Comments on: Can this Scrooge be saved? http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939 Happy. Mother. You really can use both words in the same sentence. Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:58:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Heather http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-3179 Heather Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:16:05 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-3179 Just discovered your blog so this entry is 2 months overdue. For the first 9 years of my now 19 year marriage, I dreaded Christmas because we were broke. My husband left the USN and went to college full-time Two years later, I left the USN and went to college. After I graduated, our son was born and we bought a fixer upper house. College loans came due and we decided I would stay home to raise the man child. We had two competing family factions vying for our holiday time and it was horrible because of this overwhelming sense of entitlement both grandmothers felt they had over our son and our time... I only started to enjoy Christmas when I took the holiday for what it is intended, a Christian holiday. Jesus wasn't born into the world for my family to go broke. He wasn't born into the world for me to pander and entertain my dysfunctional extended family. The jolly fat guy selling Coke has only one purpose, to sell soda. Deer can't fly higher than maybe 6 feet and there is no magic sleigh, elves, or Santa's workshop. To make things better, DH and I decided what our intentions were for Christmas. We attend our Church services and we eat our Christmas dinner together with our children. We visit family after Christmas and limit the time with them because quite frankly, my family is a nuisance and they reside 400 miles away. We don't go crazy with the gift giving either. I hand make many gifts and purchase gifts early, by mid Summer. You have to do the best with what you have with regards to gifts. We decorate minimally. Each child now has a small artificial tree. Our Christmas meal is fairly basic. I pre-cook as much food as I can and we warm up a small honey ham. I say these things ultimately to convey one thought. For the holidays, your sister needs to do what is pleasing for herself and her children, <b>without guilt or excuses</b>. I wish your family well and it is my sincere hope that your sister can tackle her feelings head on and begin to enjoy the Holidays. Blessings,hc Just discovered your blog so this entry is 2 months overdue.

For the first 9 years of my now 19 year marriage, I dreaded Christmas because we were broke. My husband left the USN and went to college full-time Two years later, I left the USN and went to college. After I graduated, our son was born and we bought a fixer upper house. College loans came due and we decided I would stay home to raise the man child. We had two competing family factions vying for our holiday time and it was horrible because of this overwhelming sense of entitlement both grandmothers felt they had over our son and our time…

I only started to enjoy Christmas when I took the holiday for what it is intended, a Christian holiday. Jesus wasn’t born into the world for my family to go broke. He wasn’t born into the world for me to pander and entertain my dysfunctional extended family. The jolly fat guy selling Coke has only one purpose, to sell soda. Deer can’t fly higher than maybe 6 feet and there is no magic sleigh, elves, or Santa’s workshop.

To make things better, DH and I decided what our intentions were for Christmas. We attend our Church services and we eat our Christmas dinner together with our children. We visit family after Christmas and limit the time with them because quite frankly, my family is a nuisance and they reside 400 miles away.

We don’t go crazy with the gift giving either. I hand make many gifts and purchase gifts early, by mid Summer. You have to do the best with what you have with regards to gifts.

We decorate minimally. Each child now has a small artificial tree. Our Christmas meal is fairly basic. I pre-cook as much food as I can and we warm up a small honey ham.

I say these things ultimately to convey one thought. For the holidays, your sister needs to do what is pleasing for herself and her children, without guilt or excuses.

I wish your family well and it is my sincere hope that your sister can tackle her feelings head on and begin to enjoy the Holidays. Blessings,hc

]]> By: Aunt Kay http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2648 Aunt Kay Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:16:01 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2648 Oh my dear sweet niece, I had no idea of the sadness and stress you've felt at Christmas and my heart breaks for you. I remember so fondly all the Christmases we spent at your parent's homes in Munising and Sault Ste Marie. When I reminisce on it now I get warm, joyful feelings inside. It's not the traditional Christmas things that I think about though, it's the family being together, it's the long car rides (most of them in snow storms), it was listening to Gram's stories along the way and how anxious she was to get there, it was the little quirky things that happened, it was playing cards and scrabble to all hours of the night. It was just about having fun and forgetting all of our troubles for one whole day. It was the laughter! That was the best of all. Focus on the peaceful, loving holidays you've experienced, and try to remember what it was that gave you good feelings. Unfortunately our society has dictated to us on how we should celebrate Christmas. Most of us seem to think that we have to have all the lights, tinsel, cookies, presents etc, etc., in order to celebrate, after all we grew up that way. We grew up with the way it "should be", our parents told us that, we saw it in commercials, TV programs and movies, we've essentially been programed since birth on how it "should be" and when we can't fulfill these traditions we feel guilty and stressed. Kathreen, do the things that make you feel happy and peaceful with your children at Christmas, and that does not have to be, shop till you drop, baking cookies or stringing popcorn, it's whatever makes YOU happy. For me the best part about Christmas is that most people are happy, even the ones that are usually grumpy will look a little happier. It's saying "Merry Christmas" to strangers and getting a smile and a "Merry Christmas" back. It's doing things for people that maybe you wouldn't have thought about doing before, it's about all the little Christmas miracles that seem to happen everywhere, it's being with your family and friends, it's the music, and of course it's about eating. LOL Yes, I enjoy the decorating and baking, but only if it's not stressing me out. It must be enjoyable or it's pointless. But that's me, that was your Mom, that doesn't have to be you. Start a new tradition for yourself and your family. Do something that's a "fit" for you, because once you feel peaceful and happy it will trickle down to your children and they too will feel peace and happiness. I love you, and you know my door is always open to you and the children. Oh my dear sweet niece, I had no idea of the sadness and stress you’ve felt at Christmas and my heart breaks for you.
I remember so fondly all the Christmases we spent at your parent’s homes in Munising and Sault Ste Marie. When I reminisce on it now I get warm, joyful feelings inside. It’s not the traditional Christmas things that I think about though, it’s the family being together, it’s the long car rides (most of them in snow storms), it was listening to Gram’s stories along the way and how anxious she was to get there, it was the little quirky things that happened, it was playing cards and scrabble to all hours of the night. It was just about having fun and forgetting all of our troubles for one whole day. It was the laughter! That was the best of all.
Focus on the peaceful, loving holidays you’ve experienced, and try to remember what it was that gave you good feelings.
Unfortunately our society has dictated to us on how we should celebrate Christmas. Most of us seem to think that we have to have all the lights, tinsel, cookies, presents etc, etc., in order to celebrate, after all we grew up that way. We grew up with the way it “should be”, our parents told us that, we saw it in commercials, TV programs and movies, we’ve essentially been programed since birth on how it “should be” and when we can’t fulfill these traditions we feel guilty and stressed.
Kathreen, do the things that make you feel happy and peaceful with your children at Christmas, and that does not have to be, shop till you drop, baking cookies or stringing popcorn, it’s whatever makes YOU happy. For me the best part about Christmas is that most people are happy, even the ones that are usually grumpy will look a little happier. It’s saying “Merry Christmas” to strangers and getting a smile and a “Merry Christmas” back. It’s doing things for people that maybe you wouldn’t have thought about doing before, it’s about all the little Christmas miracles that seem to happen everywhere, it’s being with your family and friends, it’s the music, and of course it’s about eating. LOL Yes, I enjoy the decorating and baking, but only if it’s not stressing me out. It must be enjoyable or it’s pointless. But that’s me, that was your Mom, that doesn’t have to be you.
Start a new tradition for yourself and your family. Do something that’s a “fit” for you, because once you feel peaceful and happy it will trickle down to your children and they too will feel peace and happiness.
I love you, and you know my door is always open to you and the children.

]]> By: Aunt Kay http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2649 Aunt Kay Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:16:01 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2649 Oh my dear sweet niece, I had no idea of the sadness and stress you've felt at Christmas and my heart breaks for you. I remember so fondly all the Christmases we spent at your parent's homes in Munising and Sault Ste Marie. When I reminisce on it now I get warm, joyful feelings inside. It's not the traditional Christmas things that I think about though, it's the family being together, it's the long car rides (most of them in snow storms), it was listening to Gram's stories along the way and how anxious she was to get there, it was the little quirky things that happened, it was playing cards and scrabble to all hours of the night. It was just about having fun and forgetting all of our troubles for one whole day. It was the laughter! That was the best of all. Focus on the peaceful, loving holidays you've experienced, and try to remember what it was that gave you good feelings. Unfortunately our society has dictated to us on how we should celebrate Christmas. Most of us seem to think that we have to have all the lights, tinsel, cookies, presents etc, etc., in order to celebrate, after all we grew up that way. We grew up with the way it "should be", our parents told us that, we saw it in commercials, TV programs and movies, we've essentially been programed since birth on how it "should be" and when we can't fulfill these traditions we feel guilty and stressed. Kathreen, do the things that make you feel happy and peaceful with your children at Christmas, and that does not have to be, shop till you drop, baking cookies or stringing popcorn, it's whatever makes YOU happy. For me the best part about Christmas is that most people are happy, even the ones that are usually grumpy will look a little happier. It's saying "Merry Christmas" to strangers and getting a smile and a "Merry Christmas" back. It's doing things for people that maybe you wouldn't have thought about doing before, it's about all the little Christmas miracles that seem to happen everywhere, it's being with your family and friends, it's the music, and of course it's about eating. LOL Yes, I enjoy the decorating and baking, but only if it's not stressing me out. It must be enjoyable or it's pointless. But that's me, that was your Mom, that doesn't have to be you. Start a new tradition for yourself and your family. Do something that's a "fit" for you, because once you feel peaceful and happy it will trickle down to your children and they too will feel peace and happiness. I love you, and you know my door is always open to you and the children. Oh my dear sweet niece, I had no idea of the sadness and stress you’ve felt at Christmas and my heart breaks for you.
I remember so fondly all the Christmases we spent at your parent’s homes in Munising and Sault Ste Marie. When I reminisce on it now I get warm, joyful feelings inside. It’s not the traditional Christmas things that I think about though, it’s the family being together, it’s the long car rides (most of them in snow storms), it was listening to Gram’s stories along the way and how anxious she was to get there, it was the little quirky things that happened, it was playing cards and scrabble to all hours of the night. It was just about having fun and forgetting all of our troubles for one whole day. It was the laughter! That was the best of all.
Focus on the peaceful, loving holidays you’ve experienced, and try to remember what it was that gave you good feelings.
Unfortunately our society has dictated to us on how we should celebrate Christmas. Most of us seem to think that we have to have all the lights, tinsel, cookies, presents etc, etc., in order to celebrate, after all we grew up that way. We grew up with the way it “should be”, our parents told us that, we saw it in commercials, TV programs and movies, we’ve essentially been programed since birth on how it “should be” and when we can’t fulfill these traditions we feel guilty and stressed.
Kathreen, do the things that make you feel happy and peaceful with your children at Christmas, and that does not have to be, shop till you drop, baking cookies or stringing popcorn, it’s whatever makes YOU happy. For me the best part about Christmas is that most people are happy, even the ones that are usually grumpy will look a little happier. It’s saying “Merry Christmas” to strangers and getting a smile and a “Merry Christmas” back. It’s doing things for people that maybe you wouldn’t have thought about doing before, it’s about all the little Christmas miracles that seem to happen everywhere, it’s being with your family and friends, it’s the music, and of course it’s about eating. LOL Yes, I enjoy the decorating and baking, but only if it’s not stressing me out. It must be enjoyable or it’s pointless. But that’s me, that was your Mom, that doesn’t have to be you.
Start a new tradition for yourself and your family. Do something that’s a “fit” for you, because once you feel peaceful and happy it will trickle down to your children and they too will feel peace and happiness.
I love you, and you know my door is always open to you and the children.

]]> By: Danielle http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2647 Danielle Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:15:30 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2647 My parents divorced when I was 8; and I've been through the trauma of a broke mother, icky new stepmother, bitter father, etc, etc. I really sympathize with your sister! I too hated Christmas for awhile because I was so envious of what everyone else "seemed" to have! And of course they always had what I wanted! Here is my two cents. Give herself permission to NOT feel happy at the holidays. Ask her children what Christmas really means for them. What exactly do they want to do to celebrate, not what they want as gifts. Perhaps there are one or two things that would make them truly feel like it's Christmas. Sleigh ride, tree decorating, cookie baking, Santa visit, trip to see the lights, sledding? Fake it for just those events, really play it up (c'mon it's an hour at most), then let the rest of the season go. No music, no movies, pretend that life has fast forwarded to January. My parents divorced when I was 8; and I’ve been through the trauma of a broke mother, icky new stepmother, bitter father, etc, etc. I really sympathize with your sister! I too hated Christmas for awhile because I was so envious of what everyone else “seemed” to have! And of course they always had what I wanted!

Here is my two cents. Give herself permission to NOT feel happy at the holidays. Ask her children what Christmas really means for them. What exactly do they want to do to celebrate, not what they want as gifts. Perhaps there are one or two things that would make them truly feel like it’s Christmas. Sleigh ride, tree decorating, cookie baking, Santa visit, trip to see the lights, sledding? Fake it for just those events, really play it up (c’mon it’s an hour at most), then let the rest of the season go. No music, no movies, pretend that life has fast forwarded to January.

]]> By: Cindy La Ferle http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2645 Cindy La Ferle Sun, 20 Dec 2009 17:18:06 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2645 God bless your sister. I share her holiday angst and dread, but for different reasons. I had a happy childhood -- very happy. But for me, the holidays are burdened now by a deep sense of grief and loss. Early on, I lost most of the key people who made my holidays happy. Today I am going through caring for a mother with dementia while trying to make the holidays happy for my husband and son. The pressures never seem to end, even though I have tried to simplify as much as I can. I have started to make peace with CHristmas, but it's not easy. I've expressed all this a bit better in the Christmas post I wrote, "The Grinch's Notebook," which might provide comfort to those suffering grief and loss at holiday time. God bless your sister. I share her holiday angst and dread, but for different reasons. I had a happy childhood — very happy. But for me, the holidays are burdened now by a deep sense of grief and loss. Early on, I lost most of the key people who made my holidays happy.

Today I am going through caring for a mother with dementia while trying to make the holidays happy for my husband and son. The pressures never seem to end, even though I have tried to simplify as much as I can. I have started to make peace with CHristmas, but it’s not easy. I’ve expressed all this a bit better in the Christmas post I wrote, “The Grinch’s Notebook,” which might provide comfort to those suffering grief and loss at holiday time.

]]> By: Seasonally Affected Mama « mamaTRUE: parenting as practice http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2643 Seasonally Affected Mama « mamaTRUE: parenting as practice Sun, 20 Dec 2009 02:40:02 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2643 [...] out of control and insecure at a time the world is telling me to celebrate. Last night, I read Can This Scrooge Be Saved? on The Happiest Mom’s blog. I am also a scrooge that needs saving but it’s not just [...] [...] out of control and insecure at a time the world is telling me to celebrate. Last night, I read Can This Scrooge Be Saved? on The Happiest Mom’s blog. I am also a scrooge that needs saving but it’s not just [...]

]]> By: mamaTRUE http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2642 mamaTRUE Sun, 20 Dec 2009 01:33:07 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2642 I have been thinking about the holiday spirit a lot lately and I feel so much like your sister does. Beginning the week before Thanksgiving, I just experience this sadness accompanied by a pressure to be festive. So I'm trying to overcome some post holiday stress syndrome myself. Thanks to everyone for the ideas. I'll be trying some of them too. I have been thinking about the holiday spirit a lot lately and I feel so much like your sister does. Beginning the week before Thanksgiving, I just experience this sadness accompanied by a pressure to be festive. So I’m trying to overcome some post holiday stress syndrome myself. Thanks to everyone for the ideas. I’ll be trying some of them too.

]]> By: LivinMyBestLife http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2639 LivinMyBestLife Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:31:43 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2639 There is a lot of pressure surrounding this time of year to be particularly happy. I say start by easing up on yourself, try to see this time of year for what it is -just another time of year that has a particular set of circumstances (its cold, there are holidays, there are a few extra days off work, etc).Don't keep telling yourself that if you're not jumping up and down with joy you're a failure. It's perfectly fine to not be excited about a holiday. And I totally agree with the others, do something you love to do:cuddle up with the kids for movie night/afternoon; go sledding; make yourself your favorite meal with the best ingredients; take care of a task or want-to-do item you've been putting off. That last one may sound counter intuitive but it will help you feel good about yourself, which is part of the issue here. Good luck....and happy new year, KM There is a lot of pressure surrounding this time of year to be particularly happy. I say start by easing up on yourself, try to see this time of year for what it is -just another time of year that has a particular set of circumstances (its cold, there are holidays, there are a few extra days off work, etc).Don’t keep telling yourself that if you’re not jumping up and down with joy you’re a failure. It’s perfectly fine to not be excited about a holiday. And I totally agree with the others, do something you love to do:cuddle up with the kids for movie night/afternoon; go sledding; make yourself your favorite meal with the best ingredients; take care of a task or want-to-do item you’ve been putting off. That last one may sound counter intuitive but it will help you feel good about yourself, which is part of the issue here.

Good luck….and happy new year,
KM

]]> By: Meagan Francis http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2638 Meagan Francis Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:44:18 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2638 You have all shared some very wise advice! In particular the suggestions to create a new, completely different tradition is along the lines of what I advised: "why not just scrap Christmas and go somewhere warm?" I think it would be more realistic if her budget wasn't so tight, but it's definitely something to put on the "plan for" list for years to come. As for this year, she's going to come to our house for Christmas Day so we can make dinner together over a couple glasses of wine--much more fun and less stress for both of us. JLSR, thank you in particular for this little nugget of wisdom: "It’s NOT the most wonderful time of the year! There are other times of the year that I enjoy much more. But it is a good time of the year and it can be happy." You're right--you don't have to buy into the whole hoopla to be generally peaceful and content this time of year. I think you just need to figure out a way to opt out on some level. My sister's kids are 18, 15, 13, and 4, so she'll be doing the holiday with kids for some time to come. I know she's reading this advice and taking it to heart. Oh, and Carolyn--I think we need to figure out a way to get our families together at Christmas-time, or at least thereabouts! I'm with you on scaling back the gifts-particularly with extended family get-togethers. Besides, who can buy gifts for everyone with the kind of baby boom you guys just had? You have all shared some very wise advice! In particular the suggestions to create a new, completely different tradition is along the lines of what I advised: “why not just scrap Christmas and go somewhere warm?” I think it would be more realistic if her budget wasn’t so tight, but it’s definitely something to put on the “plan for” list for years to come. As for this year, she’s going to come to our house for Christmas Day so we can make dinner together over a couple glasses of wine–much more fun and less stress for both of us.

JLSR, thank you in particular for this little nugget of wisdom: “It’s NOT the most wonderful time of the year! There are other times of the year that I enjoy much more. But it is a good time of the year and it can be happy.” You’re right–you don’t have to buy into the whole hoopla to be generally peaceful and content this time of year. I think you just need to figure out a way to opt out on some level.

My sister’s kids are 18, 15, 13, and 4, so she’ll be doing the holiday with kids for some time to come. I know she’s reading this advice and taking it to heart.

Oh, and Carolyn–I think we need to figure out a way to get our families together at Christmas-time, or at least thereabouts! I’m with you on scaling back the gifts-particularly with extended family get-togethers. Besides, who can buy gifts for everyone with the kind of baby boom you guys just had?

]]> By: Carolyn http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939&cpage=1#comment-2637 Carolyn Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:11:16 +0000 http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=939#comment-2637 Maybe start a new tradition around the holidays...... out with the old, in with the new. Spend time with some great people, play games, laugh and have fun. Come visit Grandma, because she is guaranteed to provide some entertainment. :) I feel this year for some reason that I'd like to do away with gifts and just spend time with all the wonderful people in my life. Maybe start a new tradition around the holidays…… out with the old, in with the new. Spend time with some great people, play games, laugh and have fun. Come visit Grandma, because she is guaranteed to provide some entertainment. :)
I feel this year for some reason that I’d like to do away with gifts and just spend time with all the wonderful people in my life.

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