I usually try to stay out of the working vs at-home mom debates, because I’ve been around the internet long enough to know that they never go away, and they usually go nowhere fast. But I’m intrigued by this latest rash of work-at-home vs stay-at-home vs work-out-of-home debates.
In some of the posts and ensuing comments there are statements to the effect of: “Being an at-home mom doesn’t even compare to being a working mom.” “Being a SAHM is way harder than being a working mom.” I’ve even seen some moms say that they’re tired of “whining” from other groups. People seem absolutely certain that whatever lot in life they’ve chosen, the other side has it better and has no right to complain.
As somebody who’s been an at-home mom, a working-out-of-home mom, and now a working-at-home mom, I call baloney on any kind of “which group has it better” contest. Fact is, there are too many different factors at play to make any kind of sweeping generalization about whether WAH, WOH or SAH is “hardest”. Do you like your job? Is the commute reasonable? Do you feel good about your child care situation? Do you have a supportive spouse? Then you might have a pretty sweet WOH life. On the other hand, being in a stressful job you never really wanted, not having enough time for your kids, and hating their daycare is likely to make your life feel much harder. I’ve had WOH situations that were far “easier” than the years I spent as a SAHM. Likewise, I have had months as a WAHM that made me feel stressed and completely detached from my kids.
But to me, the bigger question is: why bother trying to compare at all?
What does it hurt you if somebody else shares that she’s having a hard day or is disenchanted with the difficulties of her situation? It doesn’t invalidate any frustrations you might be having. It doesn’t mean the other mom has won any kind of martyr award.
We all want validation for how hard we’re working and how frustrating this motherhood/life juggling act can be. And talking about the issues we face is an important part of helping make change for future generations of mothers and children. But getting irritated with another group of women daring to vent their frustrations because yours are so much worse is just plain counterproductive. It doesn’t encourage change. It just muddies the water.
Here’s an example of what I’m talking about: my husband currently works out of state 4-5 days a week, every week. That means I’m alone with five kids, while earning a large chunk (about half) of our family’s income via my freelance work, with very little child care (currently a few hours a week bartered with family).
He’s traveled a lot since our oldest was just a baby, and we’ve been in some kind of “commuter marriage” situation for the majority of our marriage. So I admit that sometimes I find it amusing when somebody complains about their spouse being out of town for a night or a weekend.
But what good would it do me to feel angry, annoyed or put out that somebody else is complaining about their life? What right do I have to decide that my situation is “worse”?
Perspective matters a lot. Maybe the other mom’s situation feels harder because she isn’t used to it. Or maybe her kids are in a whiny or clingy stage or experience anxiety when Daddy leaves (mine don’t do this; they’re pretty used to it). Maybe she has a lower tolerance for mess and chaos than I do. There are many reasons why another mom might feel more dissatisfied with her spouse’s occasional weekend absence than I do about my situation. Whatever the reason, what good would it do me to try to one-up her frustrations or complaints by telling her how much worse I’ve got it? When you try to play the “who’s worse off” game, everybody loses.
The point here is that there’s no way to be happy when you’re focused on what’s wrong with your own life that other people expressing frustration over theirs actually makes you feel angry or competitive. We’ve all got struggles. We’ve all got frustrations. And we all make choices.
Now, before you get your hackles up, understand that I’m not talking about the to-work-or-not-to-work choice. I realize that many people can’t afford not to WOH (or can’t afford to WOH—can you imagine what child care for five kids would cost me?) Not everyone can choose their work situation today, tomorrow or next month. I fully understand that our current culture makes it nearly impossible for many women to really have a tenable work/family balance. I get it. I’ve been there.
But yes, we have choices—all of us.
If you’re unhappy with your job or child care situation, you can choose to take steps toward eventually finding a better one.
If you are well and truly stuck for now, you can choose to see that the situation is temporary. One day you will have more experience. One day your children will be older. One day your hard work and saving will pay off and you’ll be able to pay off some debt and get in a better position.
If you believe that your situation stinks in part because of societal or governmental issues, you can work to help change those issues. Maybe you won’t succeed in making changes today or tomorrow or this year, but at least you’ll feel like you’re helping to make progress.
And if you are so stuck in your current circumstance that you can’t see them ever changing, you can choose to look at your life with a healthy dose of perspective. I’m reminded of a story I heard on NPR last month about an Iraqi woman who was forced to flee the country to save her life—and didn’t see her young sons for two years.
Somebody always has it worse. Somebody always has it better. Why worry about who’s on top and who’s on bottom? It’s a waste of time and energy.
All you have is the life you have. The question is this: will you work to make it something you can be happy with?
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I think there’s this idea that being happy with something means you’re settling. Or it means that you’ve given up a fight to make things better than they may be. Or to get yourself to a place where you have more choices. Better choices.
But while being happy in your situation, as sucky as it may be, can offer insight and understanding.
And I think it’s something fantastic to model for your kids. If anything else.
Motherhood Uncensored’s last blog post..Own your choice
You are so right. The thing I always hated most about mom gatherings was the one-up conversations. That is why usually when I’m in attendance, I’m just listening. That’s what those mothers, most mothers, need- someone to listen with an empathetic ear. That’s not to say I don’t complain. I do and often, but that’s what my blog is about. Even if nobody is listening, I’ve at least gotten it out and I can move on. I think that dwelling in your own pity party only results in sinking lower and lower. I know, I do it all the time. However, it’s the day that I decide to set whatever negative I’m focused on aside and move on, that I feel renewed. It’s even better when I decide to try to do something about it, to change it.
Thanks for adding this positivity onto the ongoing debate.
-Abby
@sweetbabboo’s last blog post..Constructing a Crisis
thank you for writing this. i have been meaning to tell you how much i like what you’re saying here. thank you…again!
Laura’s last blog post..The Earth Friends
Very well said, Meagan! This is a big bugaboo of mine. I’ve said before (and blogged about) how I believe the so-called Mommy Wars are whipped up by a media dying for a Trend with a capital T to cover. It’s an easy story to glom onto. In my opinion, the media and society in general would do better to uncover the reasons there’s so much divisiveness among women who work versus women who stay home, women who can afford this or that versus those who can’t, and all the other divisions. We live in a society that pays great lip service to the American family, but does precious little to support that family, with things like a generous paid leave policy for working families, access to quality affordable childcare, schools that act as community resources for families, and my biggie: healthcare for everyone. We are all so stressed that we end up taking it out on each other, when we perceive, rightly or wrongly, that the mom down the block has it better.
Denise’s last blog post..What’s In Your Toybox?
i think a lot of the arguing posturing and one up-manship going on has to do with people trying to justify their choices to themselves. I think that because we as women have the opportunity to have so many rolls available to us, we tend to second guess ourselves and instead of looking inward for answers, some project outward. Also the whole martyrdom thing kicks in as though difficulty is a gauge of how right our decision was.
any way you slice it, it’s polarizing and exhausting.
fidget’s last blog post..Why I don’t do camping
Great points, Meagan…it’s all so individual that one person’s “perfect” might be another person’s “hell on earth.”
You hit the nail on the head with this paragraph: “What does it hurt you if somebody else shares that she’s having a hard day or is disenchanted with the difficulties of her situation? It doesn’t invalidate any frustrations you might be having. It doesn’t mean the other mom has won any kind of martyr award.”
It makes me crazy when women start playing the comparison game, although I am not immune. Instead of looking outward to hear a complaint for what it is and acting as an agent of support, we look inward, trying to see how her comment reflects on us. It’s a rather selfish position.
I am where I am. You are where you are. We both work hard and some days are better than others. Can we move along now? (probably not…this argument is interminable).
ultimately this filters down to the kids… who in my opinion should live under the mostly sunny skies of a mom knowing in the core of her soul and the in the moment , on the floor together time, that the connection and love is the calling of all the work in and out and around them.
oops..
deb’s last blog post..GETTING WHAT YOU NEED
It isn’t just the WOHM v. SAHM debate. It’s EVERYTHING about being a mom that ends up in competition over, sadly, who has it the worst. I sometimes think that moms resort to this argument because they simply can’t believe how hard being a mom can truly be. They think everyone else MUST have it easier.
Everyone wants validation. Everyone wants someone else to say, “Wow, you put up with all of that. You’re amazing! You’re Superwoman!” when the reality is that we are. We are all Superwomen. Women are much stronger and capable than we are generally given credit for, and we endure an awful lot because we love our kids are we are committed to doing the mom thing. Yes. All of us. Every kind of mom there is (even the celebrity with the nanny) has to wake up in the middle of the night and clean up puke and take the baby to the Urgent Care Center and fret over the right dosage of tylenol or whatever. All of us!
Erin –It’s Your Movie–’s last blog post..off to fetch my umbrella
You know, I can’t help but think that a big part of the Mommy Wars comes down to the fact that so many women are unhappy with their choices, particularly the most vocal ones. I think that there were many people we both knew online (possibly including even myself at some times) who were very loud and passionate – even obnoxious – about the side they were taking in the dreaded mommy wars, and I suspect that a lot of that was in a perhaps subconscious attempt to convince *themselves* that they were doing the right thing. The fact of the matter is that motherhood and the juggling act it entails, and all the ways it changes our identities as women, is very intense and I think many of us wish it were easier to get it all to work. Interestingly, I’ve known some women who were very militant SAHMs who have now found their way into work they find more fulfilling and recognize that they were really depressed back then, and I’ve known some equally militant WOHMs who look back now and feel sad about some of the milestones they missed. That is not to say that one choice is better than another and certainly not all women in either camp feel that way. But I do think that the ones who are the most vocal and militant in the Mommy Wars are probably also the ones who are most unhappy.
Well said! I wish women didn’t feel the need to justify their choices by playing that game. I know that women are judged no matter what choices they make and that frequently puts them in defensive mode, sparring with one another over who has it hardest. It’s sad that so many women are so unhappy.
Stephanie’s last blog post..Frugal Cooking- Graham Cracker Pie
Hear hear, Meagan! You really have the right perspective here. If you only concentrate on how hard you have it, you’ll never be happy. Very well put!
Absolutely agreed. I’ve done it all as well – active duty military mom, stay at home with 3 kids under 4 mom, full time student AND working single mom, stay at home mom with 2 in school at 2 at home mom, full time student and WAH mom… you name it. Every one of these scenarios has great joys and challenges and none of them are easy in the slightest. Time for moms to stop looking into other pastures for weeds and start blooming where planted.