When I talk about the “I wish I had time to…” that bothers me, it’s said in more of that sort of martyr-ish tone, when you share something cool you’re doing–whether it’s a book you’re reading or the fact that you just polished all your Grandma’s silver, or something bigger like a vacation or cross-country bike tour–and the other person sort of sighs and says “I wish *I* had time for that.” A lot of times what is left unsaid is, “But it’s not important enough to me to make time for it.” I do think sometimes there’s an insinuation there that if you were doing the really important or motherly or self-sacrificial thing, YOU wouldn’t have time for X, Y, or Z either.

I’m not sure where you got this from: “I don’t understand how saying “I wish I had (more) time to . . .” means that I think another’s choice as doing things that are not as meaningful or important.”

I don’t think that at all! To me, shying away from saying “I wish I had time to ___” to a friend is about honoring the commitment the other person has put into their hobby or career. Using my friend Jill as an example, it’s true that I wish I had more natural talent in the kitchen (nothing I can do about that, sadly!). However, if I said to Jill, “I wish I had more time to cook like you do,” I feel like I’d be downplaying the very real sacrifices she’s made to develop her skills. The Time Fairy didn’t just magically grant her hours to test recipes and hone her craft; she chose to invest her time and energy and even money into cooking. I could do that if it was important enough to me, but the fact is, it’s not. It’s kind of like when somebody says to me, “I wish I had time to write.” It sort of makes it sound like writing is something you do when you’re granted the luxury of lots of time. In reality, you carve the time out by sacrificing in other areas.

We all have wish lists, yes. But unless you’re talking about something seriously time-intensive–like, say, becoming a neurosurgeon–there aren’t too many activities most of us modern first-world moms couldn’t at least try out if we made a serious decision to and applied some discipline. Growing up, one of my biggest dreams was to be a Broadway actor. Do I “wish” I had the time to be a Broadway star right now? Frankly, no, because that would by definition mean I had a completely different life from the one I’ve got. So while doing some pro acting is definitely on my bucket list, I don’t really WISH I had the time to do it now. Because the life I have is the life I have, and if I can’t make something fit into it, it’s just not something that fits. For now. Does that make sense?

Thanks for your thoughtful comment!

Saying “I wish” has a power to me–it’s a goal/dream for the future–something to set aside for now, but if I suddenly came into extra time, I’d do. I have a “Wish List” of things I’d like to buy, so when extra money comes in, I can go to my “Wish List” and make sure I pick the right thing. And reading would go on my “wish list” if I created one for extra time.

I don’t understand how saying “I wish I had (more) time to . . .” means that I think another’s choice as doing things that are not as meaningful or important. In fact, I’m agreeing that reading is something I like too. For example, if a friend discussed making culinary masterpieces for her family dinners, I’d never say that I wanted more time to do that-I like cooking in 30 minutes or less and using no more than 2 pans in which to prepare dinner. Her priority isn’t on my radar screen-not that I’m judging her, but it’s not something I’d enjoy. (perhaps I’m misreading your post and the comments, but I guess I’m bothered that something I mean as a compliment can irritate the person that I’m trying to compliment)

We all have different hobbies and interests and when children arrive, we all have to drop something that we used to do before the arrival of children. Our lives before children were just as full as our lives after children because we all used each of those 24 hours we’re given in each day–our tasks and hobbies simply shift.

The implication is often that they have a busier and more meaningful life than you. Then you find out they spend hours catching up with all the soaps on TV when they could be reading the classics.

THANK YOU!

You took the words right out of my mouth.
I can’t wait to read more from you.

At any rate, I will need to choose one or the other direction and go with it, because the waffling is making me crazy! LOL.

So glad to hear that you’re taking the tap class! Yay!

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Anyhoo — this is a terrific motivational piece. Consider re-marketing it to one of the women’s magazines! Love your blog and will be back again, my friend!

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You really broke it down and showed how it can be done. I’m going to print out your post, put it on my bulletin board and stop making excuses. THANK YOU!

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And then the next trick is to not compare those priorities (the ones we considered and chose) with others to the point where we feel LESS because we are reading (or tap dancing!) when someone else is working out for 2 hours a day or writing a book or simply enjoying her kids. Any and all of those are valid choices – but the can work on our insecurities like nobody’s business if we let them.

We all want to feel we’ve chosen the right things, and so we have a tendency to defend our tout our decisions in order to receive the confirmation of others’ approval. But the flip side of this is the woman who, in giving the desired approval, walks away feeling smaller because she has chosen differently.

We have responsibilities on both sides. On the one hand, maybe we don’t need to be understood, to be right, to be esteemed, as much as we think we do, so maybe some silence is a form of graciousness.
On the other hand, hopefully we’re all moving past the insecurities that plague us all on some level. Learning to not ALLOW ourselves to “be made less” is part of growing up.

Great post! Another keeper.

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