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I’ve really been loving writing about HOME, our October theme here at The Happiest Mom. Judging from the number of half-finished posts sitting in draft mode and still more on my mind, I’ve got a lot to say on the topic of home: how to make a house a home, what home means to me, what I hope it’ll mean to my kids.
What’s tricky, though? The wording. Just what do we call these people who water the plants, set the thermostat, call the plumber, load the dishwasher, put away the laundry, purchase the throw pillows? In each post I’ve had an occasion to refer to the person who takes care of things around the home–but each time I’ve stumbled over the word “homemaker.” It just seems so outmoded, so hopelessly retro, something that doesn’t belong on any modern woman’s medical registration form, even if she does, in fact, spend much of her time caring for her home.
Why is that?
There seem to be three camps in opposition to the word:
- First, there are those who treasure the title “stay-at-home mother” but dislike “homemaker.” To them, the work of raising children is more important than the work of caring for a home, and should be emphasized.
I totally agree that spending time with my kids is, overall, way more important than a clean floor or grocery shopping. But sometimes I wonder if, in our zeal to showcase the value of mothering, we forget that household tasks are also a valid, important and even necessary use of our time–even if they sometimes come at the expense of yet another round of Candyland. In fact, I’d argue that there’s something very valuable in moms who are usually at home allowing the children to see us engaged in the grown-up work of running a home, instead of always spending time absorbed in their world. And for working-out-of-the-home parents who feel too guilty to take care of housekeeping while the kids are awake, I wonder: do the kids think the house magically cleans itself while they’re asleep?
- Other moms I spoke to aren’t opposed to the term, but feel they aren’t entitled to use it. To them, a homemaker is somebody who’s well, home all day. Or she (or he!) is somebody who’s really good at all those things that we think of as going hand-in-hand with housewifery: cleaning, cooking, sewing Halloween costumes, darning socks, you get the picture. When I asked my Twitter friends why we have such a hard time with the term, The Feminist Breeder–who’s a full-time student and working mom–said “I’m sooo not a homemaker. Heck, calling me one is an insult to people who are good at homemaking…I think it’s an important job, it’s just not my job, so I don’t want to take any credit.”
fireplace or no, somebody's got to keep the home fires burning...
- I get where she’s coming from. After all, we have (limited) child care and (not enough) cleaning help, something that will get your ‘homemaker’ credentials quickly tossed out in some circles. Of course, the truth is that I still spend at least 50% of my waking hours attending to some sort of home care above and beyond caring for the kids: the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the cooking, the organizing, the decorating, the budgeting, the bill-paying…it all has to get done, and unless you are well-off enough to have an entire housekeeping staff or better yet, a home manager, getting those tasks done falls to you and your spouse or partner to divvy up. So I think that working moms (and/or dads) have the right to think of themselves as homemakers, even if they aren’t physically home most of the time, or doing all the work. To me it’s an attitude, a feeling, more than simply a set of tasks. Like Melissa Michaels of The Inspired Room wisely shared when I interviewed her, “You don’t have to be a full time homemaker to make your home and family life a priority.” (Check back to read the interview tomorrow!
And then there’s a third camp that just finds the word plain ‘ol offensive precisely because it is a throwback: to a time when women had few rights and ‘homemaker’ was really the only acceptable thing you could be. I get that, too. I just wonder if maybe it’s time we gave the H-word, Homemaker, back some of its status. After all, most of us live in homes of one kind or another. “Home” is a very powerful concept: it’s not just a place to sleep, or store food, or keep out of the elements…it’s also a place to enjoy our family, to spend time with friends, to retreat from the world, to be at peace, to feel safe and loved. No matter how high-powered or important our jobs outside of the house are, and no matter how busy and active we are in outside-the-home pursuits, home is really the center of the world for most people…and from keeping it warm to keeping it safe–to maybe even keeping it attractive–there’s plenty of work to be done at home.
So what’s wrong with being a “homemaker” after all?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I for one love the word. In fact, I think I should start calling my underemployed husband a homemaker. He washes the dishes, does the laundry, cleans, keeps the garden, shops for and cooks our meals and bakes amazing bread. He does all this while also being our children’s primary care giver.
There are areas where I chip in (laundry folding, bill paying, child care and meal planning), but my full-time job makes it hard to focus my energies on making our house a home.
Marketing Mommy recently posted..I gasp wish this weekend wasnt ending
I will totally cop to disliking the term ‘homemaker’. Mostly for the last reason you gave – it’s a throwback to another time when women had fewer options. And also because it implies that I don’t have anything else going on. I agree that working people can be homemakers, but we wouldn’t ever call them that. ‘Homemaker’ is usually the title of last resort.
Although, to expand on this a little, my attitude partly reflects our society’s longstanding disregard of women and the work that we do. It’s the attitude that says you’ll do anything else, given the option. And that’s unfortunate on a whole other level. So maybe it’s time to take ‘homemaker’ back, after all.
Amber recently posted..The Solitary Girl
I’m not easily imspreesd. . . but that’s impressing me!
I realized after my discussion with you on twitter that i have one more reason I’m not a big fan of that title – not only am I not good at it (I have to really work to pay bills on time – I succeed most of the time but it’s an internal struggle, my house is cluttered, we generally are on the low end of the clean clothes pile, etc), but it puts all the responsibility for the home on me as well. My husband helps with the house (he’s naturally messy as well, so we both struggle with keeping the house) in the evenings, and I do errands that require time during the day. I feel like calling myself a homemaker would be taking on all of the responsibility for homemaking, and I honestly can’t handle the current level of responsibility for that. I can take care of the kids and run errands and get groceries and do homemaking stuff to the extent that it’s possible between keeping the kids alive and fed, but it would be too much pressure on myself to expect that much more I think.
I don’t love the SAHM term, but it is relatively accurate in that I don’t go to work outside the home and I mother my children. More accurate would be Mother Who Does Not Have An Income-Earning Job and Runs Many Errands, but I don’t know how catchy that one is.
Leah recently posted..To the Rescue of Babywearing
My home is very important to me, and I don’t really prefer one or the other as long as it isn’t “housewife.” That has all kind of bad connotations and not just from the television show. I’m more than a wife, more than a mother, and more than a house drudge. It’s a bunch of things together and yes, my husband has some of those jobs. We just get it done.
I hate the SAHM term, because I have seen it diced and sliced and shoved into our collective faces. I also hate the term “mommy” – another term I have seen used in a sneering manner. I loathe the term “full-time” mother, for all the obvious reasons.
I have been at this gig for over 5 years now and have yet to come up with an agreeable term for what I do. Homemaker? Probably gets it right, but as you’ve mentioned, it conjures up another era when it was not such a privilege to be doing this.
For simplicity, I say that I stay home, but I cringe when I say it. I wish I were able to stay home! Instead, I am running around every single day, keeping a tight rein on all that needs to be done. I also agree with Leah that some of these labels imply we have perfect-looking homes and children. Nothing could be further than the truth, the more we are home, the messier things get!
cagey recently posted..Interstellar Overdrive
I’m really enjoying this theme. Thanks for posting!
Heather (Creative Family Moments) recently posted..Weaving and Teachers
You know, I think cagey is on to something – the more we are home the messier things get indeed!
Anyhow, as to the term homemaker, I guess I too still have the picture of perfection in my mind when I think of that term. Maybe the problem is that we need to label ourselves constantly. This need to know “what do you do?” is so prevalent today, and to my mind seems judgmental. I have no idea how to describe what I do to people. Homemaker to me doesn’t sit right, although I probably am the person most responsible for making this place we live in a ‘home’.
kate recently posted..The Beagle is Worn
I don’t hate the term “homemaker” at all because it gives credibility to the adult work we all perform to keep our kids fed, housed, healthy,and clothed- and if we’re lucky (or well organized), in a home with a modicum of cleanliness and warmth. With such a broad definition, I absolutely consider the work I do OUTSIDE the home to be as much “homemaking” as a sunday dinner or clean laundry.
I work both inside and outside the home. As a single mom, I stay home with sick kids, run errands, go to doc’s apts, grocery shop and take care of piles of laundry. I am also responsible for earning the income required to take care of my family. Homemaking seems to be the ONE word that encompasses the entirety of what I do every day.
I have been known to call myself a homemaker. I do make our home (for better or worse) and am proud of it. But I have to also say that I feel freer to use those 50s terms in a campy way because I’m the housewife of another woman. That to me, clarifies that I am obviously not cow-towing to Some Man, so it’s okay to joke about being June Cleaver.
Of course I wouldn’t want to REALLY be June Cleaver (who had no choices other than which pearls to wear while vacuuming) and I wouldn’t want to be mistaken for someone who does, so if I were straight and married to a boy, I’d have a harder time, I think, calling myself a homemaker–or even being one, even though I am very happy with my life and my partner’s and my division of labor.
I guess that’s a qualified vote in favor of “homemaker.”
Shannon LC Cate recently posted..Elders
I never, ever use the term homemaker even though my house is always clean, nicely decorated, and the chores done in a timely manner (mostly by me). The reason is that the connotation is that “homemaking” is a full time job in and of itself. It’s not. I have an online business, homeschool my kids, and do all the cooking and cleaning.
For me, the act of taking care of our house, our schedules, the children’s health, the shopping, the decorating, and a thousand other chores falls squarely under being a mom or being a wife. I do not see them as separate, needing their own term.
If I HAD to choose a term, I like “household manager” because it includes everything I do, not just taking care of the house.
I don’t necessarily dislike the term homemaker, but it does have sort of a Stepford Wife kind of ring to it. I like Domestic Engineer, lol.
Erin recently posted..What’s your mom-do
I think I have linked the term homemaker to the old shows of the 60′s where the mom ran around in an apron and her ‘do was perfectly in place. I rarely ever look like those gals so I was hesitant to call myself that.
I can’t call myself a SAHM because I am honestly never at home; running errands, transporting kids, mom, etc.
When I think that a homemaker is that person who creates a warm, loving, safe environment for the folks she loves, then I am proud to be a homemaker!
Paula {Simply Sandwich} recently posted..Ice- Ice Baby!!
I think I like it…it makes me think I’m the one making this crummy little apartment into a cozy loving “home”. And it makes me feel like I ought to step up my efforts to do so, because if I don’t, who will? (other than Hubby, who is working his tail off in a new job that leaves him very little time for helping around the house, unfortunately. So I try to get as much done as I can so he can actually spend some time playing with the baby when he is home!)
Wow…until now, I never really considered myself a homemaker for many of those reasons: I don’t feel I do a great job at cleaning, decorating, or baking. The term stay at home mom seems to fit better since that is where most of my energy is focused…taking care of the kids.
I kind of like the idea of giving “homemaker” back some of its status. Maybe it will also inspire me to be a little more of a homemaker. You are right, all those things you mentioned about caring for our homes are just as important and necessary. Very well said.
Though I still have to admit, I don’t think I’ll be calling myself a homemaker anytime soon.
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom) recently posted..Tiny Bullies
Wow, loving all these comments! Whitney, you’re right that “housewife” is way worse. To me it doesn’t say anything about the person’s contribution or role, it just makes them sound like a kept woman.
And kate, good point about feeling the need to label ourselves. You’re right that we use “what do you do” as a substitute for what should be the real question, “Who are you?” It just seems like an easier question to ask somebody at a party than, say, “So, tell me all about what makes you tick.”
Lori–I like “household manager.” that really sums it up.
“Homemaker” seems unfair for me to use, as I am more a sanitation engineer and minimalist. I think of homemaker as someone who decorates stuff and thinks about the little things that make things cozy and pleasant rather than someone (like me) who does the bare minimum for health, safety, and cleanliness. As my mother sneered at me once, “you have no sense of aesthetics.” It’s true — I’m going to make the utilitarian choice that involves less caring for stuff, less work, and leaving me more time to do things I enjoy doing. I don’t see one way of being as more valuable than the other!
Just an addition as I’m reading more of the comments….
I like household manager, I certainly feel like a manager a lot of the time!
Also, I think it may depend on where you live. I live in a small city, very resource-based in incomes, (moved here 8 years ago) where as a woman you are either a SAHM or you work outside the home. As I do neither of those things, and most people here look at me blankly when I try to explain freelance editing, I do feel a pressure to come up with a way to describe what I do. I’m at home, I earn some money, I look after my family.
Now where did I put my pearls?
kate recently posted..The Beagle is Worn
I like household manager! It just describes all the work that has to be done without sounding like a 1950s throwback. I am a SAHM, and do volunteer work for a local charity as well as help out at Beavers (junior Cub Scouts in UK). I also do all the household stuff on my own for large chunks of time because my hubby is away serving with the Royal Navy. Homemaker is not a description that fits me, I do what is necessary to keep the place habitable and us fed, and that’ll do me just fine! When I have spare time, that is MY time and I refuse to do housework!
So true that our jobs involve a lot of “domestic engineering.” As with so many terms like “black,” “handicapped,” and “hispanic,” they get replaced with new PC words that need to be replaced again with new PC words that have not taken on negative connotations over time.
I guess part of the negativity comes from the perception that being a “homemaker” does not require a lot of brains or skills. It all depends on how you approach the job and what you feel is important.
It’s true we do spend so much of our most beautiful moments at home, and with the new economy, we’ll be spending even more. I think a name change is in order.
I agree with Kate! I often refer to myself as Household Manager and Executive Hausfrau. Sometimes I call myself Executive Hausfrau in charge of toddler negotiations….it really depends on my mood, but I have an arsenal of titles. It’s one of the benies of being “self employed”!
It’s all tongue in cheek….I don’t take myself too seriously. The stuff around the house is not my top priority, nor will it ever be. The floor will get cleaned….but I’m not going to put my floors first. I actually blogged about this on my blog, muffintopmommy:
http://muffintopmommy.com/2010/07/so-weve-clarified-im-not-martha-stewart-then-oh-and-june-heres-your-stfu-sammie/
In short, I’m a mom, not a martyr! Great post!
You know, I used to be uncertain about the term homemaker (sounded like someone a lot older than I am and way better at it!). But if you think about the word – it is someone who makes a home. Consider the fact that “home” is more important to people than any place else – that makes the person who is dedicated to making and keeping that space in a fairly exalted position. So what if the work is mostly unglamorous – an office job has its crap elements as well. It is the place where a husband or wife and children love to come to and look forward to coming to or being at every day. I had an epiphany the other day (probably not an original one, but a personal one anyway) that THIS is my career, full time for now, and I would love to do the best job at it. Maybe there is no salary and there are no awards or promotions, but there sure is an appreciative clientele and a lot of dignity in being able to make a home for others.
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