the mother you need to be
My fourth son, Owen, is a screamer.
It started when he was a baby. If I picked him up the wrong way, or accidentally bumped his sock-clad foot against the wall–verrry lightly–he’d burst into ear-splitting screams. There was no scaling up from whining to fussing to crying for Owen–it was 0 to scream in a second or less. Every insult, injury or need immediately resulted in shrieks that could not be calmed with my usual bag of soothing tricks. You’d have thought there were piranhas in his diaper.
Fast forward a few years. Owen will be four in a couple months, and he’s still got screamer tendencies. Most of the time he’s quiet and sweet, but once in a while a mix of sleepiness, hunger, disappointment, anger or hurt create a perfect storm and send him off into a fit. During those times I do my best not to escalate the tantrum, but also not to be a doormat or willing target for Owen’s rage. I won’t punish or belittle him for screaming, but I won’t allow him to do it in my face or ear or at the dining-room table, either. I try to blend my natural ability to tune out chaos with reasonable limits: after all, just because it doesn’t really bother me if Owen screams in my face, that doesn’t mean he should get the idea that it’s OK to do so, either.
I can see him getting a little bit more capable of controlling his emotions with every passing month, but of course, he won’t be completely over it by tomorrow. Screaming is part of who Owen is, due partly to his wiring and most likely partly to the fact that, as the youngest of four brothers, he learned that he had to be loud to be heard.
I’m just glad Owen’s not my first child. It would be so easy to assume there was something wrong with me, with my parenting, if my first baby had come out screaming and never stopped.
My first baby, Jacob, came out eager to please. He was a happy, easy baby and a well-behaved toddler. I got a taste of what it’s like to experience “mom success”, that feeling you get when people generally approve of you and your child, when you can get through an outing without breaking down in tears, when your confidence is boosted, rather than deflated, with each passing day.
Then came Isaac. He was one of “those” kids. You know the scene where the kid is running willy-nilly around a store and the mom is sweating and red-faced and trying to keep from breaking down in public? That was me for years. Isaac simply couldn’t and wouldn’t be controlled. He rarely responded to punishments. He reacted to Jacob’s typical big-brother teasing with red-faced rage and sometimes, violence. He responded to anger with indifference. In a few moments of desperation I spanked him, and he laughed at me. (talk about a humiliating moment).
In those days, I had doubts about whether I was the right kind of mom for Isaac, indeed, whether I was any kind of good mom at all. Obviously I had just lucked out with Jacob and couldn’t take credit for his easy-going nature. Maybe Isaac needed somebody more firm and authoritarian, to squelch those rebellious tendencies. Or maybe he needed somebody more nurturing and endlessly patient, to give him the acceptance he needed. Instead, he got me: usually patient, but liable to blow up under extreme pressure. Affectionate, but with a sarcastic streak. Occasionally too lenient. Occasionally too harsh, but always willing to apologize if I crossed a line. Trying hard, but imperfect, and apparently not very effective when matched against a strong-willed toddler.
The mom Isaac got may not have been the perfect mom for his temperament. But now ten years old, you’d never know Isaac was the same kid. By the time he was four or so, he started calming down. Now he’s quiet and respectful, even shy. He’s affectionate with his siblings and loving to his baby sister. He gets along with Jacob…most of the time. He listens to me, though the sparkle in his eye often gives away his true, devious feelings. He’s learned to use his intellect, rather than his body, as an outlet for his contrarian and rebellious nature. Instead of throwing toys, he now throws around big words. He bests us with his logic, a battle I don’t mind losing once in a while. Obviously, I didn’t do everything right with Isaac, and yet here he is, a well-adjusted, successful and kind young man.
Isaac comes to mind when I see other moms I know struggling over the behavior or nature of their two or three or four-year-old child. Moms are understandably eager to finding a parenting style that will mold our kids into the kind of kids who fit in. We understandably want to be perceived as capable and competent. We understandably want to be in control of our homes. And we think that if we could just change X, Y, or Z about ourselves, our kids would suddenly get in line and would realize that the world is a better place when they just behave themselves.
But is that really the way it works?
Don’t get me wrong–I know most parents have room to improve. It’s helpful to find new strategies to put in the parenting toolbox. I’m certainly not suggesting that parents take an “Eh, whatever, this is just the way I am!” approach to parenthood. But I think we have to be true to ourselves in all this, too. You have to have faith in the kind of mother you are at heart. Because I think that’s the mother you need to be.
Sometimes new moms will ask me if I think it’s important for a baby to be on a schedule. To that I always ask “How important is a schedule to you?” To me, that’s the real question. I’m naturally laid-back. A schedule would make me crazy, and I don’t think babies need them. But that doesn’t mean some moms may not need them. I allow my kids to have freedoms that would make other people cringe. Then again, I hold tight to certain standards that other parents don’t put as high a value on. That doesn’t mean I’m right and they’re wrong. It simply means that we have different needs and values.
I know I am constantly trying to improve as a mom, but I try hard to do it within the framework of my personality. I no longer even look at books or websites that seem completely at odds with what I believe in my heart to be true about myself and my children. If I have major philosophical differences with another parent or expert, it doesn’t mean that I don’t respect them, but I’m not going to frustrate myself (or confuse my kids) by trying to make their philosophy fit in my life. After all, improving as a parent isn’t about adopting somebody else’s style. It’s about tweaking your approach while still respecting your own instinctive style.
Your child(ren) will change many times while growing up. And if you have more than one, they’ll all change in drastically different ways. You’ll find that the things that seem so fraught when they’re young are completely forgotten later. There will be times your strategies will work and you’ll have that peaceful trip to Target you were hoping for. But plenty of times it’ll go horribly wrong, no matter how good a parent you are, no matter how deep your toolbox. You have to be true to yourself, because at the end of one of those bad, bad days, what else have you got? And really, what else have your kids got?
Owen is going to be who he is today, tomorrow, and ten years from now. I’m trying to remember that I’m not just parenting him for today, but for ten and twenty and thirty years from today. I can’t change him, but I can encourage him to be the best version of who he is. And I can only really do that if I’m trying to be the best version of who I really am.
I can’t guarantee results: nobody can. But if I’m being the real me, and letting my kids be the real them, it’ll come through loud and clear. And to me, that‘s the proof in the pudding: not a quiet home or well-behaved toddlers, or preschoolers with consistently good table manners or school kids who always speak respectfully, or teenagers who never lash out or young adults who never make mistakes, but a family in which everybody is encouraged to be the best possible version of him or herself. Even Mom.
Scratch that. Especially Mom.
|
|
|
|
|
 |
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:38 am
Great post. There’s no one-size-fits-all anything, and if you try to follow a theory or a book or advice that just doesn’t suit you, it will catch up with you eventually. There are 100 things I could do TODAY that would probably be great for my kids and detrimental to me, and vice versa. It’s all about finding what works for you without totally ruining your kids. And frankly, the better my life is going, the more patience I have with them anyway, so me being a bit self-centered ends up benefiting them in the long-run.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:37 am
There’s so much great stuff in here, Meagan:
“I think we have to be true to ourselves in all this, too. You have to have faith in the kind of mother you are at heart. Because I think that’s the mother you need to be.”
“I no longer even look at books or websites that seem completely at odds with what I believe in my heart to be true about myself and my children.”
“…improving as a parent isn’t about adopting somebody else’s style. It’s about tweaking your approach while still respecting your own instinctive style.”
Lately it seems, I’ve been getting one important message loud and clear, everywhere I turn: The most important thing I can do is follow my heart/gut. When it comes to parenting. When it comes to my career. When it comes to how I prioritize and spend my time and express myself. When we listen to all the societal pressures and expectations, and when we try to do what we think we *should* do, or what others expect us to do, we will only make us and the people around us less content, secure and happy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:42 am
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kristin T. and mommyknows. mommyknows said: Great post! RT @MeaganFrancis: New post: the mom you need to be is the mom your kids need. http://bit.ly/LIWTV [...]
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:47 am
Oh man, if I had Rosalyn first, instead of Vivian….I would have thought I was the WORST mother on earth. She’s always been stubborn, 0-60 in terms of yelling and anger, and highly emotional. Whereas her sister tends to be more even tempered, slightly more rational and just easier. I couldn’t even go for stroller walks with Rosalyn-she’s scream blue murder if she was anywhere BUT bed for naps.
Ros has helped me realize that my parenting doesn’t have as much influence over personality as I’d like to think. And as she grows older, much like yours, things are settling. (Or I’m getting better at pre-empting issues.
)
I’ve told new mom’s the same things-you will know what’s right when the time comes. Because your child-not like mine.
I did LOVE having a scheduale though. Mine are EVIL if hungry and/or tired, so as little ones, we did nothing without naps and food. Now, not so much, but it totally worked for us. I think we had one public fit in 5 years.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:56 am
Great post, as usual, Meagan.
It’s amazing how a few years and a couple of kids can keep you from second-guessing your every decision and let you become more confident in your choices. I’m a member of a private Google group of moms–many of whom are just embarking on motherhood–and it’s amazing to be reminded daily of all of the things I just. don’t. stress. about anymore.
And I’ve got 3 FEWER kids than you.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
My first child, Hannah, is a screamer. I can so relate to that. I moved her into a double bed when she was 18 months and people asked how I kept her in it. For us, though, it was a total non-issue - she woke up and started screaming immediately. She wasn’t sneaking out of bed without my knowledge, she just wasn’t like that.
Anyways, as I move further in my parenting journey I’m getting better at respecting everyone’s needs and personality differences. I don’t take the little things so seriously anymore, and I’m better at rolling with the punches. And that makes me happier. Because while it’s not perfect, at least it’s not my FAULT that it’s not perfect. It’s just life, and I’m enjoying it when I’m not so worried about it all the time.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Whenever I find myself worrying about the kids this is just what I try to remind myself - that the most effective thing I can do is try to be the best version of myself that I can.
It’s not easy though Meagan, the hardest part of parenting I think!
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Meagan you are amazing and I am so mad at myself for not finding your blog sooner than I did. “I know I am constantly trying to improve as a mom, but I try hard to do it within the framework of my personality… After all, improving as a parent isn’t about adopting somebody else’s style. It’s about tweaking your approach while still respecting your own instinctive style.” = YES. Yeeeesssssss.
Your first two paragraphs could have been written about my four-year-old daughter. Not just a scream, Anna SHRIEKS. An ungodly high-pitched sound that could peel the paint off of walls. Her preschool teacher last year came up with such an amazing plan to help her stop and it actually worked. I will never be able to repay that woman. She took Anna’s passion for drawing and turned it into a tool to help her control her frustration and anger. She and Anna came up with a Plan that they wrote together that involved Anna drawing a picture of what made her mad. If she did it without screaming she got a reward sticker. It seems so simple but it worked for Anna. And I spend a lot of time reminding myself that my second child is NOT Anna and Rachel works in a totally different way. And if I am going to keep with these kids I seriously need to take care of myself so I can be on my game.
October 5th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Just wanted to say I love what you write! I’m not a mom yet, but am TTC and scouring the net for information on parenting - and your perspective is one of the most balanced and healthy I’ve seen.
I’m impressed you had your first at 20, too! I wonder if as we age we are not just physically but also mentally less well-prepared for kids? Perhaps that is responsible for some of the excesses of modern parenting? Granted, I’m not starting so early - the typical over-educated late starter - so I’ll be part of the problem, lol. But I appreciate your insights!
October 5th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Great post. My favorite: “After all, improving as a parent isn’t about adopting somebody else’s style.”
October 9th, 2009 at 1:04 am
[...] the mother you need to be – The Happiest Mom Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)No TitleOoops, I forgot my kidMedia Decoder: Harry Potter Theme Park DetailsSave Money This Summer [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
[...] I read something recently on The Happiest Mom blog that summed it up nicely. In her post the mother you need to be Meagan Francis writes, “I no longer even look at books or websites that seem completely at odds [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Roo and Bear came to our home via the foster-adoption process. They are biological brothers, and arrived at our home at 13 months and 1 month old, with a rap sheet of known prenatal issues. People like to call that brave, but really it was just insanely optimisitc. Oh Lord, the screaming. The not eating. The screaming. The not sleeping. The screaming.
Even with all the known issues, the gut-level,overwhelming sense of being a failure as a mother was just crushing.
The last few years have been all about gaining confidence as a mother and a woman in the face of all that. It’s been good for me, but geez. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to learn some of those lessons without all the flippin’ pain?
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Oh Meghan, I so needed to read this-
Your child(ren) will change many times while growing up-
My 4 year old is really struggling in preschool and the school is trying to convince me he is all these labels and I know, just know in my heart he is not. And it is not denial. The school is the wrong fit, or he is going through a phase, or something, but he is not LD, or ADHD, or SPD. But in my darkest moments I fear he will never read, or will truly never be okay, and I needed to know that kids change and grow and this is not IT.
Michael sounds a little bit like your Issac, so maybe he will calm down too.
So thank you.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Megan - I love your blog and this article was just what I needed to read this morning! I appreciate your outlook on how kids are so different and your honesty makes it seem likely that I can succeed as a mom, too.
I have two girls - 4 and almost 3. Some days after I get home from a long day in healthcare, I forget that they just want to be with mom. And, I forget that the older one likes to sit quietly and read where the little one likes to run around and just be plain silly.
I know in my heart what is right/wrong for my kids but often feel that others are judging me when I discipline them. But, I will try to take things one situation at a time and remember that I just need to be “the mother I need to be” at that moment.
It is so awesome to read this blog and responses from real moms. Thanks for your insight. I only hope that I can survive and have the patience when my girls seem to drive me crazy.
I’m sure I’ll look back and realize it wasn’t that big of a deal when my almost 3-year old ran around the wedding reception grabbing one chip at a time from the big bowl.
November 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am
What a facinating blog. I’ve bookmarked it and added your feed to my RSS Reader