What other people think of me, that is.
Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. But ten or fifteen or twenty years ago, I cared a whole lot more about what people thought. I allowed other people’s opinions to affect my own. I was often afraid to speak up in the face of disagreement. I wasn’t a very good advocate for myself.
But motherhood changes all that. As it turned out, I was drawn to parenting options that put me firmly outside the mainstream, like having my babies at home, breastfeeding past a year (or two), looking beyond the local public school, and sleeping alongside my infants.
Keep in mind that while some of those crunchier choices have become more and more mainstream, twelve years ago they were practically heretical in some circles. Here I was, the girl who didn’t want to offend anyone, making choices that threatened to offend. Like the time I breastfed in a Hooter’s restaurant. There was the year I pulled my floundering boys out of school and homeschooled them, even though pretty much all my friends and much of my family have some ties to the public school system. (that made for some interesting dinner conversation). Nowadays I raise eyebrows with things like having more kids than some think seemly or letting my kids walk to school. No matter what I do, if I’m doing what seems right, I run the risk of ruffling feathers.
I never set out to be controversial. It’s just that I began to realize early on as a mom that it simply wasn’t possible to be a good girl, fly under the radar, and still do things the way I felt compelled to do them. In order to make the right choices for my family, I risk the criticism of others–and that would be true no matter what choices I was making. As I saw it, I had three choices: 1. NOT do what seemed right out of fear of criticism, 2. do what I wanted but go into hiding for eighteen years to avoid conflict, or 3. learn not to care what others thought.
I chose 3. As the years went on and I found my voice I became both a stronger advocate for my kids as well as more compassionate and accepting of other choices (I realized that the less I worried about being judged, the less I felt the need to judge others). My backbone grew steelier with each passing month, and it was noticeable in every area of my life: relationships, parenting, work (hey, you think it’s easy to field hundreds of rejections while you’re starting out as a freelance writer?) Now I’m not only unafraid to make sometimes-unpopular choices, but I write about them, too. And while I still feel a bit of a twinge when somebody loudly disagrees with me, it no longer has bearing on the choices I make or my willingness to talk about them.
I can’t say I now love conflict (I think it would be kind of weird if I did) but the idea of it no longer sets my knees knocking. I don’t feel the need to jump into every fray, but I’m not afraid to make my voice heard when I think it will matter, and I’m not afraid to make the choices I need to even if I don’t think they’ll be popular.
I’m sure that if I’d not had kids I would have eventually gotten over my fear of conflict and criticism. But I’m guessing it wouldn’t have happened as quickly or with as much urgency. A fussing, hungry baby in a Hooters restaurant is its own special kind of trial by fire. And when it’s not just you you’re advocating for but your children, it’s just not possible to keep laying low and playing it safe.
Thanks for reading installment #2 of how motherhood has changed me. I’ve got plenty more where this came from, and I’ll be posting them on Mondays for the foreseeable future, so please–if you’ve got a story or two to share about how motherhood has changed you for the better, put it on your blog and leave me a link or share in the comments. I’ll share the links in a future post. Thanks to the following bloggers for jumping in last week!
- Amber: Motherhood, Making Me Better
- Summer: Motherhood, Nestle, and Growing Up
- Mara , Christine, Amanda, and Jennifer shared in the comments of last Monday’s post.
Thanks everyone! Can’t wait to hear what people have to say this week.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
As someone who used to sign to our girls to keep them quiet in the grocery store, I completely understand the “I don’t care what you think of me” shift that happens with motherhood. I have friends who went the other way and take every glance as a condemnation of their parenting skills. Me, I don’t care. It’s easier that way.
This is very wise. I’m actually a pretty unconventional person, have made some life choices that are definitely outside the mainstream, and would never be described as timid. But I’ve found the judgments that come with parenthood to be daunting. No matter what choices you make, there’s always chorus of people who disagree with you. Now that my son is older and I’m a more confident parent, it’s getting easier to ignore the harpies. But I still have a lot of work to do in that area.
I absolutely LOVE this. First of all, I celebrate and admire your parenting choices that are perhaps a bit outside of the mainstream. Second of all, not worrying about what others say and think has been a major block for me all of my life. I’m still working (hard) on it. Words like this are so helpful.
Thank you!
First of all, I love your domain name… the happiest mom! Wow!
Thanks for this post by the way! Bless you!
I can absolutely relate to this. I am a new mom and like you, I do not care anymore what other people might think about me. And I love sleeping beside my baby, and breastfeeding him. Priorities change when motherhood comes in. Now, my priority is my baby.
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