The Happiest Mom

When my oldest kids were little, I felt a lot of pressure to cart them around to various activities, playgroups, and classes. Never mind that some of the classes made me want to run, hyperventilating, for the nearest exit. Never mind that I wasn’t particularly smitten with the other moms in the playgroup. Never mind that I couldn’t really afford all those classes. I saw filling our calendar with constant ‘enrichment’ as my duty as Mom, and never gave too much thought to what I might get out of the whole experience.

No more. Now I’m unabashedly selfish when it comes to choosing activities for my littlest ones. I wrote a guest post for Rookie Moms about my philosophy on activities for very young children. From the post:

“Small children are, for the most part, easy to please. Give them time and space to move their bodies and raise their voices, a play-based activity (organized or not), and another small person to interact with, and they’ll have a ball. They don’t have to engage with a mini-soulmate at every playdate or train with the most renowned musical instructors before they’re out of Pull-Ups.

Someday—sooner than you might think—your kid will be begging you for hockey equipment and karate lessons. You’ll be roped into PTA committees and booster clubs and find yourself working closely with people you might not have otherwise chosen to spend time with.

Until then, exercise your right to be a little selfish.”

Read the whole post over at Rookie Moms. But before you go, tell me: how much do you consider your own needs and wants when setting up your family calendar?

February 5th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (5)

I haven’t been updating as here as much as I’d like over the past week. Between my internet going down for a day, several potential contracts (business and personal) on the horizon, and an appearance on the Feminist Breeder radio show last night, life has been keeping me away from my blog (which, sometimes, is how it should be, eh?) But I wanted to direct my readers’ attention to a fantastic post by my good friend, Toni Klym McLellan, at her inspiring blog Bring The Family.

Drawing on the story of Conan O’Brien’s abrupt departure from the Tonight Show, Toni writes:

I remember during my first week in law school, a student raised his hand and told the professor that a legal judgment in a case we’d studied wasn’t fair. The first-year student’s protestations pooled like blood in the water as our prof waited, grinning and eager to feed. “Fair? Fair!? Who said life–let alone the law–are fair?” We all remembered not to comment on fairness for the duration, but of course, we also knew in some ways, the professor was right–we each deal with unfairness in our lives and in the world daily. I’m a bit more gentle when I tell my kids that sometimes, as Conan O’Brien learned, life is unfair (though a $45 million buyout should dampen his disappointment–I know it would mine). But what I stress is that while it’s important to notice and speak out when we witness an injustice, the ways in which we respond to unfairness makes all the difference in our lives. And I think Conan took the high road in many ways in this situation, and that’s a model I can get behind, both as a parent and a person.

Please read the post, but before you go, I’d love to hear from you: if you could sum up your philosophy of life — and motherhood — in a 4-6 word slogan, what would it be?

February 1st, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized, friendship | Comments (7)

In my post a couple of weeks ago about obstacles to happiness as a mom, I listed “being overwhelmed” as one of my top 5. While commenters chimed in with a whole list of other obstacles–things like lack of time for oneself, loss of control, and unrealistic expectations–I reflected about how all of those things can, for me, lead to feeling overwhelmed. So maybe being overwhelmed isn’t so much a single obstacle as it is the end result of many of the things that are part and parcel of a mom’s life: noise, mess, chaos, ever-changing routines, an incredible sense of responsibility, never enough time in the day…etc.

Since being overwhelmed has no one cause, it also has no one solution. Plus, the things that make me feel like I’m drowning in a deluge of overwhelm-ment may not be the same things that smother other mothers (woo, say that fast five times…). But I do think there are some things so universal to a mom’s experience of life that it can only help to deal with them proactively. I’m going to share a few of the things that I need to have to keep me from feeling overwhelmed:

I need order. One of my first posts on The Happiest Mom urged readers to make their beds or, if making the bed isn’t particularly important to them, to find the “triggers” in their home that make them feel disorderly and chaotic and make sure to address them…daily, or more often if necessary. From my post:

“We all have that one thing (or half a dozen things) that drives us crazy. Whether yours is crumbs on the counter or rooms where half the lightbulbs are burned out, taking care of your biggest crazy-makers (BEFORE they get to the point of making you crazy) sets the whole mood for the day.

For me, that one thing happens to be making my bed.

I’m far from being a neat freak, but I began to realize that I require a certain level of cleanliness in order to function. I spend most of my day in my home, and if it feels too messy or cluttered I just want to retreat and watch bad TV instead of being productive.

Similarly,  I am ruthless with clutter in my life. I just don’t have the space for it and it makes me feel unhappy and uneasy to see piles of stuff everywhere, so I straighten up those surfaces where things accumulate (for us it’s the dining-room table and buffet) often to keep on top of things. With five kids, some clutter is inevitable, but if I let it take over, I start feeling really overwhelmed.

I need a budget. I’ve written before about moms and financial security,  in a broad, caring-for-yourself-in-an-emergency or retirement-savings-and-investments sense. But our day to day financial security is just as important, and nothing is as overwhelming as feeling broke all the time. Creating and sticking to a budget is one thing that makes a big difference in how I perceive our financial stability, and when I don’t stick to one, I start to feel uneasy almost immediately. Sometimes it can be fun to feel like I’m splurging without having to ask my spreadsheet’s permission, but if I don’t get it back on track quickly, it can quickly spiral into that out-of-control feeling that is, well, overwhelming.

I need help. Even something as simple as figuring out what to do with my 4-year old and 10-month-old while picking my 6-year-old up from the bus stop can start to feel overwhelming when it’s the middle of a gray, cold January. I think sometimes it’s those little, daily things that can add up and lead to a big feeling of overwhelmed-ness unless we ask for help once in a while. What a vacation it feels like on those days when a friend comes over at noon so I can run out to the bus stop (or the grocery store…or just for a cup of tea) without bundling up the two little ones!

Writing this post, many other needs are popping into my head. I need friends (and I need to see them regularly). I need time alone. I need routine. I need goals. But right now, I need to finish this post so I can, um, bundle up the kids and go pick up my 6-year-old at the bus stop…so the rest of my needs will have to wait for later.

What are your biggest triggers for feeling overwhelmed, and how do you avoid it?

January 26th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized, happiness | Comments (22)

I have always been a bit of a theater nut. I tried out for all the plays and musicals in high school, took acting classes in college and did quite a bit of community theater in my late teens and early 20s. When my two oldest boys were very little and I was home with them during the day, rehearsing and performing at night gave me a way to get out of the house, enjoy myself, and make friends.

But as the kids grew, the theater and I grew apart. I worked very busy hours outside the house for a while, and squeezing in an almost-every-evening activity wouldn’t have worked. After I started working much fewer hours from home, I considered auditioning for a play here and there, but something always got in the way: a new baby, a child’s activity, my husband working in another city, a book project. Time after time, when I’ve come close to dipping my toes back in the singing ‘n dancing waters, I’ve wound up stopping right at the edge, watching the waves lap at my feet, then turning around and walking away.

This was one of those weeks. There were auditions for a musical at the local college, and I thought about trying out. I did the preliminary research: yes, the rehearsal schedule was reasonable and very doable; no, there were no conflicting obligations, yes, my husband was on board, yes, I had help lined up in case he had something to do on an evening I had rehearsal. And yet, when the day of the auditions came and I thought about going, I felt tired instead of excited. It was as if a little voice was whispering to me: “This is not the time.”

Granted, I wasn’t that jazzed about the show to begin with—it’s not one I’m very familiar with, and I wasn’t particularly excited about any of the female roles. I wanted to do it on principle more than anything, just to do it, just to jump back into that world and reclaim a part of myself that’s been dormant so long.

But at some point, I just had to face the fact that this is not the time.

It would have been different if it had been a show I was dying to do. I didn’t skip the audition out of feelings of guilt or because I was worried about my kids, who would have been just fine spending 8 hours a week with Daddy instead of me and Daddy. But on re-examination, I realized that an activity that’s going to take up my precious free time right now, with the baby so little and the oldest needing help on his homework has got to be worth it, and this one wasn’t. Not worth the sacrifice. Not worth the time away from the kids, or the commitment.

This is not the time.

I’m not a patient person. It’s one of the hardest things for me about motherhood. I watch weeks, months, and years passing by and think about all the things I never did in my 20s, that I may also not do in my 30s. I sometimes feel panicky about the time that’s going by, all that is still undone. And since I have a “just do it” attitude about life in general, it’s hard for me to admit to myself that just because I COULD do something right now, doesn’t mean I HAVE to or should. It doesn’t even mean I necessarily want to.

Writing the Great American Novel? This is not the time. Oh, but what a great book I could write, if only I could seem to squeeze out the space to do it!

Traveling to Europe? This is not the time. But what if I never get there?

Even thinking about how young I am and how much time I have left isn’t always comforting. The older I get the more I know there is no possible way to do it all. Every path I take leads me away from a different path, and there may be no circling back.

That is a hard reality for a girl like me to face. I like to keep my options open. But opting for this—all these kids, this family life, time with my growing-so-fast baby girl—means I can’t have all of that. The thing I have to remember is that I wouldn’t even want that if it meant I couldn’t have this.

No stage lasts forever. I wait, and hope that my path circles back around to some of those things I’ve passed up, knowing that it’s likely I won’t ever circle back to some of it. But that’s life, I suppose.

This is not the time to be in a play. But that doesn’t mean I’m putting my dream on hold forever. Maybe I’ll feel differently this spring, or next fall.

In the meanwhile, what is this the time for? Something a little less exciting than my Broadway dreams, I think. I’m picturing evenings in front of the fire with a good book, dinners around the table and board games. The music, the costumes, the dance numbers, the makeup, the applause…they will come later.

This just isn’t the time.

January 22nd, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (13)

Yesterday I read an article in the Washington Post called “The Test of Time” in which Brigid Schulte, a Post staffer and busy mom of two, tried to find out what’s happening to all her alleged “leisure time” (according to researcher John Robinson, about 30 hours a week). From the piece:

“I am like the Red Queen from “Alice in Wonderland,” forever running faster and getting nowhere. Entire hours evaporate while I’m doing stuff that needs to get done, but once I’m done, I can’t tell you what it was I did or why it seemed so important. At work, I arrange carpools to band practice and ballet. At home, I write e-mails, and do interviews and research for work. “Just a sec,” I hear my daughter mimicking me as she mothers her dolls. “Gimme a minute.” She just stuck a yellow sticky note on my forehead to tear me away from writing this story, at 9:35 p.m., to remind me I’m late to come read Harry Potter for story time. Most days, I feel so overwhelmed that I barely have time to breathe.”

Though Schulte claims, early in the piece, to have an overall happy life, that disclaimer is a bit hard to swallow when faced with passages like this and others sprinkled throughout the story. Can anyone really be happy when they can’t breathe? As I read on, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Schulte views herself as a victim of her own too-busy life.

To be fair, Schulte’s position, as a staffer for a major newspaper, is likely a lot more intense than my own career as a freelance writer. On the other hand, her two kids are school-age, and two of my five are home with me all day. So while I can’t perfectly understand her life and the stresses she faces, I can definitely relate to the feeling of trying to meet a deadline while kids need me in the background (ask how many interruptions I have dealt with while writing this post!), staying up too late, getting up too early, never doing anything quite as well as I would like. Yes, sometimes I feel overwhelmed.

But if I had to be perfectly honest with you I think I probably average more than 30 hours a week in leisure. I know that doesn’t jive with our cultural obsession with busy-ness, but I rather enjoy being not all that busy and am not ashamed to admit it. Of course, I don’t expect to just wait around for the Leisure Fairy to come by, tap her wand and grant me my 30 hours. Like so many other things in life, I’ve learned that when I want leisure time, I have to demand it.

Much of what Schulte wrote in her piece does ring true for me. I do often feel the pull of my kids’ needs while I’m engaged in a leisure activity, whether it be reading a magazine or watching TV. I am often mentally multi-tasking, thinking of something other than what I’m engaged in and have to bring my focus back to the present again and again, like a meditation practice. Every time I go to the movies I experience at least one “fade out” during a boring or repetitious part, where I find myself obsessing – almost before I know what’s happening – about whether or not I need to go grocery shopping today or if it can wait until tomorrow; whether I remembered to switch the laundry over to the dryer or not. But again, focusing on the present takes practice. And just because I don’t always do it perfectly doesn’t mean that leisure time didn’t “count” or wasn’t worth having. I still enjoy it, even if it’s imperfect. And when I’m too geared up or distracted to enjoy it, it means something in my life needs to shift.

I wonder if this obsession with time – not having enough, trying to find more – just exacerbates this “over-busy” feeling. It’s like when you have insomnia, and can’t stop looking at the clock. The clock reminds you how much sleep you’ve missed and how little you’ll get even if you fall asleep RIGHT NOW. As you hyper-focus on the time, it becomes even harder to fall asleep. Similarly, often I get distracted from whatever it is I’m doing. To allow myself to get further distracted by worrying about my distraction would be just sort of…ridiculously distracting, not to mention counterproductive. Who can ever enjoy herself if she’s always worried about her enjoyment being interrupted?

Yes, it may be a bit hard to swallow the fact that Robinson, an unmarried, childless man seems to be telling moms with spouses and young, needy children and demanding jobs to stop and smell the roses. But let’s not shoot the messenger (or resort to physical violence: on NYT blogger Lisa Belkin’s analysis of the piece, commenter “Ross” wrote: “If I ever meet that Robinson dude I’m going to spend my 30 hours of leisure time as a stay-at-home mom punching him dead in the face.” Yikes!)

This is life: we’re living it right now, and we don’t get a do-over. But neither is it set in stone – it’s a series of small choices we make and priorities we pursue, and we always have the power to shift it in a new direction. It’s OK to ignore the kids for a while and flop down on the sofa with a magazine. It’s OK to hire help. It’s OK to ask more of your spouse or partner. It’s OK to say no to an expensive and time-consuming after-school activity, or to teach your kids to be more self-sufficient so you can do less. It’s also OK to just say, my life is crazy-busy right now and there’s not much I can do about it, so I’m going to find enjoyment where I can…even if I’m not getting my full 30 hours of approved leisure time this week. We can also move toward seeing our kids as more than a job, more than an obligation, and think of them as a big part of our leisure time. I know that’s not easy in today’s high-pressure, high-stakes parenting culture, but I think it’s healthier all around.

I like what my friend Amanda Witman, mom of four, has to say on the topic. “I think the bottom line is, if someone feels they don’t have enough of (fill in the blank…leisure or whatever else) it is their personal challenge to figure out how to shift priorities or choose to gracefully accept the status quo until a shift can be contemplated.”

This new world of parenting means we’re all dealing with shifting responsibilities and different pressures–both economic and social–than previous generations did. But we do have options about the way we live our lives, and we can embrace the good while dealing constructively with the not-so-good. We don’t have to buy into a model of productivity that doesn’t work for us. We can pave our own paths. And my path? Happens to be the leisurely kind.

How much leisure time do you think you get in a week? How do you define leisure? And does it matter to you how much you get—or just how much you enjoy it?

January 20th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized, friendship, happy motherhood, home & hearth, mindfulness, motherhood | Comments (23)

Today my good friend, writer, and very sane mom Denise Schipani let me know that she caught the tail end of a segment on the Brian Lehrer show which quoted my Babble.com essay about not paying for kids’ college. The show’s theme was parental sacrifice, and I found the examples given as well as the calls from parents (and the comments following the clip on the website) interesting. What are they willing to sacrifice for their kids? What are they not willing to sacrifice?

I find that the discussion surrounding these topics often takes a turn toward the extreme. With commenters saying things like “I really cannot think of anything I would not sacrifice for my child” and “People who are complaining that they sacrifice their body and their careers…these people CHOSE to have children” (that was pretty much a direct quote from my essay) and “Raising children is a huge undertaking…if you can’t afford it, or don’t want to lose what precious time you have for yourself outside of the 40 hour work week, then one should think twice about having kids” and even “after having heard on the BBC this morning, that children in Haiti are sleeping next to decaying bodies, perhaps this is a time to reflect on how grateful we are for our children, and not venting our gripes and frustrations?”

There is a difference between being unwilling to sacrifice anything for your kids, and being unwilling to sacrifice everything for your kids. The fact that there are children in horrible conditions in Haiti only serves to put into crystal-clear perspective that my kids instead worry about things like whether I got them the brand of cereal they want or whether they might have to take out student loans or go to community college for a year or two–in other words, by world standards they are incredibly lucky, and yet as an American parents we’re still expected to do more, more, more. Admitting that you sacrifice a lot for your kids isn’t whining, griping, or venting. It’s a simple statement. And being unwilling to sacrifice certain things doesn’t make you a bad parent…in fact, it may make you a better one.

There is nothing I would not sacrifice for my children…if it meant a difference between life and death. But it’s not my job to make my kids happy, and it’s not my job to create as easy as possible a path for them. It’s my job to give them the tools to make their own happiness, and to create their own paths. Sometimes that means I sacrifice for them, and sometimes it means I don’t. I am - gasp - a person too, and as much as I know my kids didn’t ask to be born, I also know I give them as good a life as I can, and put them first…most of the time. So on the relatively rare occasions that I give somebody else’s needs priority, I really don’t feel too bad about it.

I’m not suggesting parents should never sacrifice for their kids. I do it every minute of every day, in big and small ways, and that’s not a complaint - just a fact. But I think we have to choose our sacrifices wisely. If we sacrifice everything we are, everything we hope for and want, then who are we? I’m more than my childrens’ caretaker and the family maid. I also owe it to them and the world to be a wife, sister, friend, daughter, niece, colleague, neighbor, and citizen. But I can’t do that if my cup has emptied totally into theirs.

What about you? What will- and won’t-you sacrifice for your kids?

January 14th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized, happiness | Comments (7)

Yesterday I posted tips on how to sleep when the baby sleeps. But what about when your baby doesn’t seem to sleep enough?

Consider co-sleeping.

In many cultures, co-sleeping is, and always has been, the norm. If you think about it, the practice of mothers and babies sleeping together makes a lot of sense: babies are comforted by the closeness of their mothers and often sleep better, and mothers will be comforted by knowing their baby is OK and may also sleep better. I’ve co-slept with all five of my kids—the first was sort of an accident, as I only really meant to sleep near him until we got breastfeeding established, but then I loved it so much I couldn’t bear to put him in the crib. Since then, co-sleeping has been one of my favorite “lazy mom” methods for getting a decent night’s sleep even with a newborn who likes to eat every half-hour, all night long.

But co-sleeping has gotten a bad rap in the United States, and has been accused of causing everything from infant death to overly-dependent children with poor sleep habits. Lots of moms who’d like to co-sleep—even if just for a little while—live in fear of either hurting their baby or being criticized by family and friends (which is kind of silly, if you think about it—is there really anyone out there who’s never taken a nap alongside their baby, or let a scared or feverish toddler climb into their bed at night?).

It’s worth pointing out that babies die in cribs as well as adult beds, many believe that the research implicating co-sleeping in infant deaths is shaky, and that when certain precautions are taken, co-sleeping can be safe. As far as babies getting “too used” to sleeping near Mom, all children can learn, at some point, to sleep in their own beds—even if they’ve spent months or years sleeping next to Mom. My personal philosophy is that no matter when you do it, putting a child into his or her own bed away from you for the first time is usually going to be met with some resistance, and probably tears. You can choose to deal with the resistance and tears when you’ve got a newborn, your hormones are fluctuating wildly, you’re feeling shaky about your mothering skills, you’re trying to establish a bond and possibly breastfeeding, and you really need the sleep…or you can wait several months, a year, or more, until you’re feeling steadier, night nursing is no longer a huge issue, you’re well-bonded, and your hormones have evened out. For me, option #2 has always made a lot more sense.

Consider not co-sleeping.

Huh? Yes, you heard me right. I’m a committed co-sleeper, but if I’m really honest with myself, I know there have been certain times—and with certain children—that we all might have slept better if we’d done it separately. After the first couple of months, some kids turn into thrashers and tosser-turners, and simply can’t stay asleep if there’s any disturbance nearby. Sleep deprivation never got to critical levels with me, but if it had, I’d have been smart to move my tosser-turner into his own bed and see if that improved things.

On the other hand, Clara is one of those babies who, once asleep for the night, lies flat on her back without a single twitch until she wakes up four hours later to nurse. At night, it’s not her trying to snuggle me, it’s me trying to snuggle her (she’s just so darn snuggle-able!), and she seems completely unaware that I’m even nearby. If it starts to seem like I’m disturbing her or that I could sleep better if I used the space she takes up, I may consider moving her into a crib sooner rather than later. Some moms I know are dedicated co-sleepers until they have a baby who actually seems annoyed by being in their bed, and they have to reluctantly let go of that particular aspect of motherhood. Other moms kept co-sleeping with children into toddlerhood even though they really don’t want to because they think it’s the “right” thing to do or because they dread the aforementioned tears and resistance. Sometimes you just have to be the bite the bullet and do the thing that’s hard tonight, and maybe tomorrow night, to make everyone happier in the long run. And sometimes, co-sleeping works out beautifully for years. There’s no one-size-fits-all here, but it’s important to be honest with yourself about the reality of the situation.

Keep in mind that whether you choose a crib or co-sleeping, neither has to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Many moms start their babies out in a crib, then bring them into their own bed after the first nighttime feeding, for example. Or you can use a co-sleeping sidecar with a very small baby, or a crib or mattress in your bedroom.

I can’t tell you where your kids should sleep and for how long; I can only say that if something isn’t working at night, you always have both the right to change things up and see what might work better; and the responsibility to make sure your arrangement is working for all parties involved (including yourself). Sacrificing your own sleep is inevitable to some degree when you have a newborn, but if it’s an emergency situation (i.e. you’re not safe to drive, cook, or care for your child during the day because you’re so tired) then do whatever you have to do at night to make sure you’re sleeping well. If things aren’t quite that dire, you have room to play around with different arrangements and see what works. Listen to your gut, be flexible, and ignore anyone who tries to tell you that you’re doing it wrong. After all, unless they want to come over and hold your baby for eight hours so you can get a full night’s sleep, they don’t get a vote.

Did you co-sleep with any of your babies, or has it been crib all the way? Are there any changes you made or could have made to your sleeping arrangements to get more sleep?

January 13th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized, happy motherhood | Comments (21)

When we think of moms and lack of sleep, we usually blame the baby. After all, they’re the ones with the tiny tummies that need to be refilled every three hours or so (or less) round the clock, who as often as not would rather be awake than asleep, and who often refuse to match their routines to the ones we’ve so carefully crafted for ourselves. So it can feel especially cruel when your little one is finally fast asleep and you can’t catch so much as a single Z.

New moms hear over and over (and over and over) that they should “sleep when the baby sleeps”, whether that’s at midnight or noon. But what if your baby is sleeping and you just…can’t? It’s not always so easy to just grab a nap when you know you only have a half hour or so and the sun is streaming through the windows. Even an attempt to drift off at your usual bedtime can turn into an exercise in frustration if you’re plagued by hormone-fueled anxieties, guilt, or other worries.

Author, yoga instructor, and mom Kate Hanley is here to help with some holistic help:

You can’t just flick a switch and go from multi-tasking mom to peaceful sleeper. Here are a few super simple mind-body techniques to help you relax mentally and physically so that your body’s natural ability to sleep when it needs to will be able to take hold. Sweet dreams.

Foot Massage

According to the Traditional Chinese Medicine and reflexology, the foot is a microcosm of the whole body. Hence, if you spend a few minutes massaging your feet, you’ll also be helping physical tension drain from your entire body. Spend two minutes rubbing each foot, using the richest moisturizing cream or oil you have. Knead your soles with your thumbs, gently fold your toes forward and back, wriggle all five fingers in between your toes and hold hands with your feet, and squeeze your heels. It not only feels great, it sends a message to your body and your brain that it’s time to let down its guard.

Extended Exhale Breathing

Once you’re lying down and comfortable, take a few deep breaths to start the process of turning your attention away from your thoughts and on to your body. Being inhaling to a count of three and exhaling to a count of six. If that count feels too long or too short for you, feel free to find your own count—just make sure your exhale is twice as long as your inhale. Exhales are the body’s means of getting rid of whatever it doesn’t need—carbon dioxide, yes, but also stress and stale thoughts, emotions, and attitudes.

Sleep-Inducing Acupressure

Lying on your back, rest your right palm on your breastbone (right in between your boobs, at nipple height)—the site of an acupressure point known as the Sea of Tranquility that helps the mind quiet, the breathing deepen, and the “spirit” (for lack of a better term) feel at home. Place  your left palm on your solar plexus and breathe for a few minutes until you start to feel sleepiness settle in. Then move your right palm to your abdomen, just below your belly button, which further grounds you and helps you feel weighted and safe so you can begin to drift off…

Rescue Remedy

If you need a little extra oomph to actually fall asleep, this homeopathic remedy uses the essences of flowers to calm the nervous system and soothe emotions stuck on overdrive. You can buy it in health food stores and many mainstream drugstores, including Walgreens. They have a version especially formulated for sleeplessness caused by anxious thoughts, but I haven’t tried it yet—I’m still loyal to the plain ole Rescue Remedy since it has helped me through many a stressful time.

Still Point Inducer

This little rubber beauty (I like to call it “Boobs,” for its buxom appearance) is used in cranial sacral therapy to stimulate spots on the back of your head known as your “still points.” To use it, move your pillow away, lie on your back, and place it under your head, at the same level as your ears. All that’s left to do is lie still, breathe, and feel your thoughts slowly quiet down. I often have to struggle to stay awake long enough to put Boobs back on the bedside table.

For more self-care strategies from Kate, visit her at msmindbody.com and sign up for the Weekly Vegimental, or check out her book The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide.

And keep checking back at The Happiest Mom this week because every day, we’ll be talking about sleep. Are you getting enough?

January 12th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized, friendship, mindfulness, motherhood | Comments (3)

This time, it’s my own darn fault.

My husband and I finally (five years after the rest of the world, I know) decided to get into the TV series LOST, and considering season 6 starts very soon, we’ve got some serious catching up to do. Plus, the show is downright addictive. So the last few nights I’ve stayed up way too late, totally consumed by the drama on my TV screen.

Today may have marked the tipping point. I was able to—after a struggle—drag myself out of bed to get the boys up for school, and even managed to buzz through part of the morning without too much trouble. But then around 10 AM, I hit a wall. I got cranky. Short-tempered. Hazy. Attempting to get some work done at Panera, I fantasized about taking a nap instead, deterred only by the worry that I might get kicked out.

Clara, who’s almost 10 months old, happens to be one of those pretty good sleepers who, almost from birth, has allowed me to get a decent night’s rest most nights. So I’d almost—almost—forgotten how awful it feels to not get enough sleep…but now I remember. My productivity is down. My creativity is hindered. My ability to communicate is hampered. Heck, I’m not even sure this post is making any sense.

Most moms are intimately acquainted with sleep deprivation at one time or another. Its effects, researchers say, can include lowered coordination and loss of short-term memory and lead to chronic health problems. In fact, studies have compared the effects of sleep deprivation to that of being drunk.

So today was an excellent reminder for me (a wake-up call, if you will—okay, without sleep even my jokes are getting cornier) why “lack of sleep” is one of the things that comes up again and again on moms’ lists of obstacles to happiness.

First there’s the acute no-sleep phase of newborn-hood: bleary-eyed feedings at midnight, 1:30 AM, 3:00 AM, 5:30 AM,  5:55 AM, 6:32 AM…and hours of unexplainable and inconsolable crying. I had a particularly hard newborn phase with babies #2 and #4 (for some reason, my odd-numbered children have been decent sleepers and not very fussy; not so much the even-numbers.) After a few weeks of never getting enough sleep, I was in crisis mode: my speech began to slur. I’d trail off mid-sentence in search of a word like “sock” or “multivitamin” that could no longer seem to make the long journey from my subconscious to my mouth. After a few moments of watching me gape silently into space, whoever I was speaking to would uneasily change the subject.

Sometimes, as it turned out, there was nobody actually there. Extreme sleep deprivation can cause hallucinations.

Then there’s the more chronic sort of sleep deprivation some of us experience for months or even years after our babies are born. A hyper-active protective instinct makes it difficult for many of us to fall asleep or sleep as deeply as we did pre-babies. Being always tuned in and anticipating some sort of NEED we might be obligated to provide for can make it hard to take a nap even if somebody else is caring for the kids. So we stumble through life, maybe not in dire need of sleep, but never quite rested enough—just a little foggy, a little irritable, a little forgetful.

And even a “little” bit of sleep deprivation can have a huge effect on happiness. Have you ever noticed how much more likely you are to lash out at your spouse or kids if you are sleep-deprived? How hard it is to find the energy to exercise, grocery shop, cook a healthy meal, apply your brain to a creative pursuit? How much less enjoyable life is in general? We joke about sleep deprivation, ladies, but it’s no joke: not getting enough rest seriously hampers our ability to enjoy motherhood, not to mention take good care of our kids (and ourselves).

So I’m dedicating this week at The Happiest Mom to SLEEP. How to get it, how it feels when you don’t, how to function when you can’t. If you’re not too tired, I’d love your help. If you’ve got experience in this area (and really, what mom doesn’t have at least a little?) and have commiseration, tips, advice, or resources to share, please weigh in below in the comments or send me an email. And tune back in daily this week to read about how you can feel more rested. Now go take a nap…if you can.

January 11th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (7)