-time employee to, now, working somewhere between part and full time from home. I am proud of and confident in the contributions I’ve made in each of those situations and have no doubt that my kids were happy and thriving in each scenario as well.
But the conversation I want to have has little to do with what’s best for kids, and has everything to do with what’s best for moms (which, by extension, often means what’s best for kids…but not always, at least not always in the short term).
Not that what’s best for kids isn’t important. We all make sacrifices, whether we’re working more-than-full-time in a corporate office or pulling the 24/7 shift at home. We don’t really need to debate that, do we? Most moms are acutely aware of what our kids need, of how much time we’re able (or not able) to spend with them. We may put different levels of value on different things–i.e. those parents who feel duty-bound to pay for four years of university for each child certainly have different financial needs from those who aren’t even sure preschool is worth the bill. Those who value a comfortable, warm home that the kids can return to as adults have different financial needs from those who could chuck it all and happily live in a sailboat. But in the end, our values shape our parenting which shapes our drive to earn, to sock funds away, and to protect our kids’ futures.
But what about us? Are we as protective of ourselves?
If you had asked me ten years ago, the last time I was a stay-at-home mom not earning any income, I’d have said that I had little to lose by not being in the workforce. After all, by the time you factored in child-care costs for two children (one of whom was a newborn), work clothes, a commute, etc; we’d have barely broken even on my income.
That’s easy to say when you’re 22, your kids are still relatively inexpensive to clothe and feed and don’t ask for lessons or sports equipment, and when you have decades ahead of you to establish job experience and build a career. Yet it’s the same sentiment I hear dished out from radio hosts and financial experts to moms in their 30s or 40s who are mulling over their places in the workforce and whether or not to try to wiggle their way back in (or not leave at all). Is it realistic advice?
Personally, even though I’m only 32, I can’t imagine going back there. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t regret the time I spent as an at-home mom. In fact, I relish it, and have intentionally built a career around being available to my children. I’ve bypassed plenty of opportunities because they didn’t fit into my family life.
But I now feel the passage of time more acutely. I feel retirement age breathing down my neck, even though it’s still a good thirty years away. I look at my bank account and think it should be fatter by now. And I see how easy it would be for me to become, well, irrelevant to the working world if I weren’t making an effort to stay ahead of the curve.
And while I wouldn’t relish the idea of working full time out of the home with five young kids, if it came to that I wouldn’t see it as the tragedy I once might have. I guess that’s because I see now that there’s more to working than the paycheck you bring home. Social Security, retirement accounts, on-the-job experience…all those things are also valuable and, I fear, often overlooked when parents make the decision about who will work, and who will care for the children, and for how long.
What does this have to do with happiness?
Well, the way I see it, it’s hard to be really happy when you aren’t secure. It worries me when I see moms who’ve been out of the workforce for five, ten, fifteen years. I admit it. It worries me because I’ve seen so many moms get stuck with the short end of the stick when they divorce – or when they need to get a job due to an economic downturn or their husband’s layoff. Suddenly, all those years of experience they bypassed because the paycheck didn’t add up seem a little more valuable. (Read Katie Allison Granju’s take on the “Opt-Out Revolution” for more about how vulnerable women can become when they rely on their husbands for financial security).
On the other hand…
We also can’t happily live our lives waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t go through each day with “but what if my husband leaves me?” or “But what if we wind up in a financial disaster?” ringing in my head, because even though both of those things could feasibly happen—in fact, neither of those things are statistically all that unlikely to happen—in my version of reality, they are remote possibilities not worth giving much thought to. I just can’t dwell on them much, or I’d be eaten away by anxiety. And what’s more, despite my relative lack of wealth, I live with the sense that, even if something were to happen, my kids and I would eventually be OK. I may not have a huge savings account or retirement investments, but I do have a sense of resolve and strength and can-do-it-ness, as well as strong support from family and friends, that I could lean heavily on—and have in the past. It may not be as immediate a fix as a stash of cash would be, but it lasts longer, and is ultimately just as valuable.
I think it’s possible to over- or under-think this in either direction. Sometimes I think moms who leave the workforce entirely for an extended period of time just don’t realize the extent of what they’re giving up, failing to protect themselves—and by extension, their kids—because they so badly want to be at home with them. That worries me, not because I don’t think being at home can be a wonderful thing, because I do. But I worry about what will happen to those moms if something unexpected should happen.
And sometimes I think moms rush into full-time, high-pressure jobs outside the home, even when they don’t want to, because they think they “should”, or because they think their kids need things (that may in reality not be all that important), or because they are paralyzed by financial worries and see stockpiling cash as some kind of charm against getting screwed over by life. And that worries me. Not because I don’t think working outside the home can be a wonderful thing, because I do. But I worry about those moms living a life that doesn’t make them happy all because of “just in case”.
All that said, I’m still not sure what I think about all this. How much do moms need to worry about their financial futures—not just cold hard cash, but all those intangible qualities: experience, in-the-know-ness, connections and contacts–that put them in a good position to earn down the road? Is it safe or smart to shelve all that for two or ten years while you raise kids, then try to jump back in when you’re behind the curve?
On the other hand, how much financial security is enough? Do we sometimes freak out too far in the other direction? Is it possible to over-think, to over-plan, to over-worry?
I need to mull it over, but wanted to get some discussion going in the meanwhile. Are you an at-home mom who’s taken steps to protect herself (and her kids) against potential crises? Or are you winging it and having faith that things will turn out for the best? If that works for you, why does it work? Do you feel secure and happy with your situation?
Or if you’re a working mom, do you feel like you have something to prove (a certain lifestyle perhaps…)? Do you feel pressure to climb the ladder in the hopes that your efforts will prove “worth it” to those who might otherwise judge you for not being home? Do you and your spouse talk about earnings and make a conscious decision as to whose career will get the lion’s share of the family energy? If your career tends to get the short end of the stick, does that get made up for in some other way? Do you feel secure and happy with your situation?
I’m really looking forward to hearing how real moms navigate this tricky road, which isn’t always easy to discuss with our friends, family or even—sometimes, most of all—our spouses. And a gentle reminder to keep the comments on topic…this isn’t a debate about which of our arrangements are better, but a discussion on how to best look out for ourselves, no matter what arrangement we’re in.
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Since my career has greater earning power and gives me more satisfaction than my husband’s does for him, we agreed I would be the primary bread winner and he would man the homefront.
That said, we’ve both decided it is critical for him to stay working and connected while home. To that end, our kids are in some kind of care at least twice a week so that he can get the work he needs to done to earn his much more modest part-time income.
I agree that too many women drop out altogether and do themselves a disservice. Even if you can’t ever imagine a divorce, layoffs, sickness, death and accidents can wipe out a sole breadwinner’s earnings. I wouldn’t want a spouse of either gender to have to start from scratch in their 30s.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Wow, what a beautifully put post, and a conundrum for sure!
I did everything backwards. I had my baby just out of HS, was a single mom putting myself through a top university (while coming to terms with the devastation of an autism diagnosis), married my husband and moved to the west coast, and then decided I needed to stay home to help my son. A second child later, I’m still trying to figure out what my career will be, and what it will look like.
To be fair we’ve been financially able to keep more than afloat for the past 6 years and the Hubster is in a secure spot, but that could always change. I do feel the need to seek out something for myself and to own it in spite of his career success. Still, with kids (and we’re not done yet) I’ve need the time to find something I love and something very flexible…a tall order!
But that doesn’t really address the subject of happiness. I don’t think what you do, earn, live, or have makes you happy. Happiness is relative and intrinsic. I know plenty of happy moms who work and miserable stay at home moms, and vice versa. Tangible life can influence happiness, but deep down happiness is a personal thing that is dependent on you, and you alone.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Catherine, I definitely agree that happiness comes from within–however, I definitely have preferences about the way I want to live my life, and I feel that if I was able to make changes that would improve my life and didn’t, I would feel less satisfied overall. I guess what I’m saying is that I could work 60+ hours a week, or wind up in financial ruin, or any other number or “not ideal” circumstances and still find happiness, but I will be more satisfied if I’m living a life that lines up with my ideal.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
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November 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Not a particularly cohesive stream of thoughts…
I am an “older” mom. I was single ’til I was 32 then had the Vikings at 35 and 37. I was in the full-time working world for 12 years. I waited for the right guy and hurried up to have the babies before it was too late. Giving up working full-time was more about me learning to have faith God would provide, learning to trust/depend on/create a team with DaHubby, and not feeling “trapped” by not earning my own income.
For the 2 years between being married and my oldest being born (I was pregnant but lost another pregnancy in that time as well), DaHubby assured me that it was not necessary for me to “report in” each evening to show I had accomplished something instead of “laying around” while he worked. LOL Now, both of us admit I work WAY harder at home than he does at work but society had simply deemed what he does to be worth more money. And, for me, waiting so long to have a family makes it a top priority to give up whatever it takes to stay home full time.
Another thought - when we went through the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace classes, he mentioned something about women in general seem to have a “security gene”. This struck a cord with me. I am more likely than DaHubby to want to save up more money and have larger financial “padding” than might be necessary because then I don’t have to worry about the “Murphys” (as in Murphy’s Law) than inevitably happen in the life of a homeowner and parent.
So, in my case, financial security (which for me would be defined as being debt-free with at least 6 months income in the bank with the rest being invested for retirement) would DEFINITELY make me a happier mom.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I never considered being a stay at home mother precisely because of the issues you raised. I’ve known too many women who became single parents through divorce or death and I would never feel comfortable completely relying on my husband’s income. I’m more fortunate than most women in that my husband is self-employed and works from home, so he’s been able to take care of things like peds visits and grocery shopping. It makes juggling work and family commitments much easier.
I have bought plenty of life insurance for myself and my husband and we are scrupulous about staying out of debt (no credit card balance and no car payments). We could do better on the savings front but we are paying a lot in childcare right now and that should ease up once my son is old enough to go to school.
On a more philosophical note, I think that being a working mom is part of the example I want to set for my son. I want him to see it as normal that women are strong, independent and able to take care of themselves. So for me, being a working mother is both a matter of financial security and a matter of values.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I’ve been building my writing business ever since my 1st child was born 11 (almost 12!) yrs. ago. It’s been slow, partly b/c I was learning and partly b/c my first priority was my kids. (Three more have been born since then.) But I’ve done it — each yr., I’ve taken steps ahead in my writing career. And let me tell you: now that my husband’s left, I’m ever so glad. All those years of gradual build-up have left me in a pretty good position.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I worked full-time as an engineer for years before my first child was born. I was able to negotiate a part-time schedule when I returned, that had me working out of the office 3 days a week, and at home 2 half-days. While it wasn’t perfect, it was mostly good, and a reasonable balance for me. And since I was working as an engineer, even in a part-time capacity I was making a comfortable income.
I was laid off while I was on maternity leave with my second child. I have decided to live on my severance for a while, and see if I can cobble together a career as a part-time freelancer from home. Because I had been in my job for a long time, I have at least a year or two to try to make a go of it.
For me, having something to engage me outside of mothering is important. It doesn’t have to be big or thrilling, but it does have to be mine. It helps me feel that I am contributing and that I have options. It also helps me to feel that I will have a life outside of my children when they inevitably grow up.
I am a child of divorce. While I have no reason to believe that my marriage will dissolve, I don’t like feeling as if I will be left with few options were the unthinkable to happen. I also like having a financial safety net. And, at 33, I know that it’s going to be harder for me to catch up if I’m trying to enter the workforce all over again in a few years. So, while my lifestyle is very simple, I’m definitely not comfortable with just winging it.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:37 am
I worked full time and supported my husband and I while he was in grad school. Then, while his early academic career was getting started, we focused on his career. During this time, I stayed home with our children, and happily. We moved a lot (4 times in 5 years) following job opportunities for him, so staying home with the family helped provide some stability. Our kids are 5 now, and his career is stable. I started graduate school myself last year, and will graduate with 2 professional degrees at the end of the four years (it’s a joint program).
So. I guess we had a see-saw model, wherein both of our careers were recognized as important, just not both at the same time. These days, with 2 academic (read: somewhat flexible) schedules, we co-parent our kids (we’re like a superhero/closet identity in that you rarely see the two of us together at once during the week…). We’re definitely both working full time, but the flexibility of our schedules allows us to (jointly) be the primary/sole caretaker(s) for our kids. It’s a model I like, but I realize that not every career model supports.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Hi Megan, this is my first post but I love reading your blog and all the topics you remind me to be conscious of. That being said- I wanted to put my story out there because I think its relevant here: I had my first boy at 24, we were shocked but happy and with my husband making entry level money, I kept my job because in CA, let’s face it- we needed the income! We are both the youngest in our families and had the “gotta prove we’re not babies” chip on our shoulders… so we had a lifestyle that was very comfortable and invested heavily in retirement accounts and college savings. When I got pregnant with number two my mom stopped being so willing to care for number one- after all she had no intentions of raising a second family and as we mulled over a nanny or in-home care for both boys we were rocked by a huge surprise- without boring you with details I can say that we were involved in fraudulent representation of our money and found out the the thousands we had saved and the thousands more we had “grown” were looking more like this- $0.00
It was a complete wake up, we laughed, cried, screamed and took stock. Even though we had “done everything right” this had happened, to us… not a upper middle class, fancy car driving, big house owning family but a regular, used car driving, tiny house owning family and we were lost.
For me personally, this was the time when I needed most to have financial security but as the days and weeks went forward I found less to relish in all those hours at work. I missed my son, I ached for him and finally one cold, rainy day I stopped quieting my inner voice and drafted what would be my letter of resignation. I left and had my second son, then my third (after an ectopic in between) so its been a long road- and that entry level salary my husband was making, is still pretty small- I feel proud to say own a small home in a safe neighborhood, we feed, clothe, diaper 3 kids on less than 50K a year. We have cut out everything that wasn’t getting us to the “big picture”. We downsized and removed all the extras and I guess for now, I don’t miss them all that much. In this economy I have learned to find a sense of accomplishment in a fifty dollar weekly grocery bill and creativity in my home management- I know that’s not appealing to all, but for me- it was amazing for my sense of self.
I guess my long winded point is, although the security you build for yourself can be comforting and give a certain piece of mind- I never doubted our futures when I worked and we saved- until all that was gone and I realized that for me I didn’t want to miss this, this temporary time where these little people were defining themselves and their worlds and looking for answers and guidance. I wanted to be the one giving it. I will work again and we will save again (I’m still a little hesitant to try more than a money market) but I felt the sudden realization that I was giving up my present for a future that may never come and for me, that future could wait.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Thank you so much for this post; it’s very timely for me. I am a new mom with a 6 month old, and I work part-time (I am so glad it’s not FT). Still, I find myself longing to be fully at home with my daughter. I chatted with my husband about this and he raised valid concerns about our financial security/future. I appreciate the conversation here and I’ll be checking back to see what others have to say. Thanks again!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Very thought provoking at usual Meagan. I’m home on maternity leave now with my second which affords me some perspective from going back to work after my first. I remember with my first I was terrified of going back, of missing moments, of not being in complete control of his life, of managing the priorities. What I’ve learned is that it’s much easier to work and mother than many might think. Time is always at a premium and I do miss things with him (and soon my second), but with the security of a tremendous caregiver I’ve learned that the more people who love my children the better. That allows me to engage myself in a way I couldn’t if I stayed home, to feel whole because I am whole. I have a lovely family, wonderful children and an engaging and exhilirating career that I enjoy.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I love this post. It is a struggle to find something that both feeds your soul and your bank account in general, but especially as a mother. I have a 3 year old and a 12 month old (and we might have one more) and since the cost of child care is prohibitive for us AND I want to be home for my children, I stay home. I do work part-time from home and also try to take advantage of this chance to work on projects that I find fulfilling and hope they can earn me a partial salary when my kids start school. I would love to be able to work from home for the rest of my life. That said, I have been thinking more and more about getting a real job. Benefits and financial independence and (perhaps) a more even split on the child-rearing, housekeeping front. Banks like to see salaries, too, not some formula of the potential cost of child care plus freelance income. But what make me happy? Being home with my kids but also living an intellectual life of my own.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Excellent article that addresses my husband’s and my current situation: older first-time parents (ages 40 & 53) who value the SAH parent, but who must face their own situation of small retirement accounts (me because I stayed in grad-school too long then spent another 4 years as a contractor in the boom-and-bust dot.com economy in Texas; he because before our marriage was a small-town, self-employed attorney). Now we both work in state government and have a chance at modest state pensions IF we stay with the system for the next couple of decades. An equally well-educated friend, whose husband had a very good and supposedly stable job, “opted-out” when they adopted two children. He was laid off and she has spent the last year desperate to find work. 8 years of meaningful volunteer work both through her children’s schools and in professional societies unfortunately has not helped her resume. I’m terrified of the same thing happening to me. Therefore I am continuing full-time work. Maybe if I were 15 years younger and the job market less precarious I’d feel I had more viable options.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Yet another thoughtful and balanced post M. I think about this issue a lot as well. To be quite frank (and bleak…sorry), my worry center comes from having seen domestic abuse victims stay with the abuser because they felt trapped due to the financial situation. The cases I’m thinking of involve women who have been out of the workplace a long time and have kids; the concept of making a run for it, and then also figuring out what to do with the kids and the work scenario are overwhelming. It’s so, so sad. They’re still there.
Save maternity leave, I haven’t ever not worked so I can only speak from that side of things. But I do think that women should always be confident in their ability to provide for themselves, and keep up their skills so they can re-enter at any time. Also, these days there are various programs to help women relaunch into the workforce.
-Christine
November 13th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
The types of things you addressed are precisely why I think about going back to work. I talk with my husband about our finances and have told him repeatedly that if the burden on him get to be too much just say the word and I’ll go find a job.
My issue is that, if I go back, I can’t see myself working just *anywhere.* I strted working at 15 and I’ve been helping other people “get rich” since then while at times putting my family in the poor house (I had to work when our son was born, hubs made more money but I had the health insurance. Childcare cost left us in a deficit every month).
I’m trying to channel Oprah and thinking that finding something I love will make the money follow. I see the benefit being at home has had on our son. But my retirement portfolio and the gap in my resume are both equally frightening.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Finally getting a chance to respond to these comments…it’s been a busy week! Thanks to everyone for weighing in. It seems like this is something most of you have given thought to, which I find encouraging. I’m glad to know that moms know it’s not selfish to put their own financial futures high on the family priority list.
I’ve seen a few at-home moms talk about how they feel financially secure (little or no debt, a fat savings account, etc). Not to put too fine a point on it, but how do you make “OUR financial security” translate into “MY financial security”? Has anyone gone so far as to establish a trust in your name or set up some kind of legal agreement protecting yourself in case of death, divorce, etc?
For those of you who aren’t in the workforce (and who won’t be for a while) I’d love to hear how you keep your skills sharp. It seems like the Internet has made it more possible than ever to stay on top of emerging trends and keep connections with people in your field, even when you aren’t working in that field. How can moms really take advantage of that?
A couple of years ago there was a story about a woman who took serious time off to raise her kids, and then stepped back in as, I think, CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Anyone remember this story, or the company? Seems her story could be a case study for how to take the time off you and your family need while still protecting your future.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
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November 15th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I have had 3 children and stopped for maternity leave for 6 months for each.
I have been working since leaving Uni (graduated with my husband) 16 years ago. My biggest motivation for going to Uni was that my best friend’s mother had to wash dishes for a living in order to escape an abusive husband and for her to support her kids
I have been both ahead of my husband and behind him on the career front. With every new job opportunity we have discussed who’s job is no. 1 and who’s is no. 2. This blantant discussion was required because our children were in full time day care / school and it needed to be clear who would need to take time off work when they were sick. Quite often we would meet on the highway between workplaces to swap because of a meeting/commitment that the other had.
I ended up having my dream job at 34 yo - but it was massive and there were legal issues that needed to be dealt with (the company were breaking the law and although I wasn’t a director so wouldn’t be sitting in jail if it came to light, I am an honest person). We disussed ways to leave that would not be too obvious (we lived in a place where you stay in a job for 3 - 10 years as it was where everyone wanted to live/work in my industry).
We decided to live overseas. My husband got a promotion within his company in the move. I worked full time for the first year, but as my company weren’t paying for international schooling for 3 kids, housing and medical (US$100+ pa), his job is no 1 and my company know it (made very clear before I accepted job). My job is same level as the job in Aus, but with reputable company - much less stress but still very good on a resume.
For the past 2 years I cut the hours back to 2 days at the office, 2 days from home/part time office. Fridays is my day of helping at school, bookclub, haircut, seeing friends etc. So 3 days a week I am at home when the kids get home from school.
None of this would have been possible if I had quit work after having my first child 10 years ago. I have such a cushy job now because I worked so hard for the first 13 years of my career AND because I was in a position to negotiate because my husband had also worked so hard for the first 13 years of his career. Our accomplishments are a joint effort and have been since sharing a full time bar job for our last 3 years at Uni.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I think these questions are so hard though some women seem really clear about wanting to be home full-time or wanting to work full-time and not being able to deal with being home. I know I’m not totally clear on it. I think we can get so isolated in our society without extended family around to help out. I know that I really appreciate being as much a part of my kids’ education as I can with a flexible schedule (going on field trips, volunteering in class), which is not something I could do if I had a more traditional job (I work from home and make a living as a writer). I thought I wanted to be home ALL THE TIME and not work when my girls were little but when my husband got a job that had him leaving before sunrise and not home until half an hour before they went to bed, I practically had a nervous breakdown. I was not a good mom when I was on duty 18 hours a day and he was miserable not seeing the kids and getting to spend time with them…
December 8th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Interesting post. What I like about this post and differentiates from many posts on this topic is that you point out the difference between opting out in your 20s vs. opting out late in life. I know many women who have opted out in their mid to late 30s. Going back to work 5-10 years from now is not easy when you’re that old.
Also, people always calculate their missed earnings inaccurately. They will probably not earn as much upon returning and also lose the benefits of accruing interest on their earnings (if they had continued working).
I guess it’s no question that where I fall on this debate. While I respect both choices, I feel that many opt out for the wrong reasons or without fully weighing the financial consequences.