on motherhood and happiness
Whenever I bring up the topic of being a happy mom, I can expect at least a few people to react with disbelief, or with the Internet equivalent of rolling their eyes.
I know, I know. In the past few years we’ve all become much more open about the darker side of motherhood. We write about how angry our children make us, how we sometimes wonder if we should have had them. How our husbands let us down, how hard society makes it to be a mom today, how much we want to break free of the traditional trappings of motherhood and forge our own identities.
And all that’s great. That kind of honesty was a long time coming and I firmly believe we need to talk about the harder stuff and be open about the struggles.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t use the words “happy” and “mother” in the same sentence, does it?
After all, happiness has been a hot topic lately. Multiple titles on happiness (how to be more happy, why certain people are happy and others aren’t, what happiness really is, what traits happy people share) crowd bookstore shelves, while newspapers and magazines from O, The Oprah Magazine to The New York Times explore the psychology of happiness in multiple articles. It’s pretty clear that our culture is looking for something a little deeper than success and stuff. And overall, I think that’s a good thing.
But writing and advice aimed at and about mothers tends to take on a much more negative tone: preventing depression, preserving sanity, reducing guilt…we rarely seem to acknowledge that moms are capable of much more than “survival”. Sure, some days, sanity and survival are the best we can do. But overall, I believe we deserve more.
Let’s be clear, here: I’m not talking about constant bliss. I’m not suggesting we should all be walking around with huge, delirious grins on our faces due to the sheer awesomeness of changing diapers and dealing with permission slips.
I’m also not suggesting that motherhood makes people happy. Certainly some people are happier as mothers than they were before they had children. But my point is that most of us should be capable of being at least as happy as we were before we had kids. Because we are the same people, and children–while messy and exhausting and exasperating and a heck of a lot of work–don’t change who we are. It just takes some adjustment to be able to access (or recognize) that happiness in the midst of the chaos children can produce.
But it’s okay to admit that you are (or want to be) happy. Even a happy mom. It doesn’t mean you’re delusional. It doesn’t mean you are sugar-coating the hard stuff or painting an overly-rosy picture of parenthood. It just means you say “Hey, some of this really sucks, but I’m happy anyway. Maybe even happier than I was before I had kids.”
I want to hear what you think: has motherhood made you less or more happy than you were before? Do you think we spend too much time talking about the dark side of motherhood, or are we still looking at it through a soft-focus lens? If there’s a middle ground, how does it look? And what are your own personal rules for happy motherhood?
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May 2nd, 2009 at 7:13 am
I am often be seen walking around with a “huge delirious grin on my face,” and have received more than a few complaints from other mothers, like, “All those kids and you’re still smiling!?!?”
Little do they know, I’m just gosh-darned happy to be alive…period.
My mantra? If I wake up, to fine all my limbs and hair attached, it’s a good day.
Thank you for the reminder.
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:14 am
P.S. Bad spelling means must drink more coffee…slept in late, this morning…can you teel?
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:23 am
Sure, I get tired, frustrated and confused, but I was all of those sometimes without kids.
I have fun with motherhood, and all of the challenges are worth it,for the pleasure of knowing these two little creatures.
Motherhood definitely contributes to my happiness. It has helped me to understand and accept myself more, so I am probably happier, more content, and more at ease than I ever was before they arrived.
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:24 am
I totally agree! It is almost as if you aren’t supposed to be happy as a mom any more! We’ve gone in the complete opposite direction. I AM happy as a mom and yeah, sure, it sucks sometimes and I am absolutely fine with people being honest about the struggles and negative aspects, but I do think that it should be acceptable to be happy also.
May 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 am
Meagan,
Great post. Motherhood is the most important job I’ve ever done. If I’d been unhappy as a mother when my children were growing up, to me that would have meant I didn’t do the job too well.
I loved being a mom. I loved being in charge of two people who counted on me. I loved that they trusted me in good times and bad. Yes, I complained with my friends over the kids’ behavior when they were out of line or being their PITA selves. But I bet they had a lot to complain about on their end as well.
I enjoyed my time with them then, and I enjoy my time with them now. So, yes, let’s dish on what makes us HAPPY as parents, for a change.
Thanks for getting us started.
Jackie
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Strongly agree.
Do you know how long I wanted to be a mother?
Sure, my kids drive me nuts and it is fun to complain and roll my eyes but those crazy little people bring me joy every single day.
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
I love to tell the crazy stories, mostly for comic relief. I tell the sweet ones too.
I love my kids, I love staying home, I love telling their stories good and bad.
I’m always fascinated when people say, “motherhood is so hard, no one told me”. Didn’t they have mothers? Grandmothers? Was life always perfect when they were kids? Mine wasn’t! I knew what coming, and I think my mother even wished it on me a few times!
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Loved this post. So many good points.
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
so ‘good’ to hear! i try to focus more on the good points of parenting mostly b/c i assume we all know the hard parts & need reminding that there are plenty of good ones…though i suppose both are important, since you can start to feel like a freak either way when all you hear is one side…
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Great post. I love being a mom. And I specifically love being a WORKING MOM. And I just wrote a post about how sick I am of people trying to make me feel bad for that.
Yes it is hard and sometimes it is really, really hard but it is also really, really great.
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Hmmm. I don’t think I agree. I think that in the “real” world, everyone around me seems blissfully happy (ok, there’s one friend who isn’t, but everyone else). I think the unhappiness may be magnified online in part because those of us who aren’t always blissfully happy need a more anonymous place to connect. It’s still not ok to complain about being a mom unless you’re on a sitcom.
I think motherhood is like anything else… broccoli, math, travel, social settings. Some people just take to it easier than others. So I think that if you’re feeling happy and fulfilled, go ahead and shout it. But don’t be surprised if some of us give you dirty looks. It’s not personal. =}
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
My mom was very unhappy, and I used to think it was her fault. But as a grown-up and a mom myself, I can see it had nothing to do with us. Well, maybe we exacerbated it a bit…
I am only happy as a mom. I feel that I found myself once I had little ones to take care of. I know that is very un-PC, but there it is. And that doesn’t mean that I spend every single minute serving my children! But their love is delightful; and as far as the chaos and stress go, that all makes the moments alone to myself all that more delightful.
May 3rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Christy, I think it would be just plain weird if anyone were blissfully happy all the time. I think what I’m talking about is more like being content/satisfied with your life overall–and if you have kids, it follows that that includes your life as a parent. There are certain aspects of parenthood I’m not thrilled about–and I’ve never felt like I can’t complain about them, either in real life or online, to be honest. But I do feel like people think I’m pulling their leg if I admit to being a basically happy person and happy mom. Like that makes me either a) deranged or b) not very smart or ambitious. Neither of which is true. I hope.
mommyknows, I had the same experience! I couldn’t know the details before having kids, but I had no doubt that motherhood would be hard. I guess I have my mom to thank for that; she was always very real, but I never got the feeling that I was a burden to her, or that she wasn’t happy as a mom. Just that I could be a pain at times
May 4th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Great post! I think my life was more shallow before I had children. That makes me happy. My children, real people that they are, are delightful.
May 4th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
part of the reason i blog is to remind myself that funny and sweet things happen and those are the things that make life enjoyable. that’s why we get into this gig in the first place. thanks for the reminder…