In our discussion the other day about whether our childhood dreams survived the journey to motherhood, I made a few references to my “old self.” You know, the one who wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer AND a novelist AND an elementary-school teacher.
I loved what Kate said in her comment: “I don’t feel like there was an ‘old self’ versus me now. It just is my journey through life, and I’m enjoying the ride.”
I’ve been thinking about that for the last couple of days, trying to decide if it feels true for me. In some ways yes, in some no. I actually identify very strongly with the girl I was in elementary school -a dreamer, a reader, a thinker. I was kind, and didn’t mind being different. I feel more distant from my teenage self – I had become sharper and meaner, lost interest in some of the things that had once meant so much to me and became single-minded in my quest for fun, fun, fun.
I know self-involvement is fairly typical for teens, but I feel like I really went off track in those years and often just didn’t feel comfortable , happy, or like I was the person I was supposed to be. Motherhood actually helped me rediscover what feels like my truer, better self, the one that had gotten buried under self-consciousness, insecurity and frivolous self-indulgence in my teen years.
I know I am that same girl, and that all those feelings and tendencies are still in me somewhere, tempered by time and maturity and growth. But sometimes, that careless, aimless 16-year-old girl sure seems more like a distant cousin than my very own self.
What do you think? Do you feel like the same girl you were at 8, 18…or 28? Has motherhood changed you for the better, putting you in touch with sides of you that had gone unexplored or strengthening traits like patience and selflessness? Or have you gotten lost along the way, and now feel distant from the person you believe you could be?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
My ‘old self’ was always looking for how to be more, the current version is doing the same thing. Just with the ability to reflect on the ‘old self’ and it’s lessons. I still love the same things. I still hate the same things.
And I have always taken life a bit too seriously. I like this me better.
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I can relate to this a lot. In some moments I feel lost from who I am. I find it’s my job to stay in touch with myself, no one else can do it for me. If I over-busy myself or ignore taking care of my basic needs that will get me all screwy in the head, heart & soul very quickly. But I’m learning to stop & regroup more quickly, to be mindful of myself, which is saving me a lot of angst.
Now that our Little Bug is older, I am getting in touch again with simple pleasures that make me very happy – with the child in me – riding bikes, skating, flying kites, swimming and doing so many things I loved doing as a child with her. She reminds me to enjoy the blue sky, God’s creatures & creations. I find this so invigorating to my soul. Living like this makes me so happy and makes me feel I am living a full, rich, joyful life.
Thanks to the loves of my life, I am also learning to improve myself, to chip off selfishness, dumb ideas I’m committed to that are either just wrong or don’t matter at all, to be more patient, kind, and be more mindful of the way the things I say and do affect others. Great lessons I could only learn through my interactions with them.
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Thanks for the shout out, Meagan.
I don’t think being me on the journey means I haven’t been through stages, but I do feel like it’s all still me, always, and I have to take that journey as a whole. Although I have been me all along, parts of my personality come out more at certain times in my life. I feel I was at my most aggressive (in personality) when I was 15,16,17,18,19 – I went after all I wanted in life with audacity and determination, and didn’t take no for an answer. Motherhood has relaxed me, pregnancy made me slow down and although I have sped up a little since then, I have never felt the need to rev up to my full max since (I was at my full max as a teen-ager and through my early to mid twenties).
I don’t feel removed from any of those stages of me, though, as I think you are describing. I still feel an inner core of me. But my family and friends will tell you I’ve always had that confidence, if that’s the right word for it. In fact, my mum and I have been having discussions about that very thing, recently!
There is a magnet on my fridge: Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” I disagree with that (I don’t know why it is still on my fridge
. I think it is about finding AND creating, and motherhood definitely encouraged me to do both. It is helping me to reconnect me with the person I have always been and will be while strengthening and improving those qualities. I think, there is always a part of us that will not change, that is pretty much innate. For example, I am very sensitive and it is hard to change. That is the way I am. However, instead of fighting it and trying to toughen up to the point where I am not myself anymore, I embrace it now. It is helping me be a very caring mother, sensitive to my family’s and my own needs, kind etc. On the other hand, I am learning not to cry every time someone criticizes me (as I used to when I was much younger 
because being a mom taught me what is REALLY important in life and who and what I allow to make me cry. This is just one of the examples.
This is really well put, reconnecting with the person you have always been. I agree, motherhood has helped me balance myself better. Well said!
I’m mellower.
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I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately…..thinking about how I’m not the person that I was before I became a mommy and I miss how I used to be. I really do feel like I’ve lost myself along the way and that I want to change that. I’m not sure how to change it though and take care of me. So often everything around me, including my home seem like a bigger priority. I’m not trying to sound all depressing, just being real!
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Most certainly not. I look back 20 years and I’m not sure how I got here, but I’m glad I did. I never thought I’d live to see 30, and had I stayed as I was, I wouldn’t have. I like who I’m becoming (and I’m always becoming). It’s exciting and I’m finding I like ME a lot more than I did before.
I like the me “mommy” now but miss the old me from before. I’m not trying to sound like a negative Nancy but I honestly feel lost most days, though I’m extremely happy. Also, deciding whether or not to return to work makes me feel so conflicted. I am not sure how to come to a medium of the old and new ME, I don’t want to develop multiple personalities (no offense to anyone) in order to deal with life. I need balance and I’m not sure how to find it. I agree with Angela, everything seems to be a bigger priority when I should be #1 on that list. I forget where I read “you are YOU before you are a wife, a mother or a professional… you must take care of yourself first in order to take care of others…” I feel as though I come in #2 after my family… and that’s on a good day.
Hi Meagan,
I too feel somewhat disconnected from my wild, hedonistic teen (and even wild, hedonistic 20-something) self. I also feel like a better, truer version of that lost and (deep inside) unhappy person.
Motherhood rounded me out — filled in the pieces of the pie that were missing. Now that crazy pleasure-seeking me is just 1/10 of me — the rest is all there, full and satisfied.
–Amy
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I also have been thinking about this subject lately. Being pregnant really made me slow down in ways that drove me crazy sometimes, and after 23 hours of labor followed by an unavoidable c section…I was WAY slower! I have really morphed into a person that I am coming to like, but it is a challenge. Everything is different as the New Mama Me. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but soon realized he really can’t understand. The old me had more time for style and details, now I am lucky to have on something NOT covered in baby barf! I love being a mother and it is everything I ever wanted and more…but I also love lipstick and cute outfits and feeling pretty. It’s hard to mesh the two version together, but I won’t stop trying my best!!
Being a mom has made me feel much more comfortable being “me”. I didn’t fit in very well as a teen, because I’m really not into “cool” things like movies and music and magazines and whatever. Now that I’m a mom I can keep doing the things I like-go on several-mile long walks outside, swim (actually SWIM not sit on the deck and tan in bikinis), do crafts, wear skorts, have picnics of peanut butter sandwiches and capri suns, relax with my family, and sing silly songs, but I don’t feel like a social reject for liking those things the way I did as a teen (other than those blissful weeks of summer camp-soooo fun!)
Maybe my “real age” is like 10. lol.
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Such a perceptive post, thank you for this. I just love “Motherhood actually helped me rediscover what feels like my truer, better self” – that has been so true for me.
Like last summer, going down a water slide with my son and suddenly laughing for sheer joy – the type of joy I felt as a child and had forgotten about, it just got buried under self-consciousness, worries and the desire to be ‘grown-up’. I always wanted to be a novelist too but I never finished anything until I had my son. The fear of rejection paralyzed me. Now I’m rewriting my third novel. My first two novels got rejected from every publisher and agent I sent them to, and maybe this one will too. It won’t kill me. I find it harder to be inauthentic now, partly because my son calls me on it so quickly, and partly because I see how authentic he is, and I don’t want to model a different way of being.
I was very insecure, & as a result, also very angry & bitter in my younger years. Having kids made me change the way I was living my life — it was an actual CHOICE though, not just something that happened TO me. Because I’m a different, softer person, I’m raising my 1st grader very differently from how I raised my senior. And my son, bless his heart, isn’t unhappy about it a bit — he’s been able to watch me grow into the kind of person I was always meant to be. So am I the same person I used to be before parenthood? Maybe — but much less developed. It’s like calling a lump of clay the same thing as the gorgeous pottery it later becomes. At heart, we are all made from the same material, yet we all possess the potential to be so much more. And wow, that over-philosophical post was probably way off-topic. Sorry!
Its so ironic that you posed this question. I have been trying to troubleshoot some problems in my life when I realized that I have been suppressing so much of who I was in my youth. Some of it is bad deserving to be pushed out but I forgot how I used to walk barefoot, wear long dresses, hug trees, and sit in the river – and I am a hippie at heart just in case you were wondering.
I am much stronger and outgoing as a mom but I am now trying to reclaim some of those great parts of what made me, well, me. I like the way Kate stated how we change through life, always keeping who we are at the core the same but changing ourselves though life experiences. I feel that way also.
I am nothing like I was when I was younger. At 8, I was thought I could do anything I wanted. By 18, life kicked the crap out of me and I was about to be a sinlge parent. At 28, I was depressed and nervous all the time. At 38, I was normal but wish I still had that 8 year mind set that I could do anything I wanted. I so want to be free to and open to the possiblitlies of life. I am really praying and asking God to help me with that.
I don’t even think I can fully answer this question. I remember thinking that people who wanted to be stay at home moms were wasting their potential and now that is what I WISH I was lucky enough to be able to be. I think I am a lot kinder- but I still have that temper and that need to be heard and in charge. I think I must be the same girl- just hopefully smarter and more aware of who I am and what is important to me. It is amazing what clarity comes from not being BOY CRAZY.
“It is amazing what clarity comes from not being BOY CRAZY.”
Oh my gosh, you said it!
Wow, Meagan, this post REALLY resonated with me. It sounds like our paths during childhood and adolescence were very similar. Looking back, I’m totally embarrassed by who I became during the teen years. Unfortunately, some of those tendencies followed me around for longer than I’d like to admit.
I love how motherhood is making me act more like a kid again. I tend to be a little too serious for my own good, and I love that having a child has allowed me to become more playful. Who can be upset when they’re swinging at the park, coloring with sidewalk chalk and stomping in puddles? My playful side was dormant for years, and getting it back feels fantastic. Maybe that’s a sign that motherhood is turning me into who I’m supposed to be.
Wow, I’ve been thinking about this since I read your post, and am no closer to an answer! I definitely am not the same as I was a teen/young adult (I just entered what I suppose are my “mid-30s”). In some ways this is good—less obsessed with pleasing everyone, more secure in my own likes and dislikes, way WAY more aware of my faults & more forgiving of others. But there are aspects of my old self that I do miss—I miss being spontaneous, open to new experiences, idealistic, and a lot less fearful. I can be playful & fun with my toddler, but I would guess that my friends & spouse would not say the same these days! Its all about the routines, the budget, and the to-do list! I do think a lot of that has more to do with the sleepless, exhausted realities of this stage of life (pregnancies, young children, career-building, and home-making) that I am in. I am hoping to mellow again soon!
At first I felt motherhood was holding me back. I quit my job to stay home with my now 1 year old, and it seemed like my life was on hold for the foreseeable future. But staying home with my daughter let me reshape my life, and I love my new direction – something I would not have been able to do without her showing me my priorities. So I suppose I am the same girl, just the improved version
It is funny to read about this now because just last week I started thinking about my dreams and what they used to be. I have to say that now that I am a mother I am the happiest I have ever been in a long, long time. Just to see my little boy’s face makes me burst with happiness. But at the same time I just realized I don’t have dreams anymore… I don’t know what I want other than to see that my son is happy. I suddenly feel lost and scared to know that I don’t have a plan or that I don’t even know what I want for myself! I know I’ll continue being happy regardless of my fears because that’s just who I am now. And I hope, and maybe I know, that one day I’ll find my dream again.
I am not at all the same person I was when I was 18 or 28 or even 38. First off, I’m much less angry. Years of self-reflection have allowed me to let go of the anger that kept me from getting close to people.
Secondly, I am finally a writer. I knew deep down inside that I always wanted to be a writer, but I couldn’t imagine how I could manage that. (And then there was my 12th grade English teacher who told me that I could never be a writer. What a stupid thing to say to a student.)
People kept telling me that my 40s would be amazing, and they were right. I am really able to enjoy my 11 year old in ways that I couldn’t have years ago. Being an “older” mother has made me a better mother. Everyone’s mileage varies, of course, but when I was younger I wasn’t ready to give as much as I can now.
Laura
I feel like motherhood has brought out the best in me and the worst in me. Before I had kids I was very middle-of-the-road. I didn’t get down on myself too much, but I think that’s because I didn’t feel like I was doing anything important. My hobbies were the things that made me happy and my career wasn’t/isn’t something I feel is really making a difference in the world. I just liked it and needed/need to pay the bills. I also wasn’t absolutely sure I was ready for kids. It was just like, “Well, I guess I don’t know what I’m waiting for. If we are going to do this, let’s do it.”
Then I had kids and almost everything changed. They are my purpose. It’s honestly what I feel I was meant to do. To raise these people to the best of my ability. They push me into doing things I’m very disappointed in myself about. Because parenthood is very challenging and I think most of us lose our cool at some point. I feel a very strong responsibility to do a better job because these are people that are entrusted to me. But it has also brought out the best in me. I read constantly about how to be a better mom. I’m not saying all moms need to or should feel like they need to do this as well. On the contrary. But I enjoy it and I’ve learned so much by doing it, and I’m a better mom from it. It has become a passion.
I think a lot of that feeling of losing yourself comes from moms who had specific and maybe big dreams about what their life would be. Things they wanted to do and accomplish. For me, it’s like, with their arrival my children turned me into what I was always meant to be.
A sense of purpose is a good thing.
Both your post and all the comments were so insightful… but I just have to say that currently, pregnant for the fifth time, I can hardly remember what day it is let alone what I was like 12-15 years ago!
That being said, I love who I am and love my life and love everything that being a mother has given to me.