A few people commented to my post about the soggy French toast that had they been me, they would have been pretty ticked at my husband. Patti made this comment, which I’m guessing summed up the feelings of quite a few readers:
“I have to admit, reading the story I feel a tinge of anger at your husband for turning you away from your original course of action and then going right ahead and doing the same for himself. It is extremely rational of you to realize that ultimately you made the choices that led to your soggy breakfast. However, in my mind he welshed on a deal of his own making and that comes across as a tad … well, disappointing. Especially since his original argument was based on “wasting money” and that’s exactly what happened.”
You know what? It *was* disappointing. And I don’t think I was wrong at all to be upset, initially.
But our spouses/partners/friends/kids are going to disappoint us over and over, right? And making a decision to dig deep into that disappointment is just counterproductive. Jon made a careless snap decision; he didn’t intend to ruin my breakfast, and there was no way to turn back the clock once the toast had become soup. Staying mad about it longer than about five minutes wasn’t going to change anything, bring me any satisfaction, or put us on track for a good day. So why choose to hold on to the anger or spend more of my time trying to analyze who was more wrong than the other?
Sometimes my husband disappoints me and sometimes I disappoint him. When I’m the one to blame, I’m grateful when he lets it go quickly. My intent isn’t to try to put all the blame for the situation on myself or excuse him, just to point out that often, the amount of anger, disappointment or resentment we feel is disproportionate to the “crime”.
By the way, he apologized later and we had a nice moment. That also may not have happened if I stayed so sulky that I effectively blocked an apology.
I think if you are able to, choosing grace and forgiveness when you’re dealing with disappointments large and small is almost always the fastest path to happiness. And it much more effectively opens up into a discussion about what went wrong and how to fix it next time than seething anger does. I’d rather move past something like this relatively quickly than spend all morning cranky and snappish, trying to extract a forced apology or show my husband how much he ruined my day.
Forgiving and moving on has nothing to do with being a martyr. I believe it makes us happier. And I’d rather be happy than be right.
Have you ever been surprised by how easy it is to forgive once you make the decision to do it?
|
|
|
|
|
 |
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a great reminder. We try to forgive quickly too. Think of the moments you remember…are most of them times when you were happy? Then try to live your life so that you have plenty of happy memories.
Laura’s last blog post..Britax Advocate CS: Riding in Safe Style
Motherhood has taught me how to be quick to forgive. If I hold on to my anger and disappointment now it ruins not only my own day and my husband’s day, but everyone else’s day, too. Or I can get over myself and move on and choose to be happy.
Plus my husband and I have so little time together, especially on our own. Wasting it in some sort of silent war that no one will wins is just not fruitful.
But I would totally have been crying over the french toast all the same. I am WAY too invested in restaurant breakfasts.
Amber’s last blog post..Why I’m Jealous of Americans
Hi – I’m a new reader (linked from Babble) and I want to say that this is something I needed to read this week. I have gone in both directions in situations like that — and when I make the bad choice I always regret is later. This weekend was an instance when I made the bad choice in a situation. I ended up feuding with my husband for longer than needed and yelled at my son out of frustration. His only crime was being in the room at the time I got upset. Talk about guilt…..
I guess I can only hope that next time I make the right choice and then continue to make the right choices, one at a time, until hopefully that choice will become the default one.
“I’d rather be happy than right.”
Yes, me too. And isn’t the whole family happier when Mama is happier?
In our house, YES.
Thank you for your honesty. I find it SO refreshing. So true.