Do kids' birthdays have to be complicated to be special?
On Saturday night, William – who turns 8 years old today – had his first-ever “real” birthday party…a pizza-and-cupcake fueled sleepover with nothing but Twister, some XBox, and the Ping-Pong table for entertainment. Tonight we’ll have cake at home and William will open a few presents, as usual. Will’s birthday reminded me of a post I wrote about a year ago in celebration of the quiet, family-centered birthday. I’m republishing an updated version today; hope you enjoy!
Today is my son William’s birthday. Will’s birthday is the second in a long row of birthdays spanning our fall months: Isaac in September, Jacob in November, followed by Jon and Owen in early December. Of course, there’s also Halloween and Christmas to fit in there, and Christmas is upon us almost as soon as Owen’s birthday toys are out of their packaging.
William surrounded by siblings and cousins on his 7th birthday
It can be pretty exhausting, frankly. The pressure’s on to host all-class parties, held in a gym or museum or playland of some sort. But add ‘em all up and you’re looking at close to a thousand dollars we’d be spending on kids’ parties, right before Christmas. While I could come up with ideas for themed parties all day long, the reality of filling my house with children, decorating, planning games, and dealing with invitations four times in three months is more than I can happily bear.
So somewhere along the line, we opted out. We’ve never rented a donkey. Never reserved a hall. Never set up a party at the local children’s museum. Never, to my memory, sent out themed invitations matched to the napkins and gift bags. The boys have had a few low-key pizza parties at home followed by sleepovers with a few favorite friends, and sometimes we let them invite a good buddy or two for a movie outing with Dad or a trip to play laser tag at the local arcade. But usually, birthdays in our house consist of a small, family-only gathering for cake, a few presents…and that’s it.
Isaac giving his gift--a pet tortoise--a pretend smooch before blowing out the candles
I used to feel really guilty about that. Wasn’t I depriving my kids of a time-honored tradition: the crazy birthday party with clowns, magicians, maybe a petting zoo? Even without going to that extreme, didn’t I owe them some kind of bash to share with two dozen of their closest friends? Or at least some kind of theme, gift bags, hand-made decorations or an expensive trip to the party store?
But then I realized that just because it seems like everybody else seems to be throwing big, elaborate parties doesn’t mean I have to. Just because other moms are great at cake decorating doesn’t mean my scrawled efforts at writing with icing with some scattered candies for adornment aren’t good enough. Special, even, in their own predictable, laid-back way.
Owen turning 4. He didn't seem to notice that his cake was the victim of the Great Cake Malfunction of 2009. See how it's about an inch higher on one side?
In fact, I now embrace our low-key, slow, family-centered birthdays. I wake the birthday child up with a hug and kiss, and he’s sent off to school with a chorus of “Happy Birthdays” from the rest of the family. He gets to choose his birthday dinner. I spend the afternoon baking a cake–usually from a mix–and wrapping two or three presents. I hang the same birthday banner we’ve used for years (actually, it finally fell apart, so now I have to buy another.) The birthday boy walks in the door after school, greeted by the smell of cooling cake. Sometimes we have a few cousins or an aunt and uncle or grandma over. Sometimes not. I love that I don’t have to worry about RSVPs, reservations, or gift bags. I love that the day is all about us, our family and our home.
Jacob, turning 12
Looking back over years of our boys’ birthday party photos, most look more or less the same. Family gathered around the table. A rather sloppy cake (some years sloppier than others. Hey, I try, but this is one area where I’m lacking natural talent.)
I promise, I really do TRY
Candles. Singing. Lots of smiles and laughter. As you can see, the kids don’t seem to be suffering.
He is actually wearing this expression in EVERY photo.
I do hope to one day create a cake that doesn’t look like a first-grader’s 4-H fair entry. And we aren’t opposed to mixing it up a bit when we need to–for example, this year we’ll be in Florida on Jacob’s birthday, so I’m thinking about getting tickets to Medieval Times for a very special birthday dinner.
I also know that as the boys get older, their friends will become more and more important to them. Someday, they may prefer a trip to the movies with a buddy over sitting around the table eating cake and putting together their new Lego set with their brothers. Maybe one day I’ll actually have the energy, time and budget to put together one of those blowout parties my kids have never had.
Jacob turning 12
But I think I’ll always look back fondly at our dozens of slow, quiet, family-centered birthday parties. They’re not stylish, and they’re not terribly exciting, but sitting around the table is our personal birthday ritual–something that is just for us, that helps make us the family we are. And you know what? It’s more than good enough.
Have you opted out of big classroom parties or over-the-top at-home parties? What’s your family’s birthday ritual?
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Growing up in my family birthday parties were almost exactly the same. A cake, a friend or two, a few family members. I think it’s part and parcel of 5 kids!
I only have 1 daughter so far, but for her 1st birthday party we had family over (which, since the family is HUGE now, was 30 people, even just counting grandparents and some of her aunts, uncles, and cousins). Since 30 people would not fit in our tiny house, we met at the park, played some frisbee, ate some cupcakes, and had a nice low-key time.
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I am with you every step of the way! We live in a culture where kid’s birthdays are over the top. Last year we went to a one year old birthday that the mom acknowledged she spent more time on than her wedding and cared more too. I think they can be overdone in America too. We are all about low key. The most important part is that the birthday person feels special on their day. It is absolutely not about money or number of guests at the ‘party’. I hope we keep the focus, just like you.
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We’re somewhere between the two… I will never spend tons of money, inviting a whole class, etc. We do have theme parties at home with grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a few close friends. The themes are fun and the kids love helping plan activities and food. Even our themes are pretty simple though, invitations are always online. My oldest turns 5 this week and her party has a pumpkin theme – kids are all painting pumpkins as an activity (which also doubles as a favor), food is chicken nuggets and apple slices with pumpkin dip and cupcakes with orange frosting and toppings for everyone to turn them into jack o lanterns. Fun to plan, low-key, and fun at the party!
I completely agree with low-key birthdays. With 3 children I’ve learned it is the easiest thing and not disappointing for the kids either.
Only once have I gone above and beyond and held a party outside my home. That was when the oldest turned 4 and her sister was born just 5 days earlier. I thought it was important for her to get some special attention since everyday people were coming to our home just to see the baby. The party was at a pet store but the party room was pre-decorated so that was a major bonus!
This past year, since the girls’ birthdays are so close together, we went to a Benihana style Japanese restaurant with one set of grandparents and 2 aunts. It was the perfect size and about as easy as it gets.
Last year I decided that my oldest, now 7, could have friends over for little no-fuss parties instead. It doesn’t require special treats and takes the place of big events and tons of presents…which I don’t really want or need anyhow. She’s had a Purple Party where 5 friends come over, wear purple and just run around. We also had a Valentine’s Day card making gathering with the neighbor kids and the moms drank wine. Now that’s a party.
My family birthdays growing up were exactly the same (we had no money and my mom couldn’t deal with all the “big” party stuff) and I’m so grateful for all those wonderful family celebrations! We too are just doing small family gatherings (esp. since one of my sons has a Christmas eve birthday), and I hope they will love them as much as I do. They create family traditions in a way that those big venue-type parties don’t. Plus I think venue-type birthdays create a kind of arms race–if you do the petting zoo/clown/museum thing when they are one, what on earth are you going to do when they are 5 or 10 or 16? Just sets a bad precedent in my opinion (not to mention the cost if you have more than one child!!) Low key is great!
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We are low key here too & do the same thing for every kid’s bday & its a few friends & family over on a Saturday. Now we have lots of family but they are easy to please so its pasta chicken & cake. Soon my daughter will probably want to do a friends party but I’m holding off until at least 2nd grade. So far she hasn’t asked & just wants her cousins to come & play. I never had a sleepover until I was in 8th grade! And I survived!
I’m with you on the low key. One tradition we have is waking the birthday boy up singing Happy Birthday with a cupcake and candle in their bed. Everyone gets to eat cupcakes for breakfast. I’ve had big, expensive blowouts, but every birthday they get most excited for their birthday cake in bed.
A very happy birthday William! The pics and cakes are very nice in this blog. I like the cake on which the candles are made with happy birth day alphabets. It was looking very creative and I am sure that William will also be very happy to see this cake.
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I definitely am with you on the whole low-key thing. My girls are just 6 and 5, but so far, birthdays consist of just some cake and hanging out with family. I have yet to do a class birthday with friends (but like I said, mine are little yet). I know that this year my oldest wants a party, but we will see. I might just let her invite a friend over. It’s nice to see that other families opt for low-key too.
Happy birthday, William!!!
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I’ve opted out of blow-out birthdays with ZERO guilt. Between cousins and my own friends with kids, my brood was “born into” a social group of sorts. In that vein, I have always held birthday parties, but they are low-key. Our favorite parties are held at a nearby nature center. A 2 hours room rental costs only $60, includes a 30 minutes animal demonstration, and allows (er, limits
you to host 15 kids. I serve cupcakes and then give a sticker scene/packet with temp tattoos in lieu of a goodie. I haven’t had a parent OR kid complain yet.
I did go a little fancier last year for my son’s 5th birthday — fancy cupcakes, an actual goodie bag and a home-hosted Halloween party. I’ve told both kids they get “upgrades” for their 5th, Lucky 7, and 10th birthdays. And that’s it.
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Growing up, we had a few traditional Indian birthday specials, new clothes for the birthday kid, and toffees for everyone in the class, the teachers, and the head of the school. That was pretty typical for most kids at that time. Of course, some had big parties, some had small. I had a couple of birthday parties with a few neighbours. My mother says that she hosted a big party for the big 1. That’s it. For my daughter, we had a few friends over for dinner.
I prefer simple birthdays, too, especially family only gatherings. Our extroverted firstborn thinks this is AWFUL
so I’ve compromised. For him, we have a “party” at a local park. We invite his friends AND their families, we tell everyone to bring a sack lunch, and we provide cupcakes. Ta da, that’s it! He’s happy because he got to play with his friends, and I’m happy because I can handle cupcakes. 
I really hope to opt out, but is there pressure from your kids’ friends or relatives? I think my friends know me and my low-key ways but you can’t choose your relatives. It’s hard not to compare…
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I love parties and we don’t live near family or have kids in our neighborhood so we do invite the whole class or “just the boys” or “just the girls”. It would break my heart not to throw a party with a bunch of friends but I don’t think our parties are over the top or super expensive. If you plan ahead and get creative its not so hard. I am really into the planning so it makes it easier, I think sometimes people stress too much over the idea of a party and forget that the preparation can be really fun for the whole family.
Growing up, we had family dinners, where an aunt and uncle and grandmother would come. Everyone would dress up, and it was always a special affair. Sometimes we’d invite the class or a few friends to meet up at the park for a picnic lunch, and one time (it was my third or fourth birthday), we had girls and their moms over to decorate aprons, which we then wore while we decorated cupcakes.
The last official blowout parties we had for our kids were when they both turned 5. It just seemed the right thing to do. So we had all their friends over and it was a gala (and a major mess…lol) but since then (they are now 10 and
all birthdays have been low key. Honestly after a while do they really need more than the expected games/toys/cake..lol
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This post is incredibly time-appropriate. I am currently engaged in a minor battle with my 11 year old who wants to plan an elaborate shin-dig and I’m just telling her no. Family and friends that number less than 5. She’s not pleased, but she’ll deal. I started out with great elaborate things, but hundreds and possible thousands of dollars, I decided enough. I’m officially cooked. Simple family style parties are definitely the way to go!
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We’ve always had low key, mainly family birthday parties, well more of a get together than a party. My friends believe my kids have missed out, my kids think they got a good deal, if they’re satisfied, it doesn’t matter what other people think. The money I didn’t spend on birthday parties went on other nice things we could all enjoy together. My ‘kids’ are now in their 20′s, and are well balanced, confident, young people who think for themselves rather than follow others. I guess you could say that we all learned that it’s okay to be different.
Throughout the year we make a running list of things we’d like to do. Sometimes we come across something that we all agree would be a “special event.” The 14 year old has restaurants he would like to go to that would fit this category. So, when it’s his birthday, he chooses what he wants to do.
This year it was standing in line at a really cool B-B-Q place and we all got extra sides so we could each taste a bit. he chose it, so it was special to him. (And, since he liked it so much, his dad drove back later and secretly bought him a t-shirt which we gave him later.)
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it’s not about the cake or the presents. In a few years the birthday memories will be about who you spent your birthday with and what each sibling was doing to the other at the time. My best friends holds all birthdays on their birthday weekend. Said birthday person gets to pick out their favorite dinner be it KFC or burgers on the grill. They may or may not have a homemade cake. This is their tradition and they love it.
I think sometimes people stress too much over the idea of a party and forget that the preparation can be really fun for the whole family. |
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Megan, great post! I have been following your blog for a little over a year and I felt compelled to comment because this posting really struck a chord with me. I couldn’t agree more about keeping the kids’ birthdays low-key. When I was growing up, my birthdays were almost identical to the ones you have for your children. I never missed having a huge party, and I don’t really remember many children having the big parties that are so popular right now.
We have always celebrated both of my children’s birthdays with a special dinner at home and a simple cake or cupcakes (homemade or store-bought depending on how amibitious I was feeling). We live a bit far from family, so occasionally we would have a grandparent or an aunt in town to celebrate with us. We also allow our older son to invite one or two close friends.
I have wonderful memories of my birthdays at home with my family, and that is because I remember how special my family made me feel.
I’m not an entertainer by nature, so we haven’t had many (non family) parties. Our traditions include the birthday child waking up to a decorated room, then choosing the day’s meals and an activity for all of us to do (we’ve gone to the zoo, go-kart racing, busch gardens, etc). We have cake after dinner. It’s simple and stress free but I always feel I should be doing something bigger. *sigh*
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thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! this was exactly what I needed to hear as we approach birthday season.
This is great, and very good to remember as I work toward a simple life for my kids. Thanks for the thoughts!
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Your cake was improving as I look into each photo. Your cake looks fun and each of your kids looks satisfied as well. I like your idea for a celebration. It doesn’t matter what kind of celebration as long as the family is together and the celebrant feels special.
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I am a mom of 4 and initially I had large parties but over time have tapered. I consider myself a high quality parent — volunteer at their schools, very hands on, supportive of their interests, academics, encourage music, foreign language, etc. but take a “c” in the area of birthday parties. We do a simple birthday party with family now. The larger ones are nice but cause too much work/stress for me. My children have adjusted to smaller family events…if they want to invite a friend or two, that’s fine, if not, even better…I just keep it simple now. I always take a treat to the class on their birthday and the teacher sings happy birthday and does a special acknowlegemnt at school — that seem to work well for a lazy mom like me
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We celebrated my son’s 9th birthday this week with the most inexpensive, low-key celebration we’ve ever had. He had school and tae kwon do that evening, so we had pizza and cake (I did make an Angry Birds cake, b/c he is obsessed) with the grandpa who shares the same birthday. He went to tae kwon do that evening, where his fellow classmates “whipped” him with their belts. I stressed for weeks prior, b/c I felt like I was not doing enough, spending enough, etc. I spent less on his gift this year than I ever have, more out of necessity than anything else. And you know what? At the end of the day he proclaimed it “the best birthday ever!”
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