I’ve spent the better part of the last two weeks moving: packing, cleaning, unpacking, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning. As moving around the needs and constant activity of a passel of kids isn’t exactly easy, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to be annoyed and frustrated with a) my children b) myself, for having all these children c) my husband, for providing the rest of the genetic material required to have children; and d) packing tape (why does it have to be so STICKY?)
So I really identified with Gretchen Rubin’s recent post at The Happiness Project on the difference between frustration/annoyance and actual unhappiness was. From her post:
Raising children, starting a blog, going to the gym, traveling in a foreign country…these are some things that bring me a huge amount of happiness, but also a lot of frustration, anxiety, boredom, fear, etc. But although I have bad feelings, I don’t think that’s quite the same thing as feeling unhappy….
and later…
The trick, I guess, is to figure out where bad feelings will turn to the good, and where they won’t – i.e., where they’re a necessary accompaniment to an activity that makes you happy, or when they’re a sign that you need to think about making some changes. Read the rest of her post here.
I couldn’t agree with her more. Of course, when you’ve already got the kids, it’s a little late to start wondering if they’re a hindrance to your happiness. But I think that’s where a lot of moms get tripped up. We think it’s motherhood making us unhappy, when in reality, it’s some of the incidental stuff that goes along with motherhood: The towels wadded up on the floor. The battle of getting your preschooler to wear matching clothes. The dumb fights you have with your spouse over whose turn it is to do the dishes. The boring playgroups. Those things may be realities, but don’t define my life as a mother, any more than a bad edit defines my life as a writer, or a weaker episode of House defines Hugh Laurie’s career (okay, I’ve been a bit obsessed lately…)
And some of those realities aren’t even unavoidable. Towels on the floor? Fights with spouse? Boring playgroups? Battles with preschooler? Sure, motherhood might dish out a certain inevitable dosage of all of these, but if your life is plagued by them, you can surely make changes that lessen the pain. Rubin’s example is her annoyance at not having enough socks: why suffer from inadequate sock supply when there is a ready answer (buy more socks)? In the same vein, why continue to fight with your preschooler over things that don’t really matter? Why engage in the same un-winnable fight with your spouse over and over? Why continue to attend a social function that does nothing for you? Why not come up with a bathroom system that eliminates wadded up towels on the floor and teach your kids to use it?
We can’t change it all. Some of the little annoyances we can learn to live with; some we MUST learn to live with. But not all. Maybe one of the secrets to happier motherhood is learning to tell the difference, then changing what we can.
What are some small things you have changed or could change that would make you a happier mom?
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Picking battles can definitely lead to a happier existence. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of certain things, but I try to tell myself that it won’t be happening when they’re in college – or even a year from now.
Motherhood Uncensored’s last blog post..Go Go Gadget Nipples
Meagan,
Thanks for the food for thought on this gloomy Carlsbad Day filled with mediating battles between preschoolers. Need time to think about the things that I can change.
Bridget Smith’s last blog post..Family Adventure Tip Tuesday: Lego Star Wars Weekend
if you can imagine , i am very sensitive to noise.. and I have 5 very loud kids and and the entourage of teen friends, and music and the magic bullet for smoothies and endless soccer games, and , well you get the picture. I realized early on that this was something I would have to deal with. I retreat to my back porch when weather permits for a quick quiet coffee , take the dog for a walk when I feel my temples throbbing, and sometimes I join in. Put on a CD and get in the moment. When hormones are added to the mix.. it can be challenging but I wouldn’t want the joyful noise to end and they’ve learned to take it to the basement when I give them the too much grief.
I agree that good systems = a happier mom. Handing off chores to older kids (packing lunches, matching socks, unloading the dishwasher) helps tremendously. Less boring, time-consuming stuff for mom to do. And kids come to understand what it takes to keep a household running. So I recommend that and lots of those 3M hooks. You can never have too many on the back of a kid’s bedroom door.
Debra Moffitt’s last blog post..What Girls Wish Moms Knew (Tip #6)
After a couple of clothing battles, my kids now choose their own clothes. As long as their attire is mostly appropriate for the weather, I’m OK with what they wear. This has resulted in jack’o'lantern T-shirts worn in April, shorts worn over pants in January, children who know how to put together all the pieces of an outfit themselves and a happy, relaxed mama.